Originally Aired: October 7th, 2010
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary: JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) ATTEMPTS TO CHARM CONGRESS DURING THE KABLETOWN HEARINGS. ROB REINER AND QUEEN LATIFAH GUEST STAR.

Jack (Baldwin) must appear before Congress to discuss NBC’s merger with KableTown. He hopes that he will charm celebrity members (guest star Rob Reiner), but one Congresswoman, Regina Bookman (guest star Queen Latifah), demands more diversity in its programming lineup. Jack quickly enlists Tracy (Tracy Morgan) to come up with some new development ideas. Meanwhile, Liz (Tina Fey) is fed up with the flack her writing staff gives her, and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) helps Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) reapply to the extremely competitive Page Program. Also starring Judah Friedlander, Scott Adsit and Keith Powell.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Fan Rating: 4.20 out of 5.
Quotes:

Liz: Look at this. The writer’s put it on my door.
Plate: F. Kruger.
Jack: I don’t’ know what that’s referring too.
Liz: It’s referring to the one time that I got a chemical peel before work. And I was wearing a red and green sweater. And a fedora.

Liz: These douche-B’s have been doing it for a weeks.
Jack: Lez Lemon.
Liz: First thought.
Jack: Winona Ryder in a Hundred Years.
Liz: Weak.
Jack: Fart Barfunkle.
Liz: Indian Food.
Jack: Paul Simon.
Liz: I don’t get that. But it hurts.

Jack: In a post-apocalyptic word how would society even use you?
Liz: Traveling bard.
Jack: Radiation canary.

Liz: Will you ask congress where they put the USA network? I’ve been trying to find Monk for like three months.

Jack: The only thing I will be discussing with the House Sub Committee on baseball, quiz shows, terrorism, and media is vertical integration.
Liz: What’s vertical integration?
Jack: Imagine your favorite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication.
Liz: That’d be great casue then they could put a little sample of the medicine in each bag.
Jack: Keep thinking.
Liz: Except then they might be tempted to make the corn chips give you…
Jack: Vertical integration.

Jack: Do you know who gets elected to Congress these days? Former athletes, washed up actors, and women.

Jonathan: What if we have to stay overnight and there aren’t enough rooms so we have to share a room, and I forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in and the stores are all closed…

Pete: Here is a list of names that legal says we can’t use. Jerry Bananaseed and… nothing else.

Pete: Oh we can’t use Jerry Bananaseed. Someone with that name killed a bunch of nurses in Portland.

Jenna: Kenneth! You’re back! I need you to get me something called Vagitrax. It’s for… dry knees.

[Singing to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”] Inside Sports. 21. Hill Street Blues. Wings was fun. Golden Girls. Quantum Leap. Outsourced is the new Friends.

Jenna: Just a pageant? That’s like saying a guy is cool because he has just a speed boat.

Jenna: When I was pageantizing, my mother told me there’s only three things standing between you and winning. Your breasts, and wanting it bad enough.
Kenneth: I’m not sure that applies…
Jenna: [Slaps him] We’ve already started.

Jack: Consider the farmer. He owns his land, the equipment he uses to harvest his crops, the truck he uses to drive that product to the farmers’ market where he sells it directly to the consumer. Is that not vertical integration . 1:32 PM. Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen, that congress put a bullet in the head of the American farmer.
Congressman: No! Y ou win!
Rob Reiner: The acclaimed director of When Harry Met Sally would never do that!

Regina Bookman: Mr. Donaghy. One last question: Why is NBC so racist?

[Kenneth Dances]
Jenna: Horrible. What else can you do?
Kenneth: [Singing] Oh everybody born before Jesus is in hell. They went straight to…

Jenna: I’m going to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.

Regina Bookman: Mr. Donaghy. I represent Rhode Island’s first congressional district. It’s a diverse community. From the hardworking moms and dads in Smithfield to the spoiled jags at Brown, to the thriving flourishing Italian criminal community in Providence.

Regina Bookman: Why is that NBC looks about as diverse as a Wilco concert?
Jack: I would point to Sunday Night Football which features many black players and coaches. And Anthony Anderson the star of Law & Order which is entering its 21^st…
[Jonathan interrupts him]
Jack: What? Why did we cancel that? That doesn’t make any sense!

Regina Bookman: As a member of congress and especially as a black woman…
Jack: Uh, I don’t really see color or gender, Mr. Chang.

Jack: Dot Com, you run Tracy’s production company, right?
Dot Com: Yes, Dot Com Productions.
Tracy: That’s “Tracy Jordan” spelled backwards.

Tracy: Call Grizz. I need someone around who’s not just a yes man.
Dot Com: Whatever you say, Tray. Oh come on, Walter.

Liz: Well she has a point. I was reading the new Malcolm Gladwell New Yorker piece on my kindle.
Jack: Did you really read that?
Liz: No I did not.

Jack: I’ve long been an advocate of diversity. I made this country great. The Chinese built the railroads. The Irish built and then filled the jails.

Jack: I was too busy trying to remember the name of the black kid on Community.
Liz: Donald Glover.

Jack: You should have seen her grandstand.
Regina Bookman: The future! And America! Now I may have lost my train of thought several minutes ago! But if I continue to talk like this! You will applaud my eulogy!

Liz: Well, Lutz claims to be Inuit. At least that was his explanation when I found his poem about snow.

Jack: What about Toofer? Is he any good?
Liz: I don’t know if he’s mentioned this to you a hundred times but he went to Harvard.
Jack: So we know he’s smart and supurb at masturbation.

Liz: Make him co-head writer. I always figured he’d take over when I die at my desk.

Jenna: There you are. I got hair extensions for you. And a body shaper with a reinforced penile sleeve.

Jenna: I am trying to help you, Kenneth. Believe me. I wish you weren’t such a Houston foreclosure of a human being. But I need to tear you down and turn you into someone who can actually win this thing.

Kenneth: They hired keyboard guy? He’s not even recycling properly.

Tracy: I personally love cop shows. I can’t wait for Law & Order to start back up.
[Grizz whispers}
Tracy: Why? It was a tent pole! A tent pole!

Dot Com: Here’s something I’ve been working on. It’s called “Let’s Stay Together” after the Al Green song. It focuses on an African American family in Detroit in the 70’s. Mo-town. The auto industry. Vietnam. Watergate. “Let’s Stay Together” is not just about a family trying to stay together, but a nation.
Grizz: What if there was a talking dog?
Tracy: I’d like to see that incorporated into your rewrite.

Kenneth: [Singing] Thank you NBC for all the laughs and tears. Once home to Kelsey Grammer. The Golden Girls. My Name is Earl. The A-Team and Cheers. So shine on and thank you NBC. (A top 10 network!)

Plate: El Tejón
Frank: It means “the Badger” in Spanish. I’m not sure who did it.
Frank’s Hat: I did it.

Pete: Oh got tejón face.

Jack: How’s production going, Tray?
Tracy: Good. And there’s a lot of buzz. Can you hear it too? Or is my tinnitus acting up?

Tracy: That food is for Dot Com Production only! TGS food is back stage!
Lutz: But they don’t have women’s sports bars! Men can have cramping too.

Regina: Mr. Donaghy, I’m in New York right now. Some collegues of mine are taking some meetings on Wall Street then we’re doing a Sex in the City walking to tour.
Rob Reiner: Magnolia bakery? Oh! Sorry hips.

Tracy: Yo Jackie-D. I had dinner with Don Immus last night he told the following joke.
Jack: Goodbye congress woman!

Jenna: Where was your sparkle? You embarrassed me in front of all the other mothers! If you think you’re going to Sizzler tonight, Jenna, you’ve got another thing coming. You’re going to be practicing your steps in the garage until the school boat comes! If I hadn’t seen you come out of me in that parking lot, I’d swear you weren’t my daughter.
Kenneth: I think you turned into…
Jenna: Let me get there! I’ve turned into my mother. And I’ve turned you into me! You’re welcome. But it was wrong.

Rutherford: Our first guest is James Spurlock, head writer for TGS with Tracy Jordan.
Toofer: Good day, Tri-Staterss.
Liz: Co. Co-head writers.
Rutherford: And also with us is someone named Elizabeth Lemon.
Liz: Thank you, Rutherford. Thank you Ruther… I can tell that you’re off me!

Liz: I like your dress… do you have to wear a bra with it… I’ll let you get back to Toofer.
Rutherford: Who’s Toofer?
Liz: I don’t know.

Rutherford: James, when people think of TGS they think of Tracy Jordan, Jenna Maroney, the mysterious crew deaths, the Angela Lansbury lawsuit…

Liz: Ok you know what? I get it. I shouldn’t be here. I should have realized that when I saw the masks and the picture of black Jesus.
Rutherford: That’s me in college.

Liz: I said I was leaving you don’t have to have your boss come and… That’s a security guard.

Jenna: I want to get Kenneth back into the page program. But whatever this is won’t let me.

Regina: We met at the congressional black caucus fundraiser you crashed your motorcycle into.
Tracy: And thank you, representative. What you’re doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity a priority. Then just walk away, and don’t try to kiss her, Tracy. And don’t say that last part.

Lutz: Hey! You eat from your own table, remember! Our food is separate! Separate!
Tracy: I’ll kill you, white devil!

[Stopping by Colored, White signs by bathrooms]
Jack: So how was your flight?

Kenneth: Shoe lace! You’re being silly!
Regina: You call that a diversity hire?
Jack: Maybe. That young man is a hillbilly with a girl’s middle name and because his county never rejoined the union, a foreigner.
Kenneth: Now you’re untied?! Have you two been talking?

Regina: From what I just saw, you may be the only person here I respect. You get an “I Met a Congressman” sticker.
Liz: Thank you, finally, this is all I wanted…
Regina: This country! Was founded under certain principles! Freedom! Troops! America! Flag! I might not know where I’m going with this, but I know we will get there! Together!

Jack: Ok fine. I was putting on a show. I was tap dancing. But you made me tap dance.
Jenna: Did someone say “tap dance?”

Jack: Your ridiculous grandstanding could ruin the whole thing. Like luffing you spinnaker during a yachting regatta! I know I’m not helping myself.

Reina: Maybe I get carried away sometimes. My Love… for this great country! And the troops! And the Flag Troops!
Jack: You’re doing it!

Jack: The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things. The next generation goes to college innovates new ideas. The third generation… snow boards and takes improv classes.

Lutz: I’m part eskimo! Hate crime! We were here first!

Ratings: 4.90 Million Viewers. 2.1/7 in the 18-49 Demo.

«5.02 – When it Rains, it Pours

5.04 – Live Show »