Originally Aired: December 9, 2010
Written by: Tracy Wigfield
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary:

LIZ (TINA FEY) AND AVERY (GUEST STAR ELIZABETH BANKS) CONVINCE JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) TO TELL HIS MOTHER (GUEST STAR ELAINE STRITCH) TWO BIG SECRETS. ALAN ALDA AND WILL FORTE ALSO GUEST STAR.Liz (Tina Fey) and Avery convince Jack (Alec Baldwin) to come clean about things that he’s been keeping from his mother (guest star Elaine Stritch) when she visits him for Christmas. Later, Liz attempts to mend Jenna’s (Jane Krakowski) relationship with Paul (guest star Will Forte). Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) buys the rights to a film he shot so that it will never be released and compromise his new, more serious persona. Also starring: Jack McBrayer, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell and Katrina Bowden.

Promotional Pictures: 7 Pages! High Quality!

Fan Rating: 4.456 out of 5.

Quotes:

Liz: You want to go the Penn Station K-Mart with me and then watch Tootsie?
Jack: I’m sorry, that’s what you’re doing instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family?
Liz: That’s my new thing.  Travel on Christmas Day.  That way I avoid the annual Lemon family blow up.  And this year it’s going to be a dozy.  My Aunt Linda is bring her new boyfriend who is neither her age nor her race.  And her ex-husband will also be there with his date, alcoholism.  I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.

Jack: Colleen will be up from Florida and she’d like to see you.
Liz: Because my youthful energy makes her feel young?
Jack: No because she sees you as a peer she can complain with about how nobody wears pantyhose anymore.
Liz: Ugh!  How are we supposed to conceal our spider veins?  Bare legged at Christmas…

Tracy: As an actor it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity and sell Proactive.

Pete: Ever since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe he thinks he’s Sean Penn.
Liz: Well they both have had screaming fights Wyclef Jean.

Jenna: [Crying] Merry Christmas from Kabletown, and all of us at TGS.  I think we got it.

Liz: Are you ok? [Reading Invitation] Tom Ford and Elton John invite you to New Queers Eve.  What is this?
Jenna: NQE is the New Year party.  Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure from the past year.  Also replicas of the David urinate vodka.

Pete: Good news!  We don’t have to do these promos after all.  NBC says they want them from every show but us.
Liz: Good year everyone!

Avery: [Reading Christmas Card]  Happy Holidays… is what terrorists say.

Liz: I was going to bring desert tomorrow, so are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately?  Please don’t say a half sleeve of Oreos.

Avery: It’s why I like dating older men.  Their parents are unusually dead or senile so there’s never an argument about the Holidays.

Liz: I’ve been watching The Mentalist a lot recently, because my TV’s on CBS and I lost my remote.  I think I’ve become a body language expert.  For example I can tell that Jack now wants to kill the person on his right…

Jack: We Donaghys believe that when there’s something at all delicate to talk about it’s best to suppress  it until it erupts into fist fight at a church barbeque.

Avery: I understand all of that, Jack.  The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings.

Liz: I’m am the MentaLiz!

Tracy: Thanks K… L M N O P.

Kenneth: Obesity is killing the African American community… with laughter.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I thought I you loved acting like a fool.
Tracy: No I don’t… I’m lying.  [crying] My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh, but I can’t now.  I had do go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose!
Kenneth: That’s horrible!

Tracy: From now on the only movies that Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O’Keefe, or both.

Colleen: I didn’t care much for the gazpacho soup.  I mean where’s the fun of sending it back because it isn’t hot?

Colleen: When are my chums at the Death’s Short retirement community going to say when I tell them my unmarried son has knocked up a Protestant!
Jack: I knew you would do it.  Take a happy moment and ruin it.  Just like you did at when I won’t that scholarship at my high school graduation.
Colleen: It should have gone to the other boy!

Colleen: Most people thought I was a hero… for killing Lydia’s parrot.

Colleen: I’m going to go upstairs now and think about more comments for tomorrow.

Milton: Jack!  Guess what, they just got caller ID in Vermont.

Milton: Yes I’d love to come to your Holiday dinner.
Jack: Christmas!  It’s Christmas dinner!

Paul: Rick can you cover section 3 for me, I’m in the weeds, Oh Liz, I thought you were a transvestite.

Liz: I haven’t seen her this upset since Hurricane Katrina.  The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.

Paul: I don’t even think about Jenna anymore.  I don’t think about kissing her, laughing with her, photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples.

Liz: Merry Christmas, Jack.  Sorry, I finished the Oreos in the cab.

Jack: Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Liz: I could be sitting at the corner table at the K-Mart Café right now.

Jack: Will he erupt in anger over her years of secrecy?  Who knows Milton’s a hippie pacifist.  But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.

Milton: And Liz you’re already showing!
Liz: No!  It’s not me!

Milton: She needs to read my new book.  “There’s No Wrong Way to Make a Family.”

Liz: Oh great Avery’s here and she looks mad.

Milton: We have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself.
Avery: Oh yeah that makes no sense.
Jack: Absolutely not.
Milton: Suit yourself but my son, Spiderman, turned out just fine.

Liz: Who hasn’t made mistakes?  I once French kissed a dog at a party to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old.

Liz: Where is her room?
Jack: Don’t worry I sent her to the east wing.  It’s very confusing.  It was designed by MC Escher.
Liz: These stairs are weird!

Kenneth: I wasn’t setting this up because I’m spending Christmas at work.  I certainly wasn’t going to pretend those trash cans were my parents.

Dot Com: All the big actors do charity work on Christmas Eve.  Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

Kenneth: What are you doing sir?
Tracy: Screening my very sad movie “Hard to Watch” at a women’s shelter.  It’s going to be real depressing.

Kenneth: You ruined  LudaChristmas.
[Flashback]
Tracy: In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Kenneth: Isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Except for insulin, Spironolactone, and (?) which I have for you whenever you’re ready.

Colleen: I see you  brought the bag.  That my bastard grandchild will come in.
Avery: Merry Christmas Ms. Donaghy.  My gift to you is the feeling of superiority for the next two seconds.
Colleen: Is she drunk Jack.  Because remember when you’re pregnant one bottle of wine a day that’s it.

Jack: Mother, you must remember Milton Green, my father and your shameful sex secret.

Milton: He’s a good boy.  He got me a kidney, from Elvis Costello.

Milton: Think of what I’ve lost.  Going on father and son Habitat for Humanity builds.  And road trips in my VW van,
Jack: Yeah.  Or other things.

Jenna: It’s about the party.  I want to shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year…

Colleen: I’m just thinking about my next move.
Liz: Oh no.  What next move?
Colleen: This thing hasn’t even started!  Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone!

Tracy: You’re about to see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Tracy: I can’t get Kenneth out of my head.
Dot Com: Actually he’s behind you, Tray.  He rode over here with us.  You talked to him the whole ride.

Tracy: Something I should have done a long time ago.
Dot Com: A long time ago?  You just got here.
Tracy: Shut up Dot Com!

Liz: Well this has turned out to be the opposite of what I wanted.

Avery: I’ve had a couple rich men die on top of me.

Colleen: It’s like something, like my son, sitting on my chest

Milton: We have to call an ambulance.  Listen to me, dammit, I’m a doctor!
Jack: Of history. In what emergency would you be necessary?  If someone wanted to know if the 60s were awesome or not?
Milton: They were!

Avery: You hang in there.  You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen.

Jenna: Can I get you a cup of coffee, or an absenth enema?

Paul & Jenna: I/You dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Sawn, and you/I dress as former Pittsburg Steeler’s wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann!  We’re two black swans!

Milton: It is a Druid solstice miracle that it wasn’t a heart attack.
Jack: Yes I do believe a heart is required.

Liz: Ok I’ll go first.  I have a crush on The Mentalist.
Jack: It says family only, Lemon, dammit!

Liz: You know what I learned tonight?  As hard as you try no one can escape the horrors of Christmas, so it might as well be with your own family.  I’m going to get a bus to White Haven now and I should be home in time to see aunt Linda try to prove she’s sober be holding someone’s baby and cooking.

Colleen: What are you smiling at you fruitcake?
Jack: Just my mom and dad yelling at me, together.  Milton, the Clinton were just an after effect of Reaganomics, and mother you cannot invite anyone to the wedding.
[Colleen and Milton yell at him]

Ratings: 4.759 Million Viewers. 2.9/5 Share.  2.1/6 in the 18-49 demo.

«5.09 – Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish

5.11 – Mrs. Donaghy»