Originally Aired: January 20, 2011
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Tricia Brock

Summary: LIZ LEMON’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION COMPLICATES JACK’S WEDDING

Company budget cuts affect the TGS staff, and Liz (Tina Fey) tries to use Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) wedding mistake in her favor. Meanwhile, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) and Danny (Cheyenne Jackson) share his dressing room and Tracy (Tracy Morgan) receives disturbing medical news that makes Angie (Sherri Shepherd) consider a different career path.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Fan Rating: 4.704 out of 5.

Quotes:

Jonathan: I know I didn’t deserve to be invited so I thought I would give you your gift now.
Jack: Not if it’s a song.
Jonathan: … It’s not. It’s… this belt!

Jack: The only hiccup was my best man, deep-sea explorer and rack hunter Bob Ballard took ill after eating some bad toucan so uh Lemon filled in as my best man.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, I wanted it to be noted that I’m here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.

Tracy: I’m hosting the international pornography awards. And I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the area in a penis shaped parachute.

Pete: The Kable Town board is meeting this week to approve buying NBC and Jack is doing everything possible to make us seem profitable. He turned the green room into an NBC Experience store. And we have to schedule our rehearsals around the Bat Mitzvahs Jack has booked in the studio.

Pete: How was that?
Liz: Total chaos. No rehearsal. No program. The bride wore a black cocktail dress. The airline lost my luggage and the only place to buy anything on the island was a tennis pro shop. Luckily I had the essentials in my carry on. Toiletries, closed toed shoes, and the state department recommended mosquito head net.
Pete: I sense more complaining in you.
Liz: Terrible flower girl. At four years old you should know how to pace your flower distribution.
[Flashback] Liz: Anna! Petal, step, petal, step, Come on!
Liz: And don’t even get me started on the monkeys.
Jonathan: YOU!

Liz: One of my New Year’s resolutions is to say “yes.” “Yes” to love. “Yes” to life. “Yes” to staying in more.

Jack: Do you remember signing this document afterwards?
Liz: Yeah the minister told me to. On the Apuse line. Witness.
Jack: Not witness. No Lemon. Wife.
Liz: Mother!

[Flashback]
Captain: You share? That’s very European. May I join in your sharing?
Liz: “Yes.”

Liz: This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there’s no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would have hated that wedding.

Jack: Of course it’s everyone else’s fault. The minister thought the lady in the white dress and the veil was the bride.
Liz: It was a men’s tennis shirt and a government sanctioned head net.
Jack: You kept holding onto my arm!
Liz: It’s hard to balance on sand.
Jack: Who wears shoes on a beach?!
Liz: Only Rocky and Apollo Creed in the training montage.

Liz: I’m sorry you got caught up in another one of Liz Lemon’s adventures.
Jack: My adventures. I am the protagonist!

Jack: Avery is in China right now covering an economic conference. She’s not a spy!

Liz: Whatever you say, dear.
Jack: Do not. Do. Not.
Liz: Don’t forget honey we have bridge with the Cunninghams tonight.

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, you are going to die.
Tracy: What?! No!
Dr. Spaceman: … when I tell you who I’m dating.

Dr. Spaceman: Anywho, I have the results from your physical. Tracy, you are going to die.
Tracy: What?! No!
Dr. Spaceman: You have no reflexes. Your blood tastes like root beer. And some of your bones appear to have vanished. I’ve only ever seen this on dead people, during Desert Storm. I actually wrote a report on it, but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. Kooky times.

Tracy: I can’t die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I’m not around to pay someone to raise my kids?

Dr. Spaceman: Making even minor chances to your unhealthy lifestyle could help. Like diet and exercise.
Tracy: Well we tried.

Dr. Spaceman: Now this could literally kill you. Lollipop?

Kenneth: Thank you for taking in Ms. Maroney, Mr. Baker. We would have asked you sooner but we forgot you worked here.

Danny: Are you ok?
Jenna: It’s just I got a haircut and you didn’t even knotice.
Danny: Sorry, you get your hair cut every week.
Jenna: I don’t like your tone!
Danny: And I don’t like what you’ve turned into!
Jenna: I’m not the one who forgot our one minute anniversary!

Weinerslav: Finally as the merger progresses you’ll notice some changes to your benefits, including New Healthcare Options. I’m sorry that should read “Few Healthcare Options.”

Pete: I can’t lose my dental. There’s a hygienist there whose boob sometimes touches my ear!

Liz: Jack is not my boyfriend. He is dot dot dot my husband.
Lutz: On your wedding night did he take you in the French fashion?

Liz: It’s not real, we’re getting a divorce.
Weinerslav: That’s what Ann Curry and Subhas the janitor tried to tell me. That was five years ago.

Pete: They shut down your secret bathroom to cut down on cleaning costs.
Liz: I have to talk to my husband.

Jack: No no Bob. We’ve made it very clear, you have to buy NBC with everything else. …Then just don’t watch it.

Jack: What is it, Lemon? I’m trying to negotiate a 30 billion dollar deal. That’s “billion” with a B. Is that right? It seems like way too much.

Jack: This is our NBC priority pie chart. Big red part as you can see is the Biggest Looser. Yellow slice our number 2 priority: make it 1997 again though science or magic. And the little green part is everything else. Request denied.
Liz: Request denial, denied. You have to make TGS a priority.
Jack: Your show netted $600 last year. Your parents had to buy an ad.

Jack: Are you blackmailing me? You should think very carefully about what you’re doing right now.
Liz: I am. Lots.
Jack: Alright we’ll do this divorce the hard way. I’m warning you. This isn’t my first rodeo, Lemon.
Liz: Well I’ve been to a rodeo to. It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy’s apartment.

Kenneth: Mr. Hornberger. Do you and your wife ever fight?
Pete: Not all the time. After her hysterectomy she was in a coma. Briefly.

Pete: Our children are basically snot silos with BB guns they do come in handy, as a buffer.
Kenneth: Is that like being a fluffer? Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. Blow drying animals at a pet salon is hard work.
Pete: No a buffer is like a protective barrier.
Kenneth: Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat.
Pete: You can’t fight around the kids. You see them looking up at you with their little faces, their hair already receding. And you bite your tongue.
Kenneth: A buffer. … What is it?

Tracy: I’m sorry I’m four hours late, but my alarm clock didn’t go of cause it died in cock fight last night.

Tracy: It’s come to my attention that I’m going to die.
Jack: Please. You have nothing to worry about. We have Martin Lawrence on a holding deal.

Tracy: If you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is entertainment. I mean look at me. I can’t even find Mexico on a map.

Angie: I’m willing to start at the bottom. And there’s only one thing I won’t do. And that’s take orders from anyone, ever.

Angie: I’m sorry. I’m not about cancel my hair appointment with D’Fawn because I’m your new intern.
D’Fawn: You need ot light some incense in here.
Liz: Ok. Hang on. Who said you were my intern?

Liz: Jack’s messing with me. We’re having a little fight so he sent you here…
Angie: Excuse me, how does me being here messing with you. Do you have a problem with strong black women?

Liz: Angie, and interns job is to things like make copies and run errands.
Angie: So I’m like your servant?
Liz: No. You’re not being paid. You’re really more like…. Oh boy.

Liz: I don’ think this is a good idea.
Angie: I don’t understand,
D’Fawn: That white girl just fired you.
Liz: Come one D’Fawn, be a buddy.

Jenna: Hey idiot! Don’t touch the… [sees Kenneth] nothing. Love you.

Kenneth: Look I made this picture of us!
Jenna: Did you draw that!? You might need help. That’s awful for an adult.

Jenna: Careful!
Danny: Don’t coddle the boy! He can do it!

Jenna: Now look what you did!
Danny: You made him afraid!
Jenna: Oh did I also make you half a man?!
Danny: You’re ruing my life!
Jenna: What life?
Kenneth: My bones.

Jack: Every day that I’m married to you, my life gets worse.

Liz: Some of your plan worked. Yes she hated me and yes I mentioned slavery by mistake.
Jack: I knew I could count on you.
Liz: But you also made me her boss so I fired her. She chased me around for a while so I hid in a closet down on news but then Subhas and Ann Curry came in just going to town… Damnit!

Angie: I will rip your weave out!
Liz: That’s not a weave!

Jack: Entertainment is where untalented people go to get rich. You have all the makings of a reality superstar: Hair pulliness, delusions of grandeur, an insanely short fuse, catch phrases.
Angie: It’s my way til pay day!
Jack: That’s the T-shirt. I should give you your own reality show. Friday nights… 11:00.
Liz: What?! That’s when TGS or wrestling is on.

Angie: FYI. I am friends with a hilarious fat girl and a crazy eyed divorced white lady who wants to be in the music business.
Liz: Oh I’d watch that. Can D’Fawn be on it.
Angie: Mmmhm. With his even gayer boyfriend.

Angie: You think my meth addict nephew should be on the show
Liz: Yes please!

Liz: Pete, you and Paula fight a lot…
Pete: No I walked into a door! I’m so clumsy.

Jenna: Oh I hear you. I mean take Danny. Please!

Tracy: Don’t even get me started on marriage. … … Thank you.

Jenna: Kenneth, your Danny has something he wants to tell you.
Kenneth: What is it Danny?
Danny: Well, sport, I’m going to be moving out.
Kenneth: I don’t get it.
Jenna: Well sometimes two people who care about each other just can’t live together.
Kenneth: Oh no I get that, what I don’t get is this is Danny’s dressing room.

Kenneth: But you’re my Danny and Jenna.
Jenna: We’ll always Danny and Jenna. We just won’t be Danny and Jenna together.

Danny: And don’t think for one second this means we love you less. Know that it means that.

Liz: [TV press conference Long Island Lockjaw accent] My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts and Feelings.
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Liz: [TV press conference] As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers, and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world “What is art.”
Jack: We know what art is! It’s paintings of horses!

Weinerslav: It’s no surprise we’re sitting here. You two have always thrown off that will they won’t they vibe and it’s been a real hoot to watch your courtship.

Liz: Favoritism? Really? He’s trying to cancel my show.

Jack: What was that voice?
Liz: It’s my imitation of Drew Barrymore’s impression of that crazy lady.

Jeffrey: Let’s just dive on in. Does the employee spend an inordinate amount of time in the employer’s office compared to other employees?
Jack: Well yes I suppose. But only because Ms. Lemon is incapable of doing anything on her own.
Liz: Oh please. Half the time when I go up there it’s to help you choose a tie and they’re all red or blue.
Jack: Where I come from if you have more than two colors on a tie, it means you’re looking for a certain kind of bar.

Jeffery: Are all workday conversations business related or do personal issues often dominate discussion including but not limited to: Mothers? Diarrhea? Having babies? Problems in the bedroom? Neckties? Food issues? Foot disorders? Having it all?
Jack: Ok. Yes. In the past we have advised each other.
Liz: For instance Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtle neck. I thought it looked nice but he rightly pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
Jack: And Lemon is the only one of my subordinates who’s not afraid to warn me when I’m being to authoritative or handsome.
Liz: Or when you have eye boogers.

Jeffrey: Have you spent time with each other’s families? Have you attended special events together? Such as Class reunions? Birthday or Holiday celebrations? Weddings? Or extended car trips? Are you each other’s emergency contacts? Do you ever drink together at work perhaps while summarizing what you’ve learned over the day or week? Have you shared intimate details of your fears, hopes, and dreams, both personal and professional? Is this the longest and perhaps most meaningful relationship in your life? Do you often find yourselves thinking the same thing and then saying it at the exact same time?
Liz: I’m sorry Jack.
Jack: I apologize.

Jack: I shouldn’t have threatened your show. I’ll leave that to the parental decency groups.

Jeffrey: Alright now we’re going to do word association. Foreplay.
Jack: We’re done, Weinerslav.

Jack: Try to walk like a woman, Lemon.
Liz: You’re fly’s open, Jack.

Angie: I’m Angie. I think elegance and attitude are the same thing. And I have IBS.
D’Fwan: I’m D’Fawn and I just want to be accepted for who I am: A sexual maniac.
Portia: Hey I’m Portia. I don’t care what anyone says; I keep them 3D glasses.
Randi: I’m Randi. With an I. My ex-husband’s new girlfriend is cheating on him. With me.
Michael: Do you have any meth? Or meth?
Angie: It’s my way til pay day!

Ratings: 5.338 Million Viewers.  3.1/5 HH Share.  2.7/7 in the 18-49 Demo.

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