Originally Aired: January 27, 2011
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary: TRACY BRINGS HIS WIFE’S REALITY TV CREW WITH HIM TO THE TGS SHOW.

Tracy has a reality TV crew following him around which Liz tries to use to her advantage, while Jack attempts to make a profit by pre-recording natural disaster telethons. Lutz lies to the writers to make him more valuable in the event of an apocalypse.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Fan Rating: 4.629 out of 5.

Quotes:

Liz: Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still nice look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Liz: Wow. Out with GE, in with KableTown. It’s like on of use should since “The Circle Game” right now.

Liz: So will be getting new employee IDs? Cause I’d really like to retake my photo.
Jack: Good god, what happened?
Liz: I was holding in a snart and then right when she took the photo. Don’t you want to know what a snart is? I can tell you now it’s 10:00.
Jack: 10:00 in the morning.
Liz: [Snarts]

Tracy: When you win an Oscar it opens up an elite area of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa. And I’m definitely getting a private island.
Liz: You’re getting an island?!
Tracy: Every crazy A Lister owns a private island: Nicholas Cage, Celine Deion, Charles Widmore.

Tracy: Oh I’m sorry that was misleading. I’m not going to rehearse. I’m gonna get a sandwich and then eat in on the toilet.

Liz: What are you wearing?
Kenneth: My NBC page dress blues.

Kenneth: I’ve never been on TV before. I hope I photograph ok, because when I look into a mirror it’s just a white haze.

Kenneth: I couldn’t put the memo in your mailbox because it’s full unread adoption materials.

Liz: [Sees Lutz’s thong] Ugh, God Lutz! Why?!
Lutz: What? I don’t want tush lines?

Jack: Do you know what pays for your show, Lemon?
Liz: Our product placement deal with Sullivan Psychiatric Clinic. “Sullivan Psychiatric. You’ll drool over our crazy prices.
Jack: Reality TV. A woman with Hundruplets, A live execution. The Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
Liz: Ugh, that show is upsetting. Why does the warden let Lady Extravaganza have so many spoons?!

Liz: You’re going to pretape a benefit for a disaster that hasn’t happened yet? That is bad karma, Jack. I mean this morning I stole a cab from a pregnant lady on crutches and I am just waiting… [ceiling falls on her head.]

Jack: I’ll need Jenna to sing.
Jenna: I’ll do it! But I hate my dress!

Toofer: Well I just finished a screen play where a tidal wave destroys Washington.
Pete: Someone write down Tidal Wave, shut him up!

Frank: What about a tornado that hits a handgun factory and it’s just spinning around shooting handguns?

Kenneth: What happens when the second flood comes and you’re not allowed on Reverend Gary’s ark? Especially because Reverend Gary made it clear the ark is just for teenaged boys.

Frank: There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage t-shirt stores and a banjo.

Kenneth: Everyone needs an emergency plan. For instance right before the ark leaves I’m supposed to castrate Reverend Gary.

Liz: I see you finally decided to come to work.
Tracy: Of course I’m just continue my consistent professional behavior. Let’s laugh together, friend.

Liz: What’s going on with him?
Dot Com: First of all, Good Morning.

Tracy: I want to get it perfect, because Perfection is my middle name. “Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.”

Pete: We’ve got a wide skill set for any post-Apocalyptic scenario. I’m good at archery. Kind of want to die.
Frank: I can use my glasses to start a fire. Toofer can get us through Black, Gay and Nerd controlled neighborhoods. Cerie will be some sort of queen in the new society.
Sue: I will do sex with cannibals as needed.
Kenneth: I can talk to animals. Well not talk to them. I can take commands from them.

Lutz: I could only take three of you. So I’ll have to choose. That sucks. It’s like a reality show where you guys get to compete for a seat in my car by proving how much you like me.

Liz: Tracy I need you to do something.
Tracy: Of course friend. [to camera] Team work is the key to success.

Liz: I hope you didn’t have plans tonight.
Tracy: No. I wasn’t going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.

Producer: Is there anything you two can maybe fight about? And argument that culminates in racial slur would be lovely.

Liz: So we’re good?
Tracy: Never better. I’m as happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.

Robert De Niro: I don’t know Jack, this just doesn’t feel right.
Jack: Bob, it’s for charity. And if you don’t do it I’ll have MSNBC you grew up in England.

Robert De Niro: We’ll always remember where we were when we heard that a tornado had hit a handgun factory. Two days ago when people thought of a mudslide, they just thought of getting drunk in an Applebee’s, but now we know it as the thing that destroyed Denver. When the birds first started attacking us we all thought it was pretty funny and made Hitchcock jokes. But we aren’t laughing now. Because our laughter excites the birds, sexually.

Robert De Niro: This devastating wildfire. This horrible flood. This wonderful flood that put out that devastating wildfire. These super intelligent sharks.

Liz: Tracy, I just thought of a few more things I need from you.
Tracy: [To the Tune of Uptown Girl] Shut your mouth. I am finished taking orders from you. And I think that you’re a four eyed douche…
Producer: Tracy I don’t want to interrupt this moment this is great stuff. But that’s Billy Joel’s. Anything you sing to that tune I can’t use on the show.
Tracy: That’s too bad. But if I sing you can’t do anything. To make look bad on your TV show. And also let me say that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
Liz: You are a child and you’re losing your mind. I want to kick you. I’m not good. At making
Tracy: Unlike me who is good. As you can tell. From this rhyme.

Jenna: [singing] That thing that happened was so sad. We can’t believe it got so bad when the stuff we know occurred went down. So find it in your heart. Step and do your part. And help the people the thing that happened, happened to. Help the people the thing that happened happened too.
Jack: Fantastic, Jenna. You really brought the songwriting computers words to life.

Liz: I was trying to use Angie’s cameras to make him behave. But he found a loophole and now to close it I need $80,000 to but the rights to Uptown Girl.
Jack: It sounds like your trying to fight crazy with crazy.
Liz: Yeah because crazy is the only language Tracy is fluent in.

Liz: We’re not two adults, Jack. One of us is an actor. And actors are not people.
Jenna: Someone get a PA to feed me baby food or I will drop a D in the Green room. Yeah last week you thought I was crying wolf, didn’t ya?

Liz: Your little singing game is over. I got auto tune for computer and if you try to sing I’ll just take out the melody. And nobody has to pay for that. [Into Auto Tune] Liz Lemon won do do do do. That was me singing the Beatles “Here Comes the Sun” for free.

Tracy: I’m not rehearsing. I’m going to shoot garden gnomes at Tupac’s house. [to Producer] Yeah Tupac’s a live. I bet you’d like to have that on your show.

Liz: The kid gloves are coming off.
Tracy: Oh that explains it. Those are gloves. No wonder they’re so coarse and wrinkly.

Liz: Five years ago I rescued your career. And how do you replace me? By making my life harder at every turn. You are late, you blow off rehearsals and that online romance prank was not funny! I fell in love with you.
Tracy: Hahaha. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop.

Tracy: Five years ago I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby.

Liz: Without me do you have any idea where you would be right now?
[Flash]
Tracy: This Honky Grandma be tripping over Surf Master’s Jet skis.

Tracy: Where do you think you’d be without me?
[Flash]
Liz: Now Jerry in rehearsal it’s ok to play with yourself. But when we do that show…
Dennis: Hey dummy. You got to drive me to paintball. No complaining. The only reason I got that DUI is cause it was your birthday. What’s up Jerry? Haha that’s awesome.

Liz: Well at least Jerry bothered to come to reheral. And In my alternate reality Dennis dies and I win the lottery.
Tracy: But then I run you over with a jet ski.
Liz: Damn it!

Jack: It’s perfect. The island is called Mongo, it’s near Fiji. Heavy structural damage, no casualties. Sad but not to sad. Footage of beautiful Polynesian people, proud and top less. Maybe a pelican near some diapers… I dunno.

Jonathan: It’s all happening so fast. We haven’t even given this plan a code name.
Jack: Haven’t we? Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning is a go.

Producer: We’re going to use a little Reality TV magic. We call it “staging it” or “lying.”

Tracy: I have reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
Liz: If I hugged you I would angle it so you got no boob.
Tracy: And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there. I would get there.

Frank: A friend of mine works for Marvel and he got me 4 tickets to a screening of Captain America tonight!
Lutz: Nice! Chris Evan’s body looks amazing in the trailer. When’s his Men’s Health cover?

Lester Holt: If your just joining us, this is NBC continuing coverage of the devastation in Mongo. The Fijian island owned by controversial actor Mel Gibson.
Jack: Good god.
Lester Holt: We are receiving reports of extensive damage to the main house as well as the house for Gibson’s cars. No word yet on Gibson’s collection of Anti-Semetic and misogynistic literature.

Lester Holt: We go now to NBC’s primetime benefit for the victims of the devastation in Mongo. Specifically Mel Gibson and his house guest John Gosslin.

Jenna: Every dollar you give to help…
Voice over: Mel Gibson…
Jenna: will go to rebuilding…
Voice over: his sex Jacuzzi.

Liz: I know it’s fake. But dammit, I miss him.
Tracy: I knew I’d get that boob squwish.

Tracy: I got there.
Liz: I’m angling!

Liz: Your dumb stunt worked?
Jack: It was our highest ratings since Law and Order SVU where the detectives watched American Idol.

Liz: You know some people actually craft stories. And when the story doesn’t have an ending you don’t just create one out of thing air by playing music or having people give each other meaning full looks.
[One Republic “Secrets” plays as Jack and Liz exchange meaningful glances.]

Ratings: 4.922 Million Viewers. 2.9/5 HH Share. 2.4/7 in the 18-49 Demo.

«5.11 – Mrs. Donaghy

5.13 – Que Sorpresa»