5.13 – Que Sorpresa
Originally Aired: February 3, 2011
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: John Riggi
Summary: JACK TRIES TO IMPRESS THE OWNER OF KABLETOWN, WHILE LIZ PRETENDS TO BE PREGNANT TO HELP AVERY (GUEST STAR ELIZABETH BANKS) WITH HER CO-WORKER CARMEN CHAO (GUEST STAR VANESSA MINNILLO).
Jack tries to impress the owner of Kabletown, while Liz helps Avery hide her pregnancy from her competitive co-worker, Carmen Chao (guest star Vanessa Minnillo). Jenna and Tracy have trouble sharing a gift sent from their new bosses.
Promotional Pictures: High Quality
Fan Rating: 4.419 out of 5.
Quotes:
Jack: I need all of you to be your most normal. Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from.
Tracy: Do not mention the underwater city of Ceronikon. God it.
Jack: Jenna, get all your crazy yelling out of your system.
Jenna: If you don’t volumize my hair I will choke you to death with your boyfriends wig!
Jack: Very good. Frank, how’s your armpit thing?
Frank: Not great. It’s almost touching my thigh thing.
Jack: Ok. Let’s do our best. Remember everyone, just don’t be yourselves.
Liz: Do you need sex advice? Here’s a tip. Sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on.
Tracy: Actors deserve gifts. Without us who would present awards to actors?
Tracy: I always wanted one of these. The box would make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
Jenna: Look at us. When we met four years ago we were fighting about the silliest things. Dressing rooms, air times, you coming in and ruining my show.
Tracy: You taking my nephews virginity.
Tracy: You take it. I don’t care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.
Liz: I assumed Avery would have a terrifying best friend she’d do stuff like that with.
Jack: Avery does have a sister but Euginia is currently institutionalized with nerves. Lesbian.
Liz: She’s 8 months how is she possibly hiding it?
Jack: Michael Kors is a friend. We own a gay race horse together. I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable for ladies this winter.
Liz: That would never if men could get pregnant. Which is the premise of my one act play, “The Seahorses of Warwickshire Abbey.
Jack: Her competition is Carmen Chao from MSNBC.
Liz: I know her. Hey what ethnicity is she?
Jack: No one knows.
Carmen: In international news, Mexican president Felipe Calderon is traveling this week to China to meet with Premier Wen Jiabao and then stopping for a well-deserved vacation in Negril, Jamacia, mon.
Jack: Carmen’s very sneaky. And that’s not racist because I don’t know what she is.
Liz: Man we all live such complicated lives. Hey you wanna go to that new popcorn place for lunch?
Jack: You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake. [They hake hands]
Liz: You are confident.
Jack: And you ate dinner in front of a mirror last night.
Liz: Carol’s away a lot.
Hank: I’m a hugger. Nope, doesn’t count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds.
Hank: I’m not “sir” Jack. Call me Hank, or “hey idiot” like my wife does. Just kidding she’s an ange.
Jack: This is where we used to hold retirement parties. The balcony below is probably still littered with stripper bones. Now there are people here wearing sandals.
Hank: I want you to hear ideas all day tomorrow then report back to me. I’ll be the guy wearing the Bugs Bunny tie.
Lutz: What is this green stuff? Wipe it off! Wipe it off!
Carmen: Avery Jessup. Que Sorpresa!
Avery: Carmen! What are you doing here?
Carmen: Oh I just love babies. Love their creepy little hands and the way the crawl fast like a rat monster.
Liz: I’m pregnant and Avery is helping me decide what kind of baby megaphone to buy. [Plays breast pump like a horn.]
Liz: Some dude jacked me and now my sperm is growing in my stomach.
Carmen: That’snot how babies are made.
Liz: I’ll be in your story. You can interview me in that new popcorn place on 11th Avenue.
Carmen: No we’ll do it in your office.
Liz: Fine I’ll just go to the popcorn place alone. Even though all their advertising suggest it is a place for groups of friends to have a good time.
Tracy: Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt?
Jenna: No! You can’t take this away from me like you took away my show and my grandmothers jewelry chest.
Tracy: Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
Tracy: Look how grey it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
Jenna: Well ok… But just one second… YOU’LL NEVER GET HER!
Tracy: Stop! Seatshirty is a boy!
Kenneth: Ms. Lemon! Carmen Chao called about an interview. Is she doing an expose about how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women?
Frank: I was up in the everybody dining room sharing a table with B Dubs here and guess what he told me.
Brian Williams: Ok Gossip alert. According to my college Carmen Chao, our friend, Liz Lemon is pregnant.
Jack: Carmen Chao is relentless. Like a blood hound. Perhaps literally, we still don’t know her genetic background.
Liz: There’s no way I could be pregnant. Because I have had my period for the last 61 days.
Jack: I’m Jack Donaghy. Don Geiss gave me this watch for firing a man on his death bed.
Jack: I’m asking you as a friend.
Liz: How come when I try to get you to go to a murder mystery party with me it’s all “Were business colleges, Lemon. I don’t know why I ever chose you as a friend.
Jack: Let’s just be clear about this, I chose you.
Lutz: I heard the blessed news, Liz. May I kiss your stomach?
Liz: Absolutely not.
Lutz: Hello beautiful, it’s uncle Lutzy.
Frank: Hiya! So that’s basically the show. And my side kick is a hot black chick who can read minds.
Pete: We need a button that switches from pornography to basketball immediately. What you have isn’t’ fast enough. My kids are starting to ask questions that I can’t answer.
Dot Com: This will just be a second. Did you check the lightbulb?
Grizz: Please do not use that tone.
Kenneth: What if there was a black bar on the lower half of the tv screen that kept you from seeing bad things? Like nudity. Or soccer.
Jack: Congratulations. Worst so far.
Tracy: Don’t listen to her she’s not me!
Liz: What is going on?
Tracy: There story begins when dolphins ruled the earth…
Jenna: This is mine!
Tracy: Congratulations! I am not interested in godfather duties.
Jenna: Now’s not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
Tracy: I’m sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn’t do that. It would turn your child into Dracula.
Liz: Now get out of here! And hold hands like best friends on the way out.
Pete: You want anything? Remember you’re eating for two.
Liz: Well I guess two egg sandwiches… times two is four!
Jack: Maybe we can agree that employee pitch day is time that could be better spend drinking and looking out the window.
Hank: I lose my remote all the time! Grrr. Couch cusions!
Jack: I give you voice activation.
Detective Fin: Word from my CI is he got off by [Television turns off]
Jack: Well that shouldn’t happen. TV on.
Detective Munch: The only word we have is from some mute kid. [TV mutes]
Jack: Unmute!
Detective Fin: My friends at the DEA say these guys have a high volume of cocaine coming in from the docks. [Volume turns up]
Jack: Low volume! Low volume!
Detective Munch: First I want to go home and delete everything that’s on my DVR. [DVR Erases]
Jack: Oh come on!
Hank: It would allow parents to eliminate racy content, like soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey.
Jack: Crap. [TV Switches to Keeping Up with the Kardashians]
Jack: This is an opportunity for you. You have over a barrel. What are you going to do?
Kenneth: Not what my uncle does when he has a hitch hiker over a barrel, I’ll tell you that.
Kenneth: You didn’t steal anything from me, sir. Last time I checked, best friends can’t steal from each other. Now stop being a Silly Simon.
Jack: This isn’t how it works! You’re the one being a Silly Simon.
Carmen: I thought I’d ambush you with some pregnancy questions. I hope you’re not unprepared.
Liz: Of course not.
Carmen: When are you due?
Liz: April 20th, Hitler’s birthday.
Carmen: What’s your pediatrician’s name?
Liz: Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.
Carmen: Where was the baby conceived?
Liz: In my vagina.
Carmen: What names are you considering?
Liz: Rufus T. Barleysheath.
Carmen: How are you feeling?
Liz: Oh a little achy and nauseous but I’m hanging in there.
Carmen: Are you pregnant?
Liz: No!… way that I’m not.
Carmen: I don’t know why you’re doing this for Jessup. She’s a blonde; don’t you know there’s a war going on?
Liz: First of all Jack means nothing to me. Shoot him in the throat and let dogs eat him! I don’t care!
Carmen: What’s wrong with you?
Liz: Almost everything.
Woman: You’re really sexing me right now.
Man: Its filthy.
Kenneth: One time I saw a turtle…
Jack: Who the hell do you think you are?
Jack: What do you want? Money? A Promotion? I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny then you eat the bunny!
Kenneth: Isn’t that just Easter?
Jack: I now work for a man who thinks like you?
Kenneth: Does he also solve mazes by working from the end?
Jack: I used you. Now leverage it. Black mail me. Demand to sleep with Avery. Hit me! Hit me in the face!
Liz: Rufus T. Barlysheath is kicking!
Hank: I didn’t notice you there, son. You don’t have a lot of charisma.
Jack: If you call security to escort me out, you should know I have several pistols hidden on me.
Hank: Jack you’re a shark. KableTown were not sharks. Were more like… whatever the friendliest fish is, I’m not a scientist.
Kenneth: Sir, it doesn’t count as a hug unless i
Hank: You got that right, son.
Kenneth: Oooonnneee Misssiiisssiiiipppiiii….
Hank: That’s some good huggin.
Liz: If you want to make it up to me, I have my eye on a toilet pillow from a certain medical supply store…
Jack: Avery and I want the baby’s middle name to be Elizabeth, after you.
Liz: Oh Jack, that’s so gay balls.
Liz: I’m not really pregnant. I was pretending to help Jack.
Tracy: Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.
Tracy: You will be punished. Can I have my nun chucks back?
Tracy: What?! Who’s the black guy?
Liz: A bicycle messenger’s.
Jack: You took you pants off…
Lutz: What if there was a channel that’s just the sounds of people having a party so you can put it on when you call your parents.
Liz: How about a button you push on your remote and you can buy anything you see on TV? Like if your watching Sex and the City and you just have to have Mr. Big’s spaghetti.
Jenna: What if we executed someone on live TV. [Points to hair stylist]
Brian Williams: And then I pull of my mask and I’m a lizard person too. Black out. End of episode.
Ratings: 4.784 Million Viewers. 2.8/5 Household Share. 2.4/6 in the 18-49 Demo.
February 3rd, 2011 at 9:43 pm
That was just hilarious, lovely, and adorable. Raw humor, wonderful exploration of relationships, and underlying depth all at once. I thought the Jack/Kenneth storyline was awesome, meaningful, and remarkably sweet. The other storylines were hilarious and genius. Matt Hubbard never disappoints.
February 4th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
The 30 Rock Season 5 awesome-train continues. White I personally didn’t like it as much as the last two, it this was still really good.
Liz being interrogated by Carmen was the highlight for me. Fey was great. “Oh a little achy an nauseous but I’m hanging in there.”
Tracy and Jennas plot was perfect. Short sweet and perfect. Died when I saw them in the sweatshirt together.
Jack-Kenneth plot line was my favorite though. I actually really liked Hank Hooper. He’s a good replacement for Don Geiss. I’d be ok with him returning. He’s a good foil to Jack.
Quotes will be posted soon. Sorry the 10 PM stuff is messing with my schedule…
February 4th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Who knew that Vanessa Minnillo could be so good?
Damn, I love Tina’s physical comedy.
February 5th, 2011 at 2:07 pm
After the “First of all Jack means nothing to me. Shoot him in the throat and let dogs eat him! I don’t care!”, what does Carmen say? It sounds like “We’re done with that bullshitting,” but it clearly couldn’t be.