5.14 – Double-Edged Sword
Originally Aired: February 10, 2011
Written by: Kay Cannon & Tom Ceraulo
Directed by: Don Scardino
Summary: BOTH JACK’S AND LIZ’S ROMANTIC GETAWAY PLANS ARE FOILED. ELIZABETH BANKS, JOHN CHO AND MATT DAMON GUEST STAR.
Jack and Avery (guest star Elizabeth Banks) go to Canada for a final romantic getaway before they become parents, but when Avery goes into labor, they do everything in their power to not give birth to a Canadian. Meanwhile, Liz’s romantic getaway with Carol (guest star Matt Damon) is ruined when their plane is stuck on the tarmac. Tracy is besieged with the unwanted responsibility of being an EGOT winner.
Promotional Pictures: High Quality
Fan Rating: 4.378 out of 5.0
Quotes:
Liz: Hey do you have a neck pillow? I blew mine and now it smells like my mouth.
Jack: I don’t sleep on planes. I don’t want to get Incepted.
Liz: We’re going to drive out and spend
Jack: You’re going to Nags Head, isn’t that redundant. [Reading Liz’s envelope] You’re going to Nags Head isn’t that redundant.
Liz: [Reading Jack’s envelope] You will hand me and envelope predicting my joke about Nags Head.
Liz: Look at us being adulty? I packed underwear that isn’t grey.
Jack: You and Carol share your trademarked stubbornness.
Liz: We’re not stubborn, we’re principled.
Liz: That would only be a problem if I had any flaws.
Jack: Not only is your fly open, but there’s a pencil sticking out of it.
Jenna: You’re ready mirror Jenna.
Kenneth: The empire state building will be lit in the color of your choosing.
Tracy: Clear.
Kenneth: Sea World will let you borrow a killer whale for Spring Break.
Tracy: I’ll need a whale saddle.
Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star in his next movie.
Tracy: Kate Capshaw’s husband?!Woman: Tracy Jordan asked me to accept this on his behalf because his mouth is full.
Liz: I look forward to seeing how this empowers you to make my life more difficult.
Tracy: As am I, Liz Lemon. It will probably involve a guitar playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
Dot Com: No.
Tracy: Uh hold on Dot Com is confirming that he drowned.
Tracy: Why are you putting me in a suit? I still haven’t memorized my Torah passage.
Carol: Excuse me, young lady are you old enough to be traveling alone?
Liz: I don’t know. I’m going to visit my nana, but I’m scared. Wait that’s too young.
Carol: Look at sweatpants guy. This is a 90 million dollar air craft not a Tallahassee strip club.
Liz: There’s a man on the wing! Oh we haven’t taken off yet… just a mechanic.
Bellboy: This is the Prime Minister Suite.
Bellboy: Oh god you’re breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands.
Jack: You’re not due until March. Why did I buy a Beryllium mine if her birthstone isn’t going to be aquamarine?
Bellboy: At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, I would beg your pardon and ask you, in your opinion, what’s so bad about being Canadian?
Jack: Your milk comes in bags. Bags.
Avery: Your pavilion at Epcot doesn’t have a ride.
Jack: And if Canada is so nice and friendly why does most of our meth come from your Asian drug gangs?
Avery: Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?
Jack: We’re having an American, and she will president. No matter how ridiculous that sentence sounds.
Avery: If only we were in Kenya now we would be fine.
Tracy: I’m not scared of you people. And I don’t think that those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises. Being an EGOT is fun! Here’s to me, spending the rest of my life in rooms like this.
Stewart: While we’re waiting to begin the inflight entertainment which is the feature film Legend of the Guardian: The Owls of Gahol. And some NBC sitcoms that didn’t make the schedule.
Liz: I checked flight tracker on my phone and our status is just a little red angry face.
Carol: We say “half an hour” to control the herds of mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them the right to fly thought he air like the guardian owls of legend! God that’s been our inflight movie for months.
Carol: Maybe you want to fly the yourself. Well good luck pressing take off, then autopilot, then land!
Jack: Every flight is canceled. I called the concierge service with my AmEx invisible card, there are no rental cars, the trains and buses are sold out.
Avery: How far is the border? Maybe we can run.
Jack: I don’t know. Why I asked the lady at the desk she told me in kilometers.
Jack: Maybe it isn’t the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies and he went on to…
Avery: To what Jack? Be a mouthpiece for Federalism then die in a duel to someone named Aaron? Is that what you want our daughter to be? A big government duel loser?!
Liz: Where did all the babies come from?
Gals on the Towns: Staring Aisha Tyler, Teri Polo, Lindsey Price. Love and Friendship, having it all, maybe just a great pair of shoes. One of them has to be Asian. Can they be good at their jobs?
Liz: I can see the terminal out my window where people are buying new magazines, crossing their legs, and eating at a Chili’s express. We were like them once and we can be again.
Liz: I know Captain Burnett. He is a reasonable person. He compromises readily on movie choices and, and sexual positions.
Carol: Ok I can’t turn the air on because I’d have to power the engines up. That wastes fuel. I’m assuming you don’t want to stop for gas in the middle of the ocean?
Liz: Ok what about the bathrooms?
Carol: Stewart did not study dance at Carnage Melon to be a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.
Liz: Well at least give us some food.
Carol: Negative. Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in flight. You open them at sea level someone could be killed.
Carol: Am I just another authority figure that you’re taking one of your stands against, like that police horse you yelled at?
Liz: If I can’t poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?
Stewart: And the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. All passengers, including any lipless middle aged women wearing lesbian clown shirts, should please take their seats at this time.
Tracy: Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don’t want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry but Tracy Jordan doesn’t do safety schools.
Pete: You ever hear about the Peter principle?
Tracy: Yes just now.
Pete: The reason people are unhappy in their careers is they keep getting promoted until their in over their heads. The Peter Principle says you ride to the level of your incompetence.
Tracy: But my incompetence knows no bounds.
Pete: We Hornbergers are famous cowards. On D-Day, my grandfather war a German uniform under his American one, just in case.
Kenneth: There’s a reason men like that aren’t chosen for greatness.
Tracy: I don’t remember saying you can listen to that conversation.
Tracy: Al Sharpton would denounce him in a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn’t have an office.
Kenneth: Exactly.
Tracy: I thought going to the next level would be amazing like guitar playing chimpanzee amazing. God bless and keep him.
Lorne: No no don’t go back there. You drive while we hide out in the back, hang out in the back. Everything’s normal. No smoking.
Lorne: Great. I’m Lorne. If you’re a cop you have to tell me. I’m just kidding we’re all on vacation.
Avery: Is this a mobile meth lab?
Jack: Yes it is. Look if you want to quit.
Avery: Quit? I never quit anything in my life. I’m still in Girl Scouts. I have 9000 badges.
Jack: I’m still looking for a golf I shanked in 1987. I’m not taking that penalty stroke.
Avery: Good then we agree. Now let’s drive this bomb to Buffalo and get this little bitch out of me.
Liz’s stomach: Turkey wraps!
Carol: We’ll forget any of this ever happened, like the fact that you’ve insulted me in front of my entire crew. Especially Stewart who often makes up hurtful nicknames for me. Like Mr. Bumpy landing.
Carol: I already forgot you said I was bad at my job. When everything on TGS has been so great lately. Austin Powers on Cross Fire. Timely stuff.
Liz: I’m not even going to ask what the hell that voice is you use on the intercom? Uh folks half an hour means forever…uh…uhh…uhhh.
Carol: [laughs] Can I tell you what I hate about you? You’re so stubborn when you think you’re right. Even when the answer is on the Trivial Pursuit card.
Liz: The card was wrong! And you’re no better, Carol. You built that shelf incorrectly!
Carol: I did not! I wanted the books to slide off!
Lorne: Those contracts she’s having are real? Because they sound very sitcomy.
Jack: Avery and I want our daughter to be born in America. So she can one day become president and declare war on Germany like when we were awesome.
Lorne: They made me memorize all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary.
Lorne: I got kicked out for karate chopping my roommate. I know I’m a stereotype, all guys for Quebec are good at karate.
Lorne: Oh my god where are my manners? Do you want to try meth?
Jack: I’m quitting. I’m calling 911 and getting an ambulance to take us to the nearest hospital.
Lorne: Actually you dial 272 here.
Jack: I will not do that.
Tracy: I have a responsibility to fix the word starting with the worst place ever.
Kenneth: IKEA on a Saturday?
Tracy: Africa. I leave today. Goodbye.
Jenna: Begin moving my things to his dressing room.
Liz: Having seen Crimson Tide on Showtime last weekend I believe the only course of action available to us is passenger mutiny! I am Denzel!
Carol: I am evoking Sky Law. You are now silence shrieking harpy! Stop speaking.
Air Marshal: Maybe this is one of those times where on the count of three you both say you were wrong.
Liz & Carol: One two three NEVER!
Liz: I’m going to pull the emergency slide and we’re all getting off this plane! I’ll be a folk hero like that guy everyone hates now!
Carol: I will waste you!
Liz: You’ll have to go through this old bastard first!
Jack: Lemon we had the baby.
Avery: We? We?!
Jack: Quiet you need your rest.
Jack: Yes my daughter is Canadian American but I am going to treat her like a human baby.
Liz: That’s what it takes, somebody needs to be willing to quit. I hope you and Avery can make it because you have a whole lifetime ahead of you of that double-edged sword just swinging around trying to cut our faces off.
Jack: Thank you Lemon. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I’m glad I called.
Avery: This woman is trying to tell me we don’t have to have to pay for any of this.
Woman: Right. The Canadian healthcare system…
Jack: Oh no you don’t. We will not be party to this socialist perversion. You will take our money.
Woman: I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that.
Liz: Oh this is going to be good.
Jack: Avery can you walk yet?
Avery: I am right behind you, Jack.
Jack: Let’s go find a Canadian who will take our money.
Credits: Executive Producer Lorne Michaels.
Tracy: This is bigger than all of that. Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug!
Ratings: 4.593 Million Viewers. 2.8/5 House Hold/Share. 2.3/6 in the 18-49 Demo.
January 31st, 2011 at 11:26 pm
So is this Damon’s last appearence? Are they breaking up on Valentines Day? I need answers!
February 9th, 2011 at 7:35 am
I need to know if John Cho is seriously going to be in this episode!! That would be awesome!
February 11th, 2011 at 1:48 am
Sad. I knew they were breaking up in this episode but I was hoping it was something more resolvable (maybe this will be, but it was crazier than I expected). If Liz Lemon doesn’t end up happy with an awesome guy there will be hell to pay.
Also, the last scene in the hospital was hilarious.
February 11th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
So many thoughts on this episode! Most positive.
- I thought the Tracy storyline fell flat. I even skipped over it when I rewatched the episode. Just not funny.
- I thought it was incredibly weird but very 30 Rock that they crammed three huge, have-their-own-episode-worthy plot lines– Liz and Carol break up, Tracy EGOTs, Avery has the baby– into one episode. I think I would’ve liked each event to get more attention in separate episodes, but this worked fine I suppose.
- Loved the Avery/Jack storyline. Why is making fun of Canada so hilarious? It is, though. And I’m probably one of the dozen people who actually really likes Avery and Jack together.
- That baby was adorable. What’s her name?? I know Avery told Colleen they would name her Colleen, but I have a feeling Jack won’t agree to that.
- Speaking of that scene, some people were angry that Jack wasn’t paying attention to Liz when she was going to tell him she and Carol broke up. I think this is unfair– the guy just had his first child, and it’s not like he hung up on Liz or anything.
- I never grew very attached to Carol. Probably because he hasn’t been in many episodes. I don’t mind seeing him go. He’ll be a fun edition to the Liz Lemon’s Exes set (they should make trading cards!)
- I would like the baby to be Jack’s, but if they must find an excuse to get rid of the Jack’s-a-daddy storyline, and/or get rid of Elizabeth Banks because she’s a movie star, I will only accept the baby being Brian William’s. I will accept no other option.
February 11th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
re: OMG-PC: I agree about the last scene with Jack on the phone with Liz. He just had a child! He wasn’t rude, he was caught up in the moment. They had both been through something big and it was perfectly understandable.
I’m only sad to see Carol go because Liz has been so fun this season, but I was never attacthed to him. Even though he was around a lot longer, I still feel like Floyd was a more important relationship? I hope they don’t return to Liz being miserable, and that this breakup makes her experience some sort of growth. Also, I hope whoever she dates next she has a lot of chemistry with. Tina and Matt didn’t ever seem totally comfortable with one another until this episode, unlike Jason Sudekis and Jon Hamm.
February 11th, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Who played the “I’m not an Air Marshall”?
February 11th, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Loved this episode!!!!! much more enjoyed than the past few.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Two favorite random bits:
–Tina singing the “Gals on the Town” theme song
–Alec doing the voiceover for the owls movie at the end
February 12th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this episode. I just couldn’t get into it. As for Avery/Jack, I can’t see how their relationship is going to work in the long run and I think throwing a baby in the mix made it so much more difficult. I liked the Carol/ Liz storyline and I don’t mind them breaking up. Especially because we have known about it for a month. Tracy’s storyline fell flat, like OMG-PC said. I don’t know. Just didn’t feel it this time.
February 13th, 2011 at 5:01 am
I absolutely have laughed myself silly at the first 3 episodes this season but this episode just fell FLAT. I did giggle mostly at the Canadian jibes but that was about it. I guess it was more a ‘storyline’ episode?? Maybe to move things forward? I did NOT like that Liz and Carol broke up. I really liked them together, but I guess it maybe too expensive to have Matt Damon on all the time.
February 13th, 2011 at 10:59 am
For those not especially digging Elizabeth Banks just watch her after Jack tells Liz they had the baby. Also, the Tracy accepting his award scene was spoofing an infamous incident when Marlon Brando won an Academy Award, i’m sure that reference was unbeknownst to a lot of you.
February 16th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
that episode was OBJECTIVELY HILARIOUS.