Originally Aired: April 14, 2011

Written by: Vali Chandrasekaran & Jon Haller
Directed by: Stephen Lee Davis

Summary: LIZ (TINA FEY) MUST FIND OUT WHERE TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) IS HIDING. PHIL ROSENTHAL GUEST STARS.

With “TGS” on the brink of cancellation, Liz and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) go into detective mode to track Tracy down. Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) helps Jenna (Jane Krakowski) make sure her new project is financially successful. And Pete (Scott Adsit), feeling emasculated, challenges the writers and crew to a contest of strength.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Fan Rating: 3.90 out of 5.

Quotes:

Liz: Don’t play stupid, Walter.

Kenneth: We have ways of making people talk…[pulls out knife]… by giving them fresh apple slices.

Dot Com: You think we don’t want him back? Do you know how much our cobra payments are? And he’s the only one who knows the combination to the candy safe.
Grizz: The worst part is being able to see the candy.

Liz: If I find out you’re holding out on me I will no longer allow you to use my office for your history club.
Dot Com: That’s ironic because next week’s topic is fascism.

Jack: What about Grizz and Dot Com?
Liz: They don’t know anything. Neither does anyone Tracy’s close too: His wife, Charles Barkley, Edward James Almost, who is an Edward James Olmos look alike that Tracy is friends with.

Liz: Tracy only contacts Kenneth on special occasions, like Bastille Day.
Jack: I’m going to go ahead and assume that Bastille is a stripper.
Liz: As well you should.

Liz: There’s a chance he may call tomorrow because it’s his lizard’s birthday.
Jack: Has it really been a year since we were all at the Waldorf eating that cake made out of lizard meal.
Liz: Yup. Jeremy’s almost eleven.

Liz: Listen to me. I sound like Cagney and Lacey but without the slutty clothes.

Jack: This morning I figured out how to fix NBC. We will only do shows that work.
Liz: That’s nonsense.

Jack: Do you know what the business model is in the industry? Make 10 shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French Air Force.

Jack: 15 Million dollars so far developing a show called “Who Nose?” about an investigative reporter who can’t smell and has to get the story using his eyes, ears and other senses.
[Cut to Clip of Who Nose?]
Reporter: You under estimated me, congressman, because I can’t smell. But you made one mistake: You let me see the documents.

Jack: 10 Million developing Dad 2.0? Not on my watch.
[Cut]
Dad 2.0: You’re father may be gone, but before he died, he programed me to take his place.
Jack: Shut it down. This is terrible.

Pete: Yes Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that gypsy’s kid with my car.

Jenna: Listen up 5s a 10 is speaking.

Jenna: As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby Dolls I’ve been selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico.

Jenna: Jenna Babies were my back up if TGS gets cancelled. But don’t worry because I have a back up to my back up.
Frank: We don’t ever worry about you. We don’t think about you.
Jenna: That’s right, Frank, I’ve booked a movie. It’s called “Take My Hand.” It’s kind of an artsy character study about a young woman who has a lot of holes drilled in her head by a deranged veterinarian named Slaughter Face.
Frank: Oh so you’re doing a torture porn thing like Saw.
Jenna: Exactly! In fact, the producers of this movie rented Saw and watched it.

Jenna: On an unrelated matter, does anyone know where I can get intimate bleaching done in Stanford Connecticut? Anyone?

Jenna: I’m leaving to do a movie, Pete.
Pete: What? No you can’t do that!
Jenna: That’s what your wife told me in the shower this morning.

Liz: Well as hard as it is to believe given our apparent ages, this is my son.
Pizza Guy: Seems about right.
Liz: Ok. Good. My son is currently studying at a local pizza academy.
Pizza Guy: Really?! Which one?
Liz: New York… Pizza… Academy.
Pizza Guy: Well then I hate you because I’m a Pizza Academy of New York man.
Liz: Ha!
Kenneth: Wonderful.

Pizza Guy: So what fraternity are you pledging?
Kenneth: I’m not. There are not fraternities at New York Pizza Academy.
Pizza Guy: That’s right. You correctly answered my trick question. Now I’m bound by Pizza Academy tradition to grant you any request.
Liz: Wow, this could not have gone any better.

Kenneth: We need to see all your delivery receipts from the last 2 months.
Pizza Guy: Oh you got that delivery receipt exam coming up, huh? What a bear.

Pete: Yeah! Eat your weakness!

Jack: Congratulations, according to the transitive property you’ve just defeated Muammar Gaddafi at arm wrestling.

Frank: Pete, lunch is your pick!
Pete: Take out from Hooters!
Frank: What? That makes no sense!
Pete: We’ll know they touched it!

Director: Our budget depends on getting a tax break from Connecticut. And they say we’re not portraying the state in a positive light.
Jenna: How are we not doing that, Shawn? I’m a little baffled over here.
Director: Yeah no it’s just that we’re spending tax payer money saying there’s a veterinarian running around Connecticut trying to make a house out of breasts for the governor to live in.
Jenna: But there’s a positive message at the end of it. If you’re a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you.

Kenneth: There have been several deliveries to this address with Mr. Jordan’s signature order: Large cheese pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I’m eating Pac Man like my hero Blinky the ghost.

Tracy: Well well well, you found me. After I ordered Thai food and gave you this address.

Liz: I’m sorry I thought my friend was living here.
Kenneth: And my best friend! Oh is this awkward because I’m your best friend but you’re not my best friend.

Kenneth: A copy of Black Yachts magazine and a Rubik’s cube that has been smashed out of anger! Mr. Jordan was here!

Liz: Can I work here? I’ll do anything. I’ll get in my bra and then you can throw nails at me. I’ll dance for you!

Jenna: Jack, can we talk one 10 to another?
Jack: I’m an 11 but continue.

Jenna: Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called “Take my Hand”.

Jack: Years ago Universal had a project by that name. It was a romantic comedy with Reese Whitherspoon and Patrick Dempsey.
Jenna: Reese Whitherspoon is just a likeable version me.
Jack: Then she dropped out and it was rewritten as a Buddy comedy with Dempsey and Josh Hartnett, but everyone fell asleep during the table read. So we moved it over to Telemundo where they tried to turn it into a variety show hosted by a supermodel and a soccer ball with a mustache.
Jenna: I met that soccer ball once at a no hands allowed sex party.
Jack: Then after another round of rewrites it was picked up by our low budget thriller high budget porno division, Splatterflicks. Now it’s a horror movie starring “Any blonde actress.”
Jenna: Thank you.

Jack: This is exactly what I was talking to Lemon about. Three years. Millions on rewrites. $20,000 on first class flights for the drill!

Jenna: Ok we just need to hire some of those ugly people who have the paper and change the shapes on it.
Jack: Writers? No. We’ll do the work ourselves.
Jenna: Meet me in my dressing room. I’ll get a computer from one of the ugly people.
Jack: And I’ll bring the world’s greatest encyclopedia… my mind.

Reggie: Hey is that a To Do list? Cause if your wife’s on there I’ve already taken care of it.
Pete: I challenge you to the wrestling of arms!
Reggie: What?
Pete: Arm wrestling. On the stage. Midnight.

Pete: I’ll meet you anytime, anywhere. I just have to work around a PTA meeting at 5:00 that I can’t miss cause this week I’m snack dad.

Jack: Lemon you look terrible. And I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.

Liz: Kenneth and I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club and Kenneth grabbed a cops gun and shot a blimp.

Jack: Did you make sure that Tracy wasn’t pretending to be his own wax figure at Madam Tussauds?
Liz: Yes there was some confusion and I ended up punching the real Levar Burton.

Liz: I’m going to go get Jerermy. I hope he’s not still in heat. He’s gotten my top off before.

Jenna: Did you know Connecticut is home to oldest public library in the United States?
Jack: Could you use that to motivate SlaughterFace sewing the sheriff’s mouth to his own face? … of course, elegant…. Uh should “Vagina-torium” be capitalized?

Frank: You’re like a new man, Pete.
Pete: Yeah I am. Last night I had sex with Paula and none of us were wearing a Walkman.

Pete: Never thought I’d feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a leprechaun vomiting on a book.

Slaughterface: No one’s coming to save you. Because we’re deep inside one of Connecticut’s 30 beautiful state forests. 30!
Jenna: Oh please! Don’t kill me. I still haven’t tried the famous sea food pizza at Sally’s in New Haven.

SlaughterFace: I can never find stuff to watch with my kids, thank you Wal-mart.

Jack: Jenna, to your dressing room to write.
Jenna: It begins with the words!

Tracy: Jeremy, call me when you’re alone.

SlaughterFace: Merry Christmas!
Jenna: I Practice abstinence.
All: Connecticut!

Jack: This is Phil Rosenthal, the creator of the acclaimed show “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
Phil: Last great sitcom, still does a ¾ share in syndication. I did ok. I’ve got a refrigerator that’s just for soda.
Jack: Anyway, Phil is interested in getting into acting.
Phil: I’ve got the bug.
Jack: And has offered to pay us 5 million dollars to be in the movie.
Phil: I’ll rewrite the part myself.
Jack: You know what why don’t we just get one as written then play with it. You are a guest here, Phil.

Jenna: Hello, Phil. I never heard back about my audition for Everybody Loves Raymond. I wondered if you’d made a decision.
Phil: Yeah, 15 years ago. We went with Doris Roberts. But thank you for tying your headshot to a brick and throwing it in my window.

Frank: Ha! I beat you! We’re getting lunch from IKEA!

Kenneth: That’s fine. Don’t offer your guest anything.

Tracy: Wax statue!
Kenneth: Darn it! I thought we had him.

Liz: Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize my college futon with its trademark absence of sex stains.

Tracy: Think about it. TGS is you’re your whole life. So where’s the last place you would be if you were trying to save your show? Home! Life lessons from an unlikely source.
Liz: The only thing I do here is sleep.
Tracy: I know, I seen you do it.
[Flashback to Liz room’s at night.]
Tracy: You’re having a dream. Is this your only mustard?

Liz: You we’re the one wrote “Every kind of mustard” on my shopping list.
Tracy: And yet you still don’t have the one I’m thinking of. It’s red. It says “ketchup” on it. Oh. I hear it. That’s on me.

Tracy: As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Klemon. I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now remember to save time you two are Klemon. It’s a combination of…
Liz: Just keep going.
Tracy: I had everything I dreamed of, awards, respect, Justin Long’s autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world. It’s too much pressure. Like the time I got stuck in Temple Grandin’s hugging machine at a Golden Globes party.

Liz: You pretended to be in Africa so that no one would be disappointed in you.
Tracy: I’m sorry I did this to you, half of Klemon. I had no choice. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him. And I’m not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plan ride with Sean Penn.

Liz: You want your old life back? You’re Tracy Jordan. Hulk Hogan called you a dirt bag. The NAACP once hired someone to kill you. You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana’s funeral.
Tracy: Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us.

Liz: You were the worst. And you can be again. You just have to go out there and remind people who you really are. Go trash a hotel room. Expose yourself to Elmo. Visit OJ in jail again. Attack the Lincoln memorial with a hammer.

Jenna: [Beatboxes]
Phil: I’m the hero cop, and I’m here to say. Don’t do drugs is what I’m here to say.
Jenna: I can’t believe that amazing rap is available now on iTunes!

Liz: Are you kidding? Nobody’s going to pay to see that.
Jack: It doesn’t matter it’s already profitable. It works, Lemon.

Announcer: To vote for Phil Rosenthal, text Phil to 62288.
Liz: Vote for what? Isn’t this supposed to be a movie?
Jack: Again it doesn’t matter people will just do it and we get 99 cents a text.
Liz: We’ll I am not letting Rosenthal win. I am voting for the Muppet!
Announcer: To vote for Liz Lemon text “Liz” to 62288.

Ratings: 4.445 Million Viewers.  2.2/6 in the Demo.

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5.20 – 100th Episode»