Originally Aired: April 21, 2011

Written by: Jack Burditt, Robert Carlock, Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: WITH “TGS” ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION, LIZ (TINA FEY) AND HER STAFF HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE TO PROVE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR 100TH EPISODE.

When Hank Hooper (Ken Howard) threatens to cancel “TGS”, Jack (Alec Baldwin) convinces him to allow Liz and company the chance to do their 100th episode. To produce the best show possible, however, Liz must deal with less-than-ideal working conditions. Amidst the chaos of show preparation, Jack starts doubting a key decision in his life and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) contemplates motherhood.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Fan Rating:

Quotes:

Liz: This better be important Jack. I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on Ebay.

Jack: How long have you been there? I was sitting in that chair a minute ago.
Hank Hooper: Nope! That was me! What can I say, I smell like leather!

Hank Hooper: I know a Philly gal when I hug one!

Hank Hooper: Without Tracy your show is like my cholesterol; the numbers are killing me!

Jack: We’ve been getting some good media buzz. We got on Wikipedia this week!

Liz: Really? You want to cancel the only show on your network staring a 42 year old woman? A show that is #1 in its timeslot among men 18-49… months left in prison. I thought this company was a family but I guess it’s that Austrian family and I’m the girl in the basement and you are the dad that has been brutally…
Jack: Thank you! Lemon…

Hank Hooper: Alright you get one more shot. Just like the army doctor said to me after my weekend in Okinawa.

Hank Hooper: No wonder you’re here with us good folks at Kabletown instead of running GE. They’re mean. Jack Welsh once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Superbowl.

Jack: You just need to turn the beautiful butterfly back into a drunk incompetent caterpillar.

Liz: I booked him on every morning show in New York. Tracy will destroy all his goodwill in time for rehearsal. I’ve been prepping him all week.
[Flashback]
Liz: So Tracy Jordan. My wife Joy and I were…
Tracy: [shoves Liz] Jesus was black!

Jack: Just get him back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.
Liz: Really is it from that pie place.
Jack: And I’m tired of going to bat for you and your show.
Liz: Really? Ok but just to be clear…
Jack: There is no pie!

Danny: [Singing] Who wears a swimsuit to Denny’s that’s her.
Jenna: That’s me!
Announcer: That’s Pam! The Morbidly Obese Overly Confident Woman
Jenna: I can’t sit in a booth!
Pete: And cut! Congratulations everyone. In 100 shows we’ve done Pam 107 times.

Jenna: Can you believe it’s been 5 years since we both started doing this.
Danny: That wasn’t me. There used to be another guy.
Jenna: I don’t think so.

Danny: Can you reminisce about something that’s happened since I’ve been here cause I couldn’t see any of that.

Kenneth: I’ll never forget what you said to me after that first show, Ms. Maroney.
[Flashback]
Kenneth: Terrific show, mam. If I know anything about television, The Girlie Show is a hit!
Jenna: Please if this turkey goes 100 episodes, I’ll have your baby.

Danny: Wait I saw that… How?! Am I dead?!

Kenneth: Well it’s been 100 episodes. I better lay you across my grandmother’s lap in the mating shed.

Jenna: The only thing I want latched to my fun bags are celebrity DJs.

Jenna: You albino goon!
Kenneth: I wish. Albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.

Danny: I can’t even imagine you pregnant. Picture you in US Weekly next to Natalie Portman in the same maternity outfits. Who wore it best?
Jenna: I did. I wore it best. …A baby gets you attention.

Frank: So we’re counting on Tracy? Forget it. [Takes off hate to reveal smaller hat “I Give Up”]
Liz: Frank, put that bigger hat back on!

Liz: Tonight, TGS will not be the worst thing on television! It will be John Stossel.

Tom: Gas leak. Great… Damn it! Why now?! On my last day before retirement. Here let me show you guys something. It’s my girl. We’re getting married when I get out of here.

Subhas: Who wants to kiss?

Jack: You know what I find fascinating?
Tom: Mystery novels written my janitors?

Pete: I’ve got other things going on too, you know. See, I got a new hair. It’s white and it huts but..

Jack: How bad is this leak?
Tom: It’s pretty bad. Prolonged exposure could lead to incapacitation or even death. Other possible side effects include hallucinations, revelations of secrets, telling truths, flashbacks, headaches, nostalgia…

Jack: Evacuate the 6^th floor. I don’t care if anyone dies. I refuse to have long gas induced conversations with any of you people.

Liz: I can’t believe it’s been 100 shows. More like a 100 little strokes. Hahaha…*cries*.

Liz: I had a boyfriend, Dennis. Sure he was an idiot but he made great chili and didn’t care if I watched TV during sex.

Kenneth: Everyone evacuate immediately, this is not a drill. The gas is not affecting me yet so I can lead you to safety. Just follow these… TROLL PENISES!

Rachel Ray: He is an Oscar winner for his role as D’ Jeffery Lucky Sida in the movie “Hard to Watch.” Please welcome Tracy Jordan.
Tracy: Why don’t you shut your mouth, back that ass up and make me a sandwich.
Rachel Ray: He’s awesome! You are still in character as the verbally abusive D’Jeffrey. It’s become such a part of him.

Regis: So Tracy Jordan.
Kelly: You’ve asked to come on our show because you had a revelations about your Post Oscar trip to Africa.
Tracy: I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn’t got to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
Kelly: I love your honesty.

Matt Lauer: It’s because you didn’t feel like your authentic self, that you walked away from success. That’s actually very brave, don’t you think?
Tracy: No! It’s unbrave! You should hate me!
Matt Lauer: I can’t. You fly free. I’m a bird in the cage. Hey you have to stick around we’ve got our “no cook cooking hair make unders.”
Tracy: What does that even mean?!
Matt Lauer: It’s new haircuts, but you can make salads with them.

Liz: Frank, what is this? Broken eyboard alk Show?
Frank: I write what I know. Also I broke my keyboard.

Tracy: What is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage your put on a barn? See that’s the kind of lazy stand up I’ll never do again.

Liz: Just come back and do the show tonight and we’ll figure all this out.
Tracy: FU LL! Spells FULL because you are full of BS Liz Lemon.

Tracy: I can’t take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.

Jenna: Liz, do you think I’d be a good mother.
Liz: [Spit take] No! And I wasn’t even drinking anything.

Jenna: Being pregnant is a great reason for why I stopped working instead of the truth: I’m in my 40s, I’m very difficult and not that good at playing La Realete.

Liz: Think about this. You will have a child.
Jenna: Who will grow up to be little gay fancy man.

Jenna: I’ll have you know I talked with a man this morning who thinks I’d be a wonderful mother.
Liz: He must be an idiot.
Jenna: [Looks at Kenneth] He is an idiot.

Homeless man: What about a sketch about how the Empire State building is controlling us with electricity.
Liz: Come on get out of here!

Tom: I’m getting to old for this Shhh… sound that comes from this gas pipe.

Jack: Who are you? You’re so handsome.
Sideways Jack: I’m Jack Donaghy, CEO of General Electric. The question is, who are you?

Sideways Jack: I come from an alternate universe in which I followed our plan for world domination. I run the General. I own an NFL team. I guest stared on Entourage.

Jack: I’ll tell you what I don’t do: Wear a striped tie with a striped shirt.
Sideways Jack: It’s called power clashing. And I do it because I can. I wore this on the January cover of Meetings Magazine.
Jack: We made the cover during Meetings history month?!
Sideways Jack: I made the cover.

Sideways Jack: Here isn’t even GE anymore. It’s KableClown.
Jack: Town! Donaghy! And that’s not funny!
Sideways Jack: It was funny when I said it on my syndicated radio show.

Sideways Jack: You used to be a shark.
Jack: I still am! Look at my claws!
Sideways Jack: Sharks don’t have claws! You don’t even know what a shark is anymore!

Sideways Jack: What the hell is a Pwomp?!
Jack: It’s when two fat people…
Sideways Jack: I don’t care! What’s happened to you? To us? We make me sick.

Tom: Mr. Donaghy.
Jack: Yes Tom.
Sideways Jack: What?!
Tom: The gas leak has spread to this floor. You got to clear out before you start seeing things.
Jack: Thank you, Tom.
Sideways Jack: I’ll clear you out!

Tracy: I am a Jedi!
Hipster: Hey look. Tracy Jordan is ironically appropriating his bad past behavior as a commentary on Fitzgerald’s dictum that there are no second acts in American life. I’m going to take a picture with my old fashioned camera.

Liz: Tracy Jordan Saves Drowning Man?! Come on!

Liz: Lutz, what are you working on?
Lutz: Breathing threw my mouth so I don’t smell the throw up on my shirt. I would take my shirt off but I visited my rescued chimp for his birthday last week and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it. And then he kissed it. And then he ate it.

Liz: Cerie did you not bring my computer down?
Cerie: You said you were writing. I’ve only seen you use that computer to look at pictures of Nate Burkis.
Liz: Ugh! Pwomp!

Liz: Hey Jack, you’re friends with Jeter and Springsteen right? Can you call and see if they’ll be in the cold open? They’ll have to kiss.

Liz: What just happened?
Jack: You happened? Sideways Jack was right.
Liz: Sideways what?

Liz: Did you also have to evacuate the NBC store?
Jack: No it’s just empty.

Jack: This TV nonsense was supposed to be my stepping stone. Instead it’s my gravestone. And do you know whose fault that is?
Liz: Sort of feel like you’re going to say Leno?

Jack: I got so sucked into trying to repair you that I became the American auto industry, failing to recognize that you can’t fix a lemon.

Liz: I dragged you down?! Opposite!

Jack: I should have gone with my gut and fired you when we first met.
Liz: What? Flashback please!
[Flashback to Pilot]
Jack: Pete hang back…
Pete: Yeah you bet.
Jack: We have a problem.
Pete: I can explain, my zipper broke.
Jack: I don’t think Liz Lemon’s female voice is a good match for Tracy Jordan. Firing Lemon will send a message to the whole staff.
Pete: No no you can’t fire Liz. This show is her life. She hasn’t got much going on. She threw a birthday party for her TV.

Liz: You tried to fire me? And then a week later you’re like oh I want to mentor you, unlikely friendship. Who do you think you are?

Liz: I should have fired you, from my life! [Struggles to open door.]
Jack: I knew you were supposed to push but I didn’t say anything.

Jenna: The MSG is delicious today.
Paul: I’m so glad that you were able to meet me on my break. Is this just a talk or will you be activating my electric underwear?

Jenna: Paul, do you think I’d be a good mother?
Paul: Of course not. And I’d be a terrible father. I mean what if we had a child that was prettier than us? We’d have to leave it in the desert.

Jenna: It wasn’t something I thought about until Kenneth said I’d be good at it. And of course it’d be a great for my career. Everyone would talk about my crazy name choice. Right now it’s between Frisbee-Face and Glock. Gender irrelevant.

Paul: I love you Jenna Maroney. I want to hog tie you and hide you in the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus with just a bowl of dirty water.
Jenna: I love you too.

Dennis: Hey dummy.
Liz: Gah! What?!

Liz: Thinks were better 5 years ago, Jack. I was in my 30s and everything!

Dennis’ voice mail: Whaazsaap?! You’ve reached Dennis’ voice mail. How you doin’? Get out of here Joey! I’m recording my voicemail.
Liz: Is that real?

Dennis: I knew someday you’d be all vulnerable from a gas leak or a coma or a super period.

Dennis: I’m a Duffy, Liz. And us Duffys we didn’t give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn’t give up when America sent us back. And we didn’t give when Ireland then just sent us adrift on a log.

Kenneth: What a day! Ms. Lemon’s going to get Mr. Jordan back, we’re going to do the best show ever, and out on the plaza a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was going to eat it but he just sat there. What’s next?! A different bird landing on a different apple?

Tracy: I can’t get anyone mad at me. I even called a woman’s basketball team nappy headed hos but apparently I’m allowed to talk like that… Why?

Hank Hooper: I just had a meeting with news down on 4th. Brian Williams sure gets close to you when he talks. Very feminine energy.

Liz: He just likes to learn his lines in the bathroom and communicate on the phone.
Hank Hooper: You know I once had to speak to the Screen Actors Guild, bunch of nut jobs.

Liz: You think the world has turned its back on you? That’s not true. A place where you can remember the man you used to be. A place where you can eat buffet ribs while someone’s daughter shakes her crack at you. Tracy Jordan I’m taking you to a strip club.

Liz: Excuse me miss, how much is a lap dance? I’m a little light on cash but I have a PayPal account.

Stripper: Oh my God! Tracy Jordan. When I saw you in Hard to Watch…
Liz: No no keep it light.
Stripper: You inspired me to contact my biological father.
Liz: No daddy stuff…
Stripper: I hadn’t spoken to him in 13 years.
Liz: Maybe show him your but.
Tracy: There are tears flowing on her boobies Liz Lemon.

Liz: Come on guys, I’m making it rain.
Janitor: Get off the stage! No whites!

Kenneth: Oh my. Candles, incense, disco music. Someone’s getting into the Easter spirit.

Jenna: Fine I’ll get you when you’re sleeping. It’s not rape if neither party really wants it!

Jenna: You’re back!
Tracy: Yeah this is my front. Thanks for setting me up for another classic quote.
Jenna: I borrowed your whale semen candle. It didn’t work by the way.

Jenna: Look I would never say this on the record…
Tracy: Of course this is all off the record. [Turns off recorder.]

Jenna: I do understand. Look at Roman Polanski.
Tracy: No thank you.
Jenna: Or Elia Kazan. He told the government that his friends were Communists then got a standing ovation at the Oscars.
Tracy: That’s crazy!… a man named Elia. That’s a giraffe’s name.

Jenna: The only celebrities who completely undo their good will are the murderers. John Wilkes Booth, Phil Specter, OJ Simpson… who texted me earlier today.
Tracy: Shoot someone huh? Nah that’s crazy, even for us.
Jenna: I guess it would take a pretty big gas leak to make you think that was a good idea.

Liz: All right 100^th episode, 100 hours of comedy!
Toofer: Minus the commercials.
Liz: 20 hours of comedy.

Dennis: Hey Dummy.
Liz: Damn it!
Dennis: Look Liz if this is going to work out between you and me you should know my tarantula sleeps on my face.

Dennis: I’ll never do better than you, Liz Lemon, because you’re a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

Liz: Subhas take out the trash.
Subhas: Don’t order me around woman!

Past Jack: I’m Past Jack because I’m from the past and I’m you.
Jack: Yeah I get it.

Past Jack: If you’re my future I’m going to jump.
Sideways Jack: Stop him! If he jumps we don’t exist anymore.
Jack: I’m perfectly aware of that. I studied time dilation and quantum teleportation in college.
Sideways Jack: No you didn’t you saw Time Cop
Past Jack: Really I never saw Time Cop.
Jack: You will in 2007, and you’ll love it.

Jack: Why are you talking like that?
Past Jack: This is how everyone talked in the 80s. This is how Reagan talked.

Past Jack: Well then take this! [Punches himself in the balls] That only hurt me. Why did I think that would hurt you too?

Future Jack: This tuxedo was made out of the puma that I rode into my 50^th birthday party.
Jack: Why are you both wearing tuxedos?
Sideways Jack: It’s after 6 what are we, farmers?
Future Jack: It’s after 6 what are we, farmers?

Dr. Spaceman: Just wanted to check everything out after your little gas scare. Well my pen light is working. Now can you say the alphabet for me?
Pete: Well I very very heavy flirtation tonight. We had a vary derrison…derrison by… let’s go and tear the station and tear a feb.
Dr. Spaceman: Excellent.

Dr. Spaceman: My god Jenna are you pregnant? How?! Did you go swimming in a public pool?

Jenna: I got in my head about having a baby and now I’m having an hysterical pregnancy.
Dr. Spaceman: We’ll that’s redundant, all pregnancies are hysterical. They’re started by penises.

Kenneth: You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution or a woman’s right to choose her haircut.

Dennis: I have a new business idea. It’s like Netflix but you go to a store and you pick out your video from a limited selection.
Liz: It would be like 5 years ago.

Dennis: You don’t have a pen? You’re a writer, Liz. All I have is this kick ass laser pointer that I point at nerds’ crotches in the park. Oh wait, all we have is this kick ass laser pointer.

Jack: Is that what we’re wearing in 10 years.
Future Jack: More like 35 years.
Jack: You’re 87 years old? My god I’m outstanding.

Future Jack: I came all the way from the future, which is a lot harder than coming from the past.
Past Jack: Whatever, pops.

Sideways Jack: If you chose my path you’ll be plenty happy. You’ll spear head GE’s development of the electric vagina. You won’t be married but you’ll have a house with a lot of glass and it’s cold. And you’ll own the Buffalo Bills.

Jack: Jacksonville? Her hair can’t handle that humidity.

Jack: I’m tired of saving her.
Future Jack: To quote Liz Lemon, Opposite! You’ll be saving yourself.

Future Jack: Ok. We’re obviously all thinking it so I’m just going to say it, we’re going to have sex with each other, right?

Dennis: Just sign it, dummy, it’s just a receipt for some les pants you bought at whatever.

Jack: I will fight you, Dennis.
Dennis: That wouldn’t be very fair. I’m only trained to fight 4 or more men at time.
Jack: There are three more of me upstairs and I’ll be happy to go get them.
Dennis: I can’t I hurt my wrist.

Tom: Someone sabotaged the gas line. People could have died. Or had fights.
Dennis: What, who would do that?! Hey, grab that black guy!

Liz: If I ever see you again, I’ll kill you!

Liz: Oh my god the show. I got to load in the audience I have to distribute scripts. I have to change Jenna’s blood.

Jack: Where is the star of your show?
Jenna: Right here. I know you were talking about Tracy but I don’t care.

Hank Hooper: Why couldn’t you be a mother and do a daytime talk show?
Jenna: Well because the talk show would be my baby. I’m not going to be held back by some uterus turd. Let’s call my agent.

Tracy: Don’t startle me when I’m holding a gun. Use your head, Liz Lemon.

Jack: Do TV. No one will ever take you seriously again. Doesn’t matter how big a movie star you are. Even if you had the kind of career where walked away from a block buster franchise, or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins. Made important movies about things like Civil Rights or Pearl Harbor. Stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You could win every award in sight. You can be the biggest thing on the small screen and you’ll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear.

Jack: Shut up Garkle!

Brian Williams: Well if it isn’t Jack and Kenneth and Tracy and Liz. Hey I have a bone to pick with the four of you.
Liz: Screw Williams!

Bum: Get out of my home!
Liz: Sorry recurring hobos!

Blue Dude: Guys, I don’t know about this.

Danny: Let’s meet our contestant. Dr. Stephen Poop is a home maker and a centaur…

Tom Hanks: Hold on Tracy’s back on TV again? [Picks up Red Phone] Clooney, Hanks, actor emergency. Tracy Jordan’s doing TV again. I know, disappointing. Take him off the A-List. Well I don’t have the password, Pitt’s our webmaster. Well then wake him up.

Liz: This may be the gas talking but I was wrong about Dennis. You’re the guy who never left.
Jack: And this is definitely the gas talking, but I’d be a lot worse off if I never met you Lemon.

Jack: I’m proud to have you as a mentee. I mean, look at you endangering the lives of hundreds of people for a show TV Guide once called “still on.”
Liz: I framed that article.

Jack: To 100 more episodes.

Kenneth: Today does make me wonder where we’ll all be 5 years from now.
[Graveyard]
Tracy Jordan – Father, Husband, Diabetic, Alcoholic, Hero – Born sometime in 1970? – Died March 17, 2016
Jenna Maroney – Born February 24, 1969 – Died March 17, 2016
Kenneth Ellen Parcell – March 27, 1781 – March 31, 2016

Ratings: 4.595 Million Viewers. 2.7/5 Share. 2.2/6 in the Demo.

«5.19 – I Heart Connecticut

5.21 – Everything Sunny All The Time Always»