Originally Aired: April 28, 2011

Written by: Kay Cannon & Matt Hubbard
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary: LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) IS DETERMINED TO FIX THE PROBLEMS IN HER PERSONAL LIFE.

Liz (Fey) realizes that she needs to take control of her personal life by fixing up her dream apartment, but she encounters an obstacle along the way. Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) has his own problems to deal with when Avery (guest star Banks) is held hostage. Elsewhere, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) finds out that Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), Dotcom (Kevin Brown) and Grizz (Grizz Chapman) have bonded in his absence.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Fan Rating: 4.149 out of 5.0

Quotes:

Jack: When she’s ready Dr. Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He’s a very good pediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.

Avery: Oh come on she’ll fall back asleep.
Jack: No call back tomorrow she has baby-nomics at 11:00.

Liz: Tracy could have cleaned up before he left. And why did he leave all this soda here?
Jenna: What are you doing? That’s his urine.
Liz: He’s not well.

Liz: Someday this is going to be a kick ass duplex like in Different Strokes.
Jenna: Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men’s room.

Liz: Comence a estudiar these but then yo gave up.

Liz: Here’s the novel I never finished.
Jenna: Hmm… [reading]Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly…

Jenna: Ever since I started Secreting, I’ve become a TV star, I found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.

Liz: The only way to make things happen in the real world is by taking action.
Jenna: Oh I’ve taken action, it dries your mouth out but the sex is amazing.
Liz: No I’m talking about taking control, like I do every day at work. I found Tracy, I saved the show, I always think of a 3^rd thing when I’m listing stuff.
Jenna: If tacking control is so great then how do you explain your personal life? I mean look at the post it on your sweater.
Post-It: DO NO WEAR AGAIN WITHOUT WASHING!!!

Jenna: Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I’m fluent. “Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I’ll have your son deported. Oh wait. I found my necklace.”

Liz: Great news Jack, I have a new life philosophy that I call Lizbeanism.

Liz: Lizbeanism means that I’m a dike… against the rising waters of mediocrity.

Jack: I’m impressed Lemon, you’re talking like a winner. I’m going give you one of my neckties.
Liz: This is a big moment for me.

Jack: You’re taking control of your destiny. No matter how straight the gate or charged with punishment the scroll. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
Liz: That’s from Invictus. Wait who’s the white guy in that?

Jack: Avery’s been traveling a lot as part of NBC News’ Hot Blonds in weird places initiative.

Jack: Frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
Liz: Be careful, according to The Secret it will come true.
Jack: I wish Liz Lemon would leave so I could go back to work.
Liz: Oh wait what’s pulling me. I want to stay here and keep boring Jack.

Dot Com: Tracy welcome back. I think I speak for all of us when I saw how thrilled…
Tracy: Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dot Com.

Kenneth: It feels so good to have the Three Musketeers and Dot Com back again.

Tracy: I can have inside jokes that you’re not a part of. For example Hot Feet, or Ask Melissa about it.

Tracy: Smooth move Furguson is not funny to me. So it is forbidden.

Tracy: Next order if business, Grizz’s DVD reviews for this weekend.
Grizz: You wouldn’t expect a movie called “Somewhere” to go nowhere.

Montage Song: [Liz singing] Sometimes, we use a song to move the story along and explain it to you. Cause Liz is taking charge. She’s in control of everything she do. Getting her personal life hey nah nah. In her personal life. Here comes a story obstacle now.

Liz: What’s that? Tony there’s a bag in that tree and its right out of the window of my soon to be perfect life apartment.
Doorman: If you’re not in the building I don’t have to talk to you.

Avery: [Wearing Reagan mask] Who’s ready for Skype sex?

Nanny: You people have too much money.

Avery: I don’t know why our daughter would be afraid of Reagan.
Jack: Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?

Jack: Bring back some throwing stars for Liddy.

Avery: [Seductively in Reagan mask] So do you want to watch me eat jelly beans? Real slow?
Jack: Yes.

Tracy: We are going to recreate all the events surrounding Smooth Move Ferguson. Maybe then we can get on with our lives.

Jonathan: You need to see this even if it ruins whatever you had for secretaries day like a poem you wrote for me or whatever.

Anchor: We go now to a pre-taped statement super crazy Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.
Kim Jong Il: People of North Korea, it is your dear leader Kim Jong Il, worlds greatest golfer and movie director and best man at Tom Brady’s wedding.

Kim Jong Il: As we all know the decadent Western journalist spy, Laura Ling left us because she can’t party as hard as we can. I know right? But now another American reporter have come to North Korea because it’s awesome and we have enough food. Her name is Avery Jessup and like me, her hair is blond.

Anchor: It’s never too early to plan your dog’s Halloween costume.

Jack: I told her to stay. I didn’t want her at home. This is my fault.
Jonathan: Sir if you say one more syllable, that’s a haiku.
Jack: Leave.

Liz: I’m not afraid of you, City Hall, let’s do this. [Goes into City hall]
Liz: [Comes out a second later] Don’t go in there! Run citizen!

Jack: Look Boehner we’re all upset. I mean it’s my wife. John stop crying.

Liz: Jack I have a bag stuck in a tree outside my apartment and I can’t get it down. And I don’t know why it’s making me so crazy.

Jack: I’m facing a similar situation myself.
Liz: Lay it on my. Two way street.
Jack: Avery has been kidnapped by Kim Jong Il.
Liz: What? Why? Is she a spy? Oh my god I already know too much!

Jack: Kim Jong Il runs a vast propaganda machine. Evidentially his latest insane idea is to bring in a Western journalist to report on how the free world is being conquered by North Korea.
Avery: And in food news, you’ve had enough to eat today. Now here with the weather
Kim Jong Il: North Korea, Everything sunny all the time always, good time beach party, back to you Avery.

Liz: You have to call President Clinton. He got Lisa Ling’s sister out of North Korea.
Jack: President Inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can’t forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
Liz: She’s much too thin.

Jack: I never should have broken up with Condi via text message.
Liz: You broke up with Condoleezza Rice with a text.
Jack: Me + You = Frowny face.

Jack: I’m going to solve this, just like you are going to solve your equally important bag in a tree situation.

Tracy: [Pounds gavel] Now that I’ve killed that bug I’d like to call this Smooth Move Ferguson recreation meeting to order.

Tracy: Get a rain machine! Here, take my credit card. Use it to break into a special effects warehouse to steal one.

Kenneth: There are some things we can’t control. We don’t remember what we were wearing, Dot Com was sick.
Tracy: Security, Dot Com licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney was here screaming at Mr. Rossitano, later that day she got a hair cut.
Jenna: Aw, thank you.

Tracy: J Mo. How long would it take for your hair to grow back?
Jenna: It depends do you have access to horse semen?
Tracy: You know I do.
Jenna: Give me three weeks.
Tracy: Then we’ll reconvene in 3 weeks. Oh my god what happened to my bug?

Liz: Stupid grabbling hook, can’t catch on little bag.

Liz: Think I’m giving up? Did I give up when that squirrel I trained to retrieve you ran away? You will not win Mr. Bag.
Bag: But Liz, I already have.

Bag: Even your dream apartment can’t protect you from death. I’m not ruining your view. I’m reminding you of your mortality. Because I’ll be here long after you’re gone, the wind rustling against my genitals. That’s right. Bags have gentiles.
Liz: You don’t know me.
Bag: Go ahead buy nest end tables. Paint an accent wall. I’ll watch the EMTs take you out in my cousin. A body bag.

Tracy: K-9! Operation Ferguson status report.
Kenneth: Rain, check. Room temperature, check. Ms. Maroney’s hair length, check.
Jenna: Do you like it, if you say no I’ll drown myself.

Tracy: Was Dot Com standing that gay?
Kenneth: Uh no sir he was not.

Anchor: Today denying reports that Jessup Donaghy is anchoring a fake Western news channel calling the accusations quote “as ridiculous as the dunk Kim Jong Il won the NBA dunk contest with.”

Tracy: Hey what’s my boy KJ doing on TV?
Frank: What? That’s Kim Jong Il.
Tracy: Yeah we did a movie together that he directed and co stared in.
[Movie]
Tracy: Death to the CIA! Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
Kim Jong Il: I defuse bomb black partner. Asta la vista baby.

Frank: Dude I think you did a North Korean propaganda movie.
Tracy: It was either that or play a rapping door man in a Kate Hudson movie.
Frank: Oh ok.

Jack: Obviously I’m concerned about my wife and wonder what she’s going through. Please hold nothing back.
Tracy: Ok but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong Il sometimes shoots in the close up too much. Comedy lives in the wideshot. And also this is going to be rough, but his acting notes are often vague.

Avery: For the past 3 weeks I have been honored to partake in a political reeducation regimen. I have voluntarily taken several floggings for being an ignorant American.
Jack: That’s ok. She’s tough. We do a lot of pirate themed sexual role play. I’m a parrot.
Avery: Also I spend 8 hours a day breaking concrete blocks to learn to be an obedient worker.
Jack: No problem she pays $1000 and hour to do that with her trainer.
Avery: And I have concluded that capitalism may be flawed.
Jack: My god! What are those monsters doing to her?!

Condi: Well look what the cat dragged in.
Jack: Hello, Condi, you’re looking well
Condi: You know I’ve been to the DMZ. They have signs, can she not read?

Condi: So what is it, is she funnier than I am. She’s certainly not younger, is she?

Jack: I’m sorry that I broke up with you by text. I’m sorry that I went drinking with Karl Rove on Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry I said your favorite movie was lame.
Condi: Mars Attacks is awesome. Now admit I’m better at the piano then you are at the flute.
Jack: Never.

Jack: Alright damn it! You are better:
Condi: I’ll see what I can do Jack, now get out of here before this gets weird.
Jack: [Turning to leave] You’re the turkey.

Liz: You know what, Mr. Bag? I will have a nice day. I’m going to put you in my kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!

Policeman: Don’t think I won’t taze you, alright? I’ve got OCD and I love doing paperwork.

Avery: Jack! Oh thank god! I forgot the US country code but then I remembered it’s #1.
Jack: How are you calling me?
Avery: Nobody here’s ever seen an iPhone. I told them it’s my razor. I have to shave my legs with it and they have an ap for that.

Avery: It’s nobody fault. Except maybe that pansy Harry Truman for not taking down this country when he had the chance.

Avery: They actually love me here. I already won a North Korean emmy. So if I don’t make it home…
Jack: Avery don’t say that. I spoke to Condoleezza…
Avery: Really? Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister.

Jack: I’m sure her battery died right after I finished that speech… like I wanted it to.

Tracy: You were fine without me. You laughed without me! And that was our special thing! But no you thought Smooth Move Ferguson was so hilarious!
Kenneth: It wasn’t! It wasn’t funny! There are you happy!

Kenneth: Smooth Move Ferguson was just trying to fill a void because Mr. Slatery’s political cartoons weren’t cutting it.
Dot Com: I can’t draw hands.

Kenneth: You’re the one who makes us laugh, don’t ever go away again.
Tracy: [Cries] Don’t ever tell me what to do. Quad hug, me in the middle. Also due to a paperwork mix up you will not be getting paid this month.

Liz: I got the bag. You were right no matter how much the gate is straight or who punishes the scrolls I am captain of my holes or whatever.

Jack: Condi tried but Avery + Freedom = Frowny Face.

Jack: Avery is now married to Kim Jong Il’s son. Kim Jong Un.

Liz: No! Mortality!

Kim Jong Il: Put that coffee down. Coffee for closer only. I’m here from Park and Kim. I’m here on mission of mercy.
[Black Board] Always Finish Business.
Kim Jong Il: You’re name Levene?
Tracy: Yeah.
Kim Jong Il: You call yourself a salesman you son of a bitch?
Tracy: I don’t have to listen to this.
Kim Jong Il: No you don’t cause the good news is you’re fired! Oh have I got your attention now.
Tracy: The leads are weak.
Kim Jong Il: The leads are weak? You’re weak! Luke I am your father. Ghostbusters. Let’s go black partner!

Ratings: 3.950 Million Viewers.  2.1/6 in the 18-49 Demo.

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5.23 – Respawn»