Originally Aired: January 12, 2012

Written by: Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary: BACK FROM THE HOLIDAYS, LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) HAS A NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE WHILE TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) IS JEALOUS OF JENNA’S (JANE KRAKOWSKI) NEW FAME AS A CELEBRITY JUDGE.
As everyone returns from holiday break, NBC’s new talent competition, “America’s Kidz Got Singing”, is a hit, but Jenna’s role as the judge everyone loves to hate causes Jack to question the show’s family value. Much to his chagrin, Tracy’s usual antics fail to aggravate Liz (Tina Fey), while Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) takes the day off to do his dream chores as he awaits the Rapture.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Fan Rating: 4.158 out of 5.0

Quotes:

Jenna: Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Godried’s neck? Because I have and his screams were the worst thing I’d ever heard, until tonight. Congratulations, you’re a disgrace.

Jack: 17 million people watched that show last night.
Liz: Not me. I’ve got better things to do than watch Jenna humiliate children.
Jack: So you don’t care that Shela made it to the next round?
Liz: How! ? She is so pitchy!

Jack: The audience just loves Shela’s personal story. Did you know that both her mothers are serial killers? That’s America.

Liz: So did you miss me over the break.
Jack: Of course, a little less than my kidnapped wife. But I did get a nice Christmas from Avery and Kim Jong Un.
Christmas Card: Death to US Imperalist Wolves and Happy Hanukkah.

Jack: At least I had some quality time with Liddy. She’s like a little human tumbler of scotch.
Liz: Are you turning soft on me Donaghy? If you want I can recommend a good gynecologist. Because I really like my guy. He’s sort of a Doogie Howser type, but younger.

Liz: Aren’t you going to ask me how my…
Jack: No I know exactly how your holidays were. You took the train to your parent’s house. On Christmas Eve you forgot eggnog has alcohol in it and got into a shoving match about who puts the star on top of the tree?
Liz: It was my year! What lupus lets you just cut the line.

Jack: Take off that jacket, if you’re not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters out of guilt I’ll give you $1000.
Liz: Wrong jack, because they weren’t sweaters. [unzips her jacket] They were dickies! Happy 2012!

Kenneth: Good morning, Mr. Rossitano! I’m sorry you’re going to hell.

Kenneth: I get to go to heaven and receive my reward: 72 virgin…margaritas. Hold the salt.

Kenneth: I’m sorry I won’t be seeing you in heaven Mr. Spurlock. But on the bright side, black hell does have a jukebox.

Pete: So you think this is your last day on earth?
Kenneth: Oh I’ll leave the thinking to other religions

Kenneth: Is the sky blue? Until tomorrow when it will be on fire.

Liz: I came across the following quote on the side of a tampon box this Christmas. Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching. Enjoy these Satchel Paige brand tampons.

Liz: Maybe I’m in a good mood because I’m not being weighed down by redundant torso fabric.
Pete: What does that mean?
Liz: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Jenna: Amazing news, Liz. I made the People’s Magazine’s crossword. One across. 5 letters. Jenna Maroney’s first name.

Jenna: When you google “Jenna Maroney” now, I come up first. Not that Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
Liz: Jenna, that was you.

Tracy: This has nothing to do with Jenna’s success that I’m jealous of. But if that yellow haired bag of teeth keeps me waiting for rehearsal, I’ll set my dressing room on fire!

Liz: You know what I’m not doing this.
Tracy: But I’m acting out!

Liz: You’re a 42 year old man.
Tracy: No I’m not. I took a real age test. Said I’m dead.

Jack: You want to watch today’s Kidz taping? We’re kicking off Public Domain Week. This week Americas Kids sing really old songs that everybody knows and NBC doesn’t have to pay for it.

Jack: This thing is a real cash cow. Unike Cash Cow, the NBC spinoff of Cash Cab. You try ridding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.

Liz: I’m wondering why I received an email confirming my membership in a dating service called Desperationships.com?

Jack: What if I told your first match burned his groin off in an accident at his cake shop?
Liz: [Gasps]… … no. Not interested.

Jenna: I’m going to interrupt you right there, Liddy. Terrible song selection. You were sharp. And I’m about to get raw with you. You’re weird looking, Liddy. Even if you could sing, with that face it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster.

Jenna: Here’s my advice, Liddy. Go work on your presentation. Take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel and fall off a waterfall.

Jenna: Sebastian I’m going to give you a few options… Liddy, go jump back up your mother. Liddy, go jump back up your mother. Go jump back up your mother, Liddy. Yeah I liked the third one for me and her crying on the second.

Kenneth: I’m finally doing my dream chores.
Pete: Give me that. [Takes list] Scrape sticker off ceiling. Fix that humming noise only I can hear. Arrange snack table by food Jewishness.
Kenneth: That’s why they’re dream chores.

Pete: If it was my last day on earth I wouldn’t be here. I’d be with Paula, admitting I’m in love with her twin sister.

Toofer: Kenneth, we were just on the plaza and four flaming horses rode by.
Kenneth: Reverend Gary says super gay horses are signs of the apocalypse!
Frank: Exactly, the end is nigh. You should raise your hopes up even higher than they are now!
Kenneth: I will… I DID!

Tracy: I just remembered I started a camp for under privileged kids last summer. We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive.
Liz: That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy.
Tracy: Ok how about this: I’m changing my name. From now everyone has to address me as the gentleman formerly known as rectum.
Liz: [laughs]

Tracy: You’re not doing your job. You’re laughing at rectum jokes. You’re leaving early. Did we switch brains? Why am I not feeling your boobs?
Liz: [Grabs her boobs] blah!
Tracy: What is happening?!

Jenna: Did you see last night’s ratings?! The only show I’ve ever been on that got a 10/2 is when Mickey Rourke through me on the field during the Super Bowl.

Jenna: I had an idea. Two words: BB Gun.

Jack: I haven’t seen such a unanimously negative response since the Fraiser Spinoff, Hey Roz!

Jack: Perhaps we can make even more money by pretending to be nice. Look at Betty White.

Jenna: Look, according to Tracy people are switching minds around here. That’s obviously what’s happened. So whoever you are… show me Jack’s penis.

Kenneth: Well enjoy it while you can because tomorrow you’re going to Women’s Hello. Also, FYI, Women’s hell is the same as aroused dog’s heaven.

Kenneth: You know what, I have seen the ocean, on a can of tuna.

Pete: News flash, Kenneth!
Kenneth: Everybody get down!

Pete: You know what, in the words of my father “You deserve to be disappointed. Merry Christmas.”

Jenna: Tracy, how do nice people dress?
Tracy: Socks on their hands, no belt, rollerskates.

Tracy: She’s hiding something from us.
Jenna: Like what? A present for me? Can I return it for cash?
Tracy: No this is bigger than that. Something like a sex change operation, or a secret pregnancy, or a radioactive spider bite. I got to get her focus back on me or who knows the dumb stuff I’m going to start doing!
Jenna: Is that why you’re not wearing pants right now?

Jenna: Brock… I… like what you did. That was good singing. You…don’t have a little rat face, you opposite of a turd with eyes.

D’Fawn: I will not go back to putting hair extensions on dogs!

Jenna: It’s not working, you’re running the show.
Jack: You think I don’t know it’s not working, Jenna? Next week JayZ was going to do a duet with one of the spinning chairs from The Voice, and the chair just pulled out!

Kenneth: You’re at work before Ms. Lemon. Now that’s a sign of the apocalypse.

Kenneth: Time to die!

Jenna: You know what Emma, that was pretty good. You were trying to get my to commit suicide right?

Jack: Liddy, thank you for coming in. I know you have to read your books with Sleepy Bear in half an hour so I’ll make this brief.

Jack: I don’t know if you’ve seen America’s Kidz got Singing. But it’s a hit. Variety called it “Boffo” and that’s a word they don’t throw around lightly.

Jack: What are you doing Liddy? Are you touching my had because… you’re a baby and your developing your fine motor skills? Or are you’re trying to tell me something?
Liddy: Mommy (Money).
Jack: Did you say Money?! Is that your first word? Money?

Jack: Are you telling me that money’s more important than doing’s what right? That I should continue doing the show?
Liddy: I want Money/Mommy.
Jack: I want money too!

Reverend Gary: Just think how disappointed I am! I’m the one who had to nude baptize all those teens.

Pete: Everybody in the van!

Tracy: Liz Lemon is a crack whore!
Jack: Probably not, but continue.

Tracy: She went down to Penn Station. And not the fun stationary store on the Upper East Side. The skeezy one with trains.

Jack: Are you sure it was Liz Lemon and not present day Sally Field?

Tracy: I know it’s crazy but ever since we got back from Kwanza… … … she’s been acting all weird.

Jack: It has been two days and she hasn’t once stormed in here harping about how all the destructive hurricanes get female names.

Jack: This is dexaprex. My mother takes it for joint pain. Her wrists were starting to bother her from slapping bus boys.
Tracy: So it’s not the bandito blanco? A name for cocaine I just made up.

Jack: Tracy, what building is right next to Penn Station?
Tracy: The Manhattan Center for penis enlargement… … I know cause my friend goes there. His name is Tracy.

Song: Every person dance soon!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the WMBAs most popular dance team, the Timeless Torches!

Tracy: Oh god! So much grape vining!

Kenneth: It’s so beautiful! A mermaid!
Frank: Dude those are diapers.

Jack: That’s why you’ve been so happy and distracted lately. The joy of movement, exercise and 10% off area snacks with your Torch card.

Jack: Going to the movies. Let me guess, you’re going alone to the 9:10 showing of Gary Marshall’s New Year’s Eve. You’ve waited five week to see it to make sure you weren’t contributing to it being the number 1 movie in America. You’ll say you’re seeing it ironically, and yet you’ll tear up when Ashton Kutcher kissed Lea Michelle.
Liz: You know me I love it when the swarthy girl gets the guy.

Jenna: A disgusting disappointment.

Bob: My name is Bob. I’m 61 years old. My favorite move is the shoulder shake.
Joyce: My name is Joyce, I’m 63 years young. My favorite move is the Dougie.
Liz: I’m Liz. I’m 39 for the third time. And my favorite moves is sunset arms.
Louis: Hi I’m Louis. I’m a grandfather from the Domincan Republic and my favorite move is the lift.
Liz: [Tries to life Louis] Sorry Louis.
Louis: Nice try, Liz.

Ratings: 1.8/5 in the 18-49 Demo. 4.47 Million Viewers.

«5.23 – Respawn

6.02 – Idiots Are People Two!»