Originally Aired: January 19, 2012

Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary: LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) TRIES TO KEEP HER BOYFRIEND’S IDENTITY A SECRET FROM JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) WHILE SCRAMBLING TO FIX A PUBLICITY MESS. KELSEY GRAMMER GUEST STARS.
Drama erupts at TGS when a cell phone video leaks onto the web with Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) on an offensive rant. Liz (Tina Fey) tries to do damage control. Meanwhile, Jack’s refusal to approve of Liz’s new boyfriend causes her to question the validity of her relationship. Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) and Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) call on Kelsey Grammer when a problem arises that only the Best Friends Gang can handle.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Fan Rating:

Quotes:

Jenna: Kenneth, I need a light bulb replaced in my dressing room.
Kenneth: Well easy as pie Ms. Maroney, what could go wrong? Why did I even say that? [They laugh]

Criss: Whatever happened to Tivo. Remember when you’d fast forward and it’d make that sound. [Tivo boops]

Liz: It’s Terry! The general neutral doll I had when I was a kid. And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of gentiles!
Criss: That was hard to track down. Today almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

Criss: Happy 3 month anniversary. And happy 2 week anniversary of you going to the bathroom while I’m here.
Liz: You shouldn’t be buying me gifts. You should be saving for your business.
Criss: Oh I think remembering our anniversary will get my some business!

Criss: Why don’t go you in late today? I’ll make pancakes with M&Ms in them.
Liz: Fine I’ll stay!
Criss: Alright you want a smiley face?
Liz: German flag, please!

Ann Curry: …Jordan’s comments have angered gay rights groups and are likely annoying his coworkers who thought they’d linger over breakfast this morning, perhaps with a new lover.
Liz: Wow that is some detailed reporting, Curry.

Sign: I’M NOT GAY! /Gay meaning “Happy” Sorry if that’s confusing/

Protester: When I say NBC, you say “Over it!”

Protester: Wow look at that old bag from TGS.
Liz: Ok, I am a human being, sir!

Liz: Do you think I’m pulling this hat off?
Protesters: No!

Pete: We’re losing sponsors, Liz. Did you know that the Snuggles the fabric softener bear is gay?! He’s dating the Charmin cub. I thought they were babies!

Liz: Unbelievable, Tracy. Do you know how many of your hardworking and dedicated co-workers are gay. [Points out the hallway.] Him. Him. Her when she’s drunk.
[Sees Lutz]
Liz: I genuinely don’t know.
Tracy: That one’s a puzzler.

Liz: Why did you have offend the gay community? They are the most organized of all communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.
Tracy: How is what I said offensive, and that’s not?
Liz: Because nobody heard me say it!

Liz: I need to know what we’re apologizing for, Tray. What did you say?
[Flashback]
Tracy: Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants. If I got turned into a gay I’ll sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Liz: First of all “if you got turned into a gay?!” Do you think the good people of Raleigh North Carolina turned Clay Aiken gay?
Tracy: Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic?

Tracy: I already called Glad, Ms. Lemon.
[Flashback]
Diane: Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic. This is Diane, how may I help you.
Tracy: Hey Diane, it’s Tracy Jordan. I’m sorry about what I said.
Diane: Well okeydokey.

Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out!

Liz: Well Tracy I know you don’t want me writing an apology for you…
Tracy: That’s terrific, thank you.

Jack: I’ve decided that you and I should become friends with benefits.
Liz: No thank you, please.
Jack: Ah ha! The only reason you would reject that offer is if you had a secret boyfriend!
Liz: Right. That is the only reason.

Jack: What’s his name?
Liz: I don’t want to tell you.
Jack: Why? Is it a stupid name like “Dakota” or “Barak”?
Liz: His name is Criss, and I’m sorry, but…
Jack: And “Chris is spelled?”
Liz: No H and 2 Ss.

Liz: He’s an entrepreneur. He’s currently meeting with investors in the hopes of starting an organic gourmet hot dog truck.
Jack: Lemon, I have said “Good God!” to you before, but I don’t I’ve ever meant it until now. GOOD GOD!

Jack: Where does this person live?
Liz: Don’t worry about it.
Jack: How bad can it be? Jersey City? His parents’ apartment? It’s not a walk up is it?
Liz: He’s actually been living with me for the past month.

Liz: I’m more relaxed around him, my jaw stopped popping. Listen.

Jack: The fact that you thought you had to keep Chris, and I am saying his name WITH and H and ONE S…

Liz: I’m ignoring you, you’re not here. Who’s not here, Liz? I don’t know, Liz. I love you. I love you too.

Jack: I’ll probably love him. After all we’re both Princeton men.
Liz: Princeton? No Criss went to… No! I am on to you!

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, I’m afraid I have bad news…
Jenna: Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing because I’m just hearing about it.

Kenneth: Mr. Subhas is refusing to do any work for TGS until Mr. Jordan apologizes for his remarks. He also says that he thinks “sexuality is a continuum and he is but a voyager on the vast ocean of pleasure.”

Jenna: I’m officially a B-list celebrity thanks to America’s Kidz Got Singing!
Kenneth: Oh congratulations, Ms. Maroney!
Jenna: I just found out this morning. Terri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home.

Jenna: What if some tour came by and some fanny pack fatty took a picture of my in my poorly lit dressing room?
[Steps into dressing room turns into Kenneth]
Jenna: And then they put the picture on the internet. That can’t happen.

Jenna: Kenneth, do this for me. Someone I hope you think of as a friend. And who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave monkey.

Kenneth: But I don’t have a key.
Jenna: You think you need a key? I guess someone’s never been locked in a dog crate and thrown overboard for displeasing the sheik.

Liz: I got to get a real headshot.

Liz: And now I’m heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, did you just call me an idiot on this TV?!

Tracy: How dare you? I’m nonplused. And that is the correct usage.

Pete: Time to go into Hornberger criss mode.
Toofer: Is that when you cry on the floor in your office?
Pete: No I do that when I see myself in the mirror on my birthday.

Jenna: Picking a lock is just like riding a bike. They’re both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons equipment room.

Kenneth: If Mr. Subhas finds us in here I don’t even know what he’ll say. Because I can’t understand him.

Jenna: There! My pink florescents. They’re the same ones poultry farms use to keep the birds from pecking each other to death.

Jenna: Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Kenneth: Florescent lights contain mercury. That’s poisonous!
Jenna: I’m well aware of that, Kenneth. I faked mercury poisoning to get out of my contract with Trivial Pursuit the musical.

Jenna: I’m going to tell you what I told Phil Specter. [Slaps him] It’s going to be ok, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone’s the wiser. Then we can continue to record my album.

Criss: I think I saw Billy Dee Williams down in Riverside Park this morning while I was meeting dogs.
Jack in Liz’s Head: Now that seems like a good use of time for a busy entrepreneur. Hello, Lemon. Chew with your mouth closed.

Criss: So question about Lando Calrissian: Is that an Armenian name? Is he a space Armenian? The Kardashians are Armenian, they’re into black guys. Maybe there’s something to it.
Jack in Liz’s Head: I like how his voice goes up at the ends of sentences. That’s very… masculine.

Jack in Liz’s Head: Oh my Is that a tan line on Criss’s thumb? Did Criss used to wear a thumb ring? [Ghosts his wallet] Oh better hold on to this one. He’s getting a free muffin soon. Wow I’ve never seen a Sunglass Hut credit card before. Oh a ukulele with an Obama sticker on it. [Sings] This guy might suck.

Liz: You going to put on pants today?
Criss: Eh.

Idiots Sign: This Marker Smell Good. I Haz Protest! Non’s Bnsult Cdiots!

Tracy: We’re here. We’re proud. I came up with this rhyme!

Tracy: The so called idiot community will not be silence. We are legion. We are America. Frat guys, DJs, Loudmouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp stamped, parrot heads, anti vaccination crusaders, and people who wont shut up about SCUBA diving.
Diver: It’s a whole other world down there.

Denise Richards: That’s right. I’m an idiot. Surprised? Well I am. For all intensive purposes.

Tracy: We will be out here every day, misremembering movie quotes. Because as Braveheart said “You can take our freedom, unless you take our lives!”

Jack: Am I in your head, Lemon?
Liz: Yes, but don’t be so proud. I also have a lot of imaginary arguments with the couples on House Hunters. Why can’t people look past paint color?!

Jack: Well I guess this is a Catch 22, but I don’t know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Jack: I do expect a note of apology. And don’t try to make it funny, just apologize.
Liz: Well I feel like people expect comedy.
Jack: They don’t. It’s exhausting.

Jack: It’s very frustrating to watch someone I care about do something she clearly knows is bad for her. Like that week you wore those blue contact lenses.
Liz: I looked like Adriana Lima!

Jack: You are technically an adult. You can do whatever you want.
Liz: So really? I won? With the train thing?

Jack: We need idiots. You certainly need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show?
Liz: Funky taste makers?
Jack: [Pull out pie chart] Black nerds. (BN) Jet Blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on. (JBPWFAWTVO) Pets who’s owners have died. (PWOHD) And Idiots. (I {12-49}) You need to fix this.
Liz: I don’t know what to say to these people.
Jack: You wrote “remember to DVR Kendra” on your hand. I think you can handle it.
Liz: Oh no! Damn it! Now I have to pray for a marathon!

Kenneth: Jiminy Cricket! Copyright Walt Disney Co. 1940!

Jenna: Pete! It’s Jenna! The woman you’re in love with!

Jenna: Is this because of the mercury? What does it the box say?!
Kenneth: For complete catalogue of our lighting products visit our website!

Jenna: Imagine what the internet would do with this. Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin… again!

Jenna: I have too much to lose now. I’m this close to becoming the spokeswoman for the vagina mesh industry. Vaginal Mesh. Nice try prolapse.

Jenna: If anyone connects you to this…
Kenneth: I’d get fired. They kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy similes.

Kenneth: What do we do?!
Jenna: I don’t know. But I know someone who does. [Picks up phone.]
Kelsey Grammer: Talk to me. I’m on my way. Any idea what bus I take to get there? Cause I’m in Chinatown baby!

Tracy: Hi this is Tracy’s cell phone. Dot Com hold the steering wheel I got to leave my outgoing message. [Crash noise] What did I hit? Is that a person?! Is that paint or blood?! Dot Com, this did not happen! We take this to our grave! [Beep]
Liz: Tracy, uh this is Liz. Please call my office. My extension as you have pointed out spells Anis with an I.

Criss: I called Sunglass Hut, got my credit limit raised to $80. Plus they told me I need 5,000 more shade points to get free lens wipes.

Criss: I got an investor for the truck. I went over my whole business plan. I got ten grand.
Liz: Oh my god! Ok if you got it in cash
Criss: Damn it! No it’s a check.
Check: John Francis Donaghy. Memo: I used your bathroom.

Ratings: 4.05 Million Viewers. 1.6/4 in the 18-49 Demo.

«6.01 – Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

6.03 – Idiots Are People Three!»