6.03 – Idiots Are People Three!
Originally Aired: January 26, 2012
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller
Summary: JACK DONAGHY’S (ALEC BALDWIN) NEMESIS, DEVIN BANKS (GUEST STAR WILL ARNETT), RETURNS WITH BLACKMAIL. KELSEY GRAMMER, JAMES MARSDEN AND DENISE RICHARDS ALSO GUEST STAR.
Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) challenges Liz (Tina Fey) by leading his own protest in defense of idiots everywhere. Jack (Alec Baldwin) faces off with Devin Banks (Will Arnett) yet again, but still finds time to interfere with Liz’s relationship by giving Criss (James Marsden) an ultimatum.
Promotional Pictures: High Quality!
Fan Rating:
Quotes:
Jack: They’re still mad? We sent Elton and David a honey baked ham. What more do they want?
Criss: How fresh is that dog? Yesterday that was the face, feet and colon of a pig.
Liz: It’s not me, it’s him! I didn’t want him to lecture me about how you don’t have a job and how your name is spelled wrong, or how you went to Wesleyan.
Criss: Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut.
Liz: Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.
Criss: You had that locked and loaded.
Criss: Like you’re so perfect.
Liz: Let’s not do this.
Criss: You don’t say “Cholesterol correctly.”
Liz: Chloresterol.
Criss: You’re a 41 year old woman who cheats at board games. You don’t use tab closures on cereal boxes.
Liz: If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness you are living in a fantasy world, pal.
Criss: Forget it. This is a good day, Liz. I’m going to be in the park meditating. What would Jack say about that?
Liz: He’d say “Good god, Lemon.”
Criss: Locked and loaded…
Liz: [Jack voice] Good god, Lemon.
Jack: I’ll have you know the last man who wore jeans in this office was named Theodore Wrangler.
Devon: Do you know what comes up on my phone when you call. [Shirtless picture of young Jack.]
Jack: Where did you get that? The only copy of that photograph is in Stephanie Seymour’s safety deposit box.
Jack: The news cycle is done with Tracy. They’ve moved on to a story about teenagers huffing other teenagers.
Jack: Tracy’s apology has been accepted by GLAAD and I don’t even know what organization you’re here representing.
Devon: We’re new. We’re called Peen.
Jack: And what is that an acronym for?
Devon: Acronym?
Devon: That little Tracy Jordan gem that I leaked last night was just the tip of the iceberg. And NBC is the Titanic.
Jack: The highest grossing movie of all time?
Devon: The boat! Not the movie! The boat!
Devon: Is this the one about how Asians act in the subway? I know I almost threw up the first time I heard it. Oh this one’s fun. Starts off as a joke about our first Mexican president… and ends up as just a rank against women.
Devon: I’ve given up trying to beat you in the boardroom. But there are still things I can make you do.
Jack: Alright you can watch me in the shower but no touching.
Devon: No touching just makes it hotter.
Devon: I want you to get triplets into preschool…at St. Matthew’s.
Jack: Banks. That’s impossible. Just last year they rejected one of St. Matthew’s actual descendants.
Devon: I know. I heard that during her interview she turned the class hamster into a dove. Good luck.
Kelsey: Pick up the mercury with the tape. Bag it and seal the bags. We’ll drive everything out to the meadow lands and roll the car into a swamp. We should take two calls.
Kelsey: You didn’t tell me he was alive!
Jenna: Well of course he is. Pete’s our friend, Kelsey.
Kelsey: Damn it! No names!
Jenna: We don’t want him to die. But more importantly, we don’t want to be blamed for what happened to him.
Kelsey: It’s been five hours since he pressed and elevator button.
Kelsey Grammer IS Abraham Lincoln. Free show! Mandatory!
Tracy: Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI…we should change that.
Denise Richards: It’s fine.
Liz: I’ve been calling your cell all day.
Tracy: My ring tone is the Chicken dance. If I answer it I won’t hear the whole song.
Tracy: Is there anything you’d like to add?
Denise Richards: These microphones look like black ice cream cones.
Tracy: Thank you all for coming out.
Jack: You can’t tear up my checksm Criss. They’re printed on Nixon’s old bedsheets.
Criss: I don’t understand your relationship with Liz.
Jack: She’s my Subordafriend.
Jack: You’re not going to want to hear this, but I am officially disapproving of you.
Criss: I’m sorry, but I really don’t care what you think.
Jack: That’s not how things work around here, Criss-ss.
Liz: You said you won’t ask any more questions about Criss.
Jack: I said I wouldn’t ask you any more questions.
Liz: Ugh! Semantics!
Liz: You had no right to come to my home. To trick Criss to rearrange my bathroom?!
Jack: For the better.
Liz: Yes, the basket of shells was a nice touch.
Jack: I’m afraid I have bad news. I just told Criss that I am officially disapproving.
Criss: I’m sorry, is this guy breaking up with me?
Jack: Of course you and Criss can still be friends.
Criss: Ok Liz, I guess you’ve got a choice to make. You can listen to Jack, we can call it quits and I go back to sleeping on the floor of my uncles mattress store…
Criss: Of course I pick you, Criss. If you would just address… some of the issues that we as a group have been talking about.
Jack: Well I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued…
Jack: So then he says, teeth down there!?
Devon: Haha! Good one, Jack! Tell ya, friendship is the one kind of ship that never sinks!
Man: Did you know that I’m also on the board of the Manhattan Hospital for Rich Whites and Disseminated Jews?
Jack: Kathy are you ready to come out now? [Takes box off her head] There she is!
Jack: And that’s why I’m so thrilled to introduce NBC’s new mascot, Magellica the unicorn.
Devon: It’s wonderous!
Jack: Indeed. Back to you, Thomas.
Thomas: Ok. We now return to our coverage of that train derailment in California.
Denise Richards: Us idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nucular psychiatrist in a James Bong movie.
Liz: What do I need to do to make this go away?
Tracy: I want you to call my phone so I can hear the Chicken Dance again.
Denise Richards: And I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week.
[Music Video]
Denise: La Pascine. Ja dour la piscine. Towels, sunscreen, bathing suits. Davenports and towels. Those ladders. Towels.
Liz: Can you make it 60 minutes long? We’re short this week.
Denise Richards: I’ll try to cut it down…
Jenna: I couldn’t find a Lincoln hat. So I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead.
Kelsey : If anyone notices… we’re dead.
Devon: Who designed your bathroom? It’s exquisite.
Jack: I did you son of a bitch! I’m excellent at rearranging bathrooms.
Jack: Our new slogan, “NBC: We have a magical horse?” is testing…ok.
Devon: All the favors you’ve called in you would have used next year for little Lippy.
Jack: Liddy.
Devon: Is that even a name? In Brooklyn I know like six Lippys.
Devon: You just mortgaged your daughter’s future to get out of a little jam at work. My mommy and me group would really judge your parenting. Specially Lippys mother. Which Lippy? Lippy D.
Kelsey: Well hello there. Welcome to the White House…
Lutz: What’s with that hat?
Kenneth: Oh I think it looks very authentic!
Liz: [reading apology] Whaaazup! Yeah baby! I’m here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group people who made America the great… continent… that it is today. These kick ass people have given the world countless bodacious things. Like the Birther Movement. Intelligent Design. Water parks. No. I will not endorse water parks. They’re a cesspool of disase and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given to the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes. Cans that tell you how cold beer is. Florida. Bratz Dolls.
Tracy: Oh I get it. She’s naming awesome things.
Liz: No listen to me. Because of you there may be an Entourage movie.
Crowd: Turtle Turtle Turtle!
Liz: You should know better. But no, you’re just going to keep on riding motorcycles, having unprotected sex and voting again free healthcare. You will make the same destructive decisions over and over again and you’ll never be happy. And you’re jaw will hurt all the time.
Criss: Oh look at you little wiener dog. You just need a little mustard on you like that… and little buns like that!
Liz: No one will make you Deutch pancakes. Or smell of hotdog water and onion when you come home. Or let you break out of jail when you play Monopoly.
Denise Richards: Want to make out?
Tracy: No thank you.
Kelsey: Hot crowd. We only have a minute before I have to go back out there. Act 2 is a play within a play.
Kenneth: It’s funny, in school all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic.
Kelsey: I have to get back into character… HIT ME IN THE FACE!!
Tracy: You know what… I forgot to press a floor again.
Jack: In a lot of ways you and I have similar upbringings. Terrible schools, broken homes.
Tracy: Thinking basketball was the ticket out. Being wrong.
Jack: At some paths diverged. I went off to Princeton, business school, GE and beyond.
Tracy: And look at me. I spent all day creating a movement just to get back at Liz Lemon. Haha I said creating a movement.
Jack: The point is excellence can come from anywhere.
Tracy: Same with stupidity. In this country anyone can be the next Jack Donaghy. Or the next Denise Richards.
Denise Richards: [in elevator] This room… is moving.
Jack: Where did you go to school, Devon?
Devon: I had the best education in the world. Private Kindergarten where I got straight check marks. Experiential boarding school in Carmel where the students teach the students and the teachers teach animals. A year abroad on an all-male catamaran. Then on to Northwestern were I majored in confidence. I had every educational advantage, Jack. Just like my children will.
Jack: But I beat you.
Devon: What?
Jack: I beat you. I came from nothing, but I caught up and I crushed you. Just like Liddys going to crush your sons. She’s already sorting objects by shape and color.
Devon: At 11 months? I don’t think so.
Jack: She can count 10 if you say seven for her.
Devon: She gets 5 and 9?
Jack: She can say 5 words.
Devon: So?
Jack: … In Mandarin! They put her with the toddlers in singing and clapping class at fun factory.
Devon: She’s in orange group?
Jack: She’s already out of Piaget’s sensory motor stage.
Devon: That’s impossible.
Jack: She scored a 62 on the object permanence matrix.
Devon: But that’s an adult score.
Jack: And did I mention, she’s already suing the potty.
Devon: Surely just for wee wee.
Jack: See you in 30 years, Banks.
Jack: Alright. I’m putting you on probationary approval.
Criss: Ok I don’t really care.
Jack: If a poor boy from Boston can become me, then maybe you can become a suitable sex partner for Liz Lemon.
Pete: Kelsey Grammer! Kelsey Grammer did this to me!
Kelsey: Here’s to another successful operation by the Best Friends Gang!
Jenna: Hang on. I didn’t notice before with all the excitement. But I look incredibly beautiful!
Kenneth: The bulb wasn’t even broken? None of this was necessary! [They laugh]
Kelsey: I know I’ve been successfully assassinated. But I have one last thing to tell my country… Blackbeard’s gold is buried in…[dies] I am a ghost now. Leaving behind my earthly possessions.
Kelsey: I know that future generations will forge a stronger country. And that someday America will be a place…where everybody knows your name.
Ratings: 3.82 Million Viewers. 1.6/9 In the 18-49 Demo.
