Originally Aired: January 26, 2012

Written by: Matt Hubbard
Directed by: Jeff Richmond

Summary:

JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) TRIES TO IMPRESS HANK HOOPER (KEN HOWARD) WITH HIS COST-CUTTING TECHNIQUES BY ELIMINATING THE PAGE PROGRAM AND LIZ (TINA FEY) SEARCHES FOR A NEW BEST FRIEND. Liz (Tina Fey) is appalled when she finds out Jenna (Jane Krakowski) has betrayed their friendship for the sake of fame, so she goes on a mission to find a new best friend. Tracy (Tracy Morgan) contemplates mortality as Dotcom (Kevin Brown) and Grizz (Grizz Chapman) scramble to show him that life is still worth living. Meanwhile Jack is humiliated when a “businessversary” gift meant for Hank is sent to the wrong floor.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Fan Rating: 4.209 out of 5.0

Quotes:

Andy Samberg: What? Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day?
Emma Stone: Yeah and neither of us have dates.
Andy: Too bad we’re just platonic friends.

Emma: In the words of Martin Luther King, I just gotta go for it.

Nick Cannon: You’re a white supremacist?!
Jenna: All I want is one extraordinary moment.
Nick Cannon: Sounds like you have a dream.

Trailer: Somewhere between black and white! … is love and stuff. Martin Luther King Day. Got MLK? (Rated NW. Not Written.)

Jack: Lemon, I’m sorry but Jenna has become a huge star for this network. She’s bigger than Maulik Pancholy on Whitney.

Liz: A couple months ago she cut off my pony tail because she was jealous of the attention I was getting… on my own birthday.

Jack: But, and I will never say this again, you have a unique power.
Liz: Besides the greatest power of all. The ability to gestate life?
Jack: Of course, Lemon, that’s why the president is always a new mom.

Liz: I like to keep boss Liz and Friend Liz separate because Boss Liz is all “Paperwork paperwork!” but Friend Liz is like “My feet hurt, I’m staying in tonight.”

Jack: I was in Washington yesterday reviewing satellite images of Avery in North Korea. For what it’s worth, CIA analysts have confirmed she’s keeping it tight.

Jack: I learned the house shut down its page program with texting and email. A multibillion dollar system of pleasure slaves it no longer needed.

Liz: We need the pages, especially Kenneth. He uh… well he uh… He always scratches that weird part of my back I can’t reach. Unless… Oh that’s the business! Now who’s in charge winter dryness!?

Jack: He’s difficult to read. Much like that memoir Reagan wrote the week before he died. It’s uh…scattered.

Liz: Now I think we’re talking about your thing. You tricked me!

Tracy: Wait what is this? Give to charity. Please no present?
Dot Com: Yeah that’s what you told me to put on the card.
Tracy: No Dot Com! I said “Give to charity? Please no. Presents!”

Dot Com: You already have everything. I mean you just bought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s bones and he’s not even dead!

Jenna: Sure I love light chit chat. Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my Kabalaist?

Liz: What are those?!
Jenna: Leeches. They’re good for your skin. And I’ve lost tons of blood weight.

Liz: Remember the pact we made back in Chicago?
[Flashback]
Jenna: Liz, if I become famous will you tell me if I start acting weird.
Liz: Definitely. And will you do the same for me?
Jenna: [laughs] You famous? That’s hilarious.

Flyer: Are you there God, it’s me, Improv?

Jenna: Demi Moore does it. Plus it makes PETA furious. And if PETA doesn’t love you or hate you, you’re a nobody. Like a soldier or a teacher.

Jenna: You know with my fecalist in jail I can eat whatever I today. Maybe we could go to Outback.
Liz: I’m going to call ahead and make sure we’re in Daryl’s section.

Tracy: Who am I? What does it all mean?
Dot Com: Tracy I hate seeing you like this. Sitting in here listening to your depressed thoughts CD?

Tracy: Do you remember Celia’s bakery in the Bronx? It was on the corner of Malcolm X Boulevard and Guy who shot Malcolm X Boulevard?

Dot Com: I wanted for nothing as a child, but that brings its own challenges.
Tracy: Shut up, Dot Com.

Dot Com: Hang on Tray, you’ve got a family.
Tracy: Great! Another think I’ve already got! Thanks for making this situation worse.

Jenna: Should we get another one?
Liz: If you eat four you get a t-shirt. So one more and that’s two t-shirts.

Jenna: It’s like I’m in a cage. And not the fun kind where you dance while USC football recruits throw hot coins at you.

Liz: [Pretending to be Jenna] Naturally. Always. I’m from Tampa Florida!
PETA: Leech abuser!

Jenna: Nice try PETA Bitches!

Jenna: Make sure you get the Outback sign in the shot or I don’t get paid.

Jack: I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is I’m shutting down the page program. The good news is for a different group of people.

Kenneth: You’re just going to automate us? Excuse me sir but this reminds me of the tale of John Henry. [sings] Now gather round friends I’ve got…
Jack: We all know about John Henry, Kenneth. It’s just a story.
Kenneth: Well then I know about another story that turned out to be true. It’s about a virgin who gave birth to a man who had some funny ideas. That virgin was my sister. And her son Lyle has a learning disability.

Jenna: I couldn’t be photographed with paint on my, I’d look like you right now

Liz: How did I even become friends with someone like you?
Jenna: If I remember correctly, Elizabeth, we became friends because I felt bad for you standing alone at that party like a looser.
Liz: Yeah because I really wanted to talk to their girl who was wrestling in the kiddie pool full of lube.
Jenna: Well what were you even doing at that bachelor party?
Liz: Derek thought I was a guy and I didn’t want to ruin what was happening between us.

Liz: Guess what? The back of your neck does look weird.
Jenna: Why would you say that? You know I can’t see it!

Jenna: I have real friends now! Celebrity friends who understand what I’m going through. You see Charlie from Charlie bit my finger and Knob Kardashian just texted me.

Liz: Well I have a new bestie too. Her name is something cool like Sam and she does web design, maybe, and I haven’t met her yet.

Liz: Look out, New York. Liz Lemon is 41, covered in red paint and looking for a new best friend!

Kenneth: Think of all the famous people who started out as pages! Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy…

Kenneth: Who will give the NBC tours? No machine could replace
[Cut to machine]
Jack: We’re calling it not Kenneth.
Kenneth: It’s hard not to take that personally.

Kenneth: Why Jack, why?
Not Kenneth: Why Jack Why is a 2002 episode of Will & Grace in which Jack (Sean Hayes) chooses between two YMCA featuring guest star…
Kenneth: Daniel Day Lewis as gay bench press guy!

Liz: Hey Sue, what are you up to tonight?
Sue: I’m not working late again! Why don’t you write the show yourself? You take all the credit anyway! I hope you dream of your death!
Liz: I just wondering if you wanted to go to a movie.
Sue: Oh I cant… I have to… work late.

Jack: Hey Hank. I didn’t think I was going to see you until dinner tonight.
Hank: Whatever. I don’t even know if I’m coming.

Hank: I bought this company a year ago today. Now maybe I’m old fashioned but where I come from anniversaries mean something.
Jack: Of course I remembered our businessversary. I sent a gift.
Hank: Oh really? Was it invisible?!

Hank: I drove all the way up from Philadelphia listening to Garrison Keillor and just getting psyched for a fun day.

Liz: Hey how does an adult make new friends?

Not Kenneth: TGS is a popular sketch show known for its popular characters like… Error. Error. Error. Error.

Jack: Stop! Nerds, stop! Stop what you are doing immediately. Toofer put that glass down, that scotch fountain was obviously not meant for you. Philly Phenatic, get away form him.

Philly Phanatic: Please help me. I’m an undersea king. I must prevent my daughter’s marriage to the squid lord.

Jack: None of this was meant for you. That should have been obvious since a gift for me would suggest you’re producing good work. Which, let me be clear, you are not.
[Cut to sketch]
Jenna: Lance Edo! You’re out of order!
Tracy: Line!
[Wall falls]

Liz: Well somebody made a mistake. A dumb mistake. And it wasn’t the Pages and it wasn’t the computer…
Frank: Ha! It was Jack! Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes. He’s just like us.
Lutz: He’s not better than I am. He’s just got a suit!
Jack: No no! I am better than you, Lutz.

Toofer: You look scared. Like Lutz on an elevator.

Jenna: I called the Paps service, they sent Lester. Nobody uses him.
Charlie: Ugh, I’d like to bite his finger.

Liz: Oh no you went there. Man do my feet hurt in heels sometimes. And other things that women talk about.
“Samantha”: Can we help you?
Liz: I’m sorry, I’m just trying to make a new best firend.

Liz: How did you guys meet each other?
“Carrie”: We were at Karaoke. And we all picked the same song. And when the song was called, we all went up. And everyone was like “what?” And then we were like “WHAT YOU WANT! BABY I GOT IT!”
Liz: Shut up! That’s horrible!

Liz: Where does Liz Lemon go when she’s out on the town? To the Barnes & Noble bathroom!
Amy: Occupied, god!
Liz: I know it is! [quietly] By my new best friend.

Hank: That Jenna Maroney sure is a hoot. I didn’t much care for Mr. Socko. In my day, socks just kept their mouth shut.

Hank: Are these two very ill children saying you messed up the delivery?

Frank: Hey we all make mistakes, like farting when you’re talking to three people.

Hank: A mistake a man does like going to war without a reason or executing a simpleton. What Jack did was a whoopsie daisy like a baby or a women would do.

Jack: It wasn’t me it was the machines! Tell them it wasn’t my fault!
Not Kenneth: My Fault. A short lived NBC game show where homeless people win money by admitting to crimes.

Jack: Damn you!
Not Kenneth: Dam U. A beaver goes to college in this 1987 animated…

Amy: Ugh I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie was based on.
Liz: Let me imagine what Peeta Melark looks like and now his arms smell of bread.

Liz: I don’t trust sushi, Mexican give me gas, and I already had a Blooming Onion today.
Amy: Me too. Also Ethiopian is out because I don’t want to see a man with a beard eat with his hands. And nothing family style.
Liz: Ugh, why is family a selling point? Look at the state of the American family.
Amy: Not something we’ll ever have to worry about at our age.

Liz: I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain but I didn’t read the article.
Amy: You didn’t have time, our lives are half over.
Liz: Our mothers lied to us!

[Biker goes by]
Liz: A bike is a vehicle!
Amy: You can’t ride a bike on the sidewalk!

Liz: Hanging out with me is awful.

Liz: No you’re supposed to be so vacant and self-absorbed that you let me vent without piling it on. I need Jenna!
Amy: I need Stephy!

Dot Com: I found something for you to live for.
Tracy: I already have a room full of black women.

Celia: We’re all sleeping with Carl cause he has the most puzzles.

Tracy: I was very upset when you put no presents on my invitations.
Dot Com: That’s what this was about? Why didn’t you just tell us in the dressing room?
Tracy: Because showing is better than telling. And my schedule was light this week.

Jenna: I need someone who has so little going on in her life she lets me get all the attention.
Liz: And I need someone in my life who doesn’t listen to a word I say.
Jenna: Thank you, I just got it cut!

Jack: I was wrong. I do need you.
Kenneth: You had me at “I was wrong, I do need.”

Jack: No machine can ever be the human wastebasket I dump my stupid mistakes into.
Kenneth: Dump, sir. Dump all over me!
Jack: You thumb with a wig!

Hank: Good job, Jack. Blame it on an albino. Classic, cause it works.

Tracy: I can never replace you guys. I love you, presents!

Ratings: 3.98 Million Viewers. 1.9/5 in the 18-48 Demo.

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6.05 – Today You Are a Man»