Originally Aired: February 9, 2012

Written by: Kay Cannon
Directed by: Michael Engler

Summary:

VALENTINE’S DAY FEVER HITS TGS. MARY STEENBURGEN GUEST STARS.
Criss (James Marsden) and Liz (Tina Fey) decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but they need to buy a dining room table first. Jack (Alec Baldwin) entertains his mother-in-law, Diana (Mary Steenburgen), as Jenna (Jane Krakowski) frantically looks to Pete (Scott Adsit) to fill in last-minute as the producer of her first live performance on “America’s Kidz Got Singing.” Back at the office, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Frank (Judah Friedlander) try to help Lutz (John Lutz) find someone to spend Valentine’s with.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Fan Rating: 4.145 out of 5.0.

Quotes:

Criss: Liz! There’s someone in the apartment! [sings] Someone who thinks you’re special, in every single way. Who wrote this song to wish you, a happy Valentine’s Day. And the chorus goes here. Yeah this is where the chorus goooooes. Didn’t have time to write it. But the chorus goes here. Yeah This is the chorus!

Liz: I really don’t care about Valentines?
Criss: But you’re a lady… right? Why haven’t I seen pictures of you as a baby?

Liz: You know what I like to celebrate on February 14^th? The 1920 founding of the league of women’s voters in Chicago, Illinois. Interesting fact they were supposed to meet on the 13^th but they all got lost.

Criss: I will make you dinner at home, mashed potatoes in a martini glass. We’ll open some wine didn’t give the Super for Christmas because you decided that would come off as racist.
Liz: Oh I’m glad we gave them those GED books instead.
Criss: We’re gonna use real silverware, we’ll light some candles, we’ll play the soundtrack to Major League.
Liz: You’re making fun of me but that love song is awesome.

Liz: Chris you need to know what you’re up against here. I’m an 0 for 40 on Valentines Days.
[Flashbacks]
Liz: Will you be my Valentine?
Boy: I just realized I’m gay.

Criss: We’ll you know for thousands of years Japanese dinners have used traditional mats…
Liz: [Growls.]
Criss: Ok we’ll get a real table.

Jack: In Avery’s absence I have extra time each day to uh…how do I put this? Release some energy.
Liz: Are we talking something gross?
Jack: My animus has become pent up.
Liz: Well then just come out and say you haven’t had mommy daddy sheet monster times.
Jack: I’m not about to cheat on the woman I love and I’ve never mommy-daddy-sheetmonstered myself.
Liz: Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?

Liz: Sorry you’re alone, I certainly know what it’s like to have a crummy Valentine’s Day.
[Flashback]
Dennis: We’re not going to Chili’s until I hit one. [Misses] Go tell the guy the machines not fast enough.

Jack: I would kill to be hit in the crotch by a baseball today.

Jack: My mother in law has decided to visit.
Liz: Oh no I’ve never had a mother-in-law but I have seen Everybody Loves Raymond. “Deborah where’s the figurine I gave you. Raymond I gave Deborah a figurine. Maaaa!

Liz: What is she, an Egyptian crocodile? Because she’s in denial. I’ve had two coffees today.

Kenneth: Hazel most people think of Valentine’s Day as the celebration of the burning of a Catholic loud mouth. But it’s also about love.
Hazel: And escort prices going way up.

Hazel: I’ve had a desk before. I managed a haunted house upstate. But as you know the haunted house industry is a real boys club. Sure it’s hard, changing careers at my age.
Kenneth: Well I wouldn’t know anything about being too old for something.

Jenna: Hazel right? It’s so great to have a woman page here…
Hazel: Thanks!
Jenna: …To test unapproved Japanese medications on. [Shoves pill in mouth] Swallow. Swallow. Good girl! Now let me know if all your pubic hair falls out.
Hazel: Go my god!
Jenna: Oh no that’s what it’s supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn’t cause seizures.

Jenna: Sorry to crash this sausage party.
Liz: Unnecessary.
Jenna: Sebastian, the producer of America’s Kidz Got Singing, ODed last night in Guy Fieri’s apartment.

Pete: Paula didn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s so she’s just going to dinner with her tennis instructor, Mark.

Jenna: I’m having Sebastian’s lucky earing sent from the morgue. Wear it.

Liz: So you’re not spending tonight with Paul?
Jenna: No Paul’s been performing on a transvestite cruise for the last month. It’s called Caribbean Queens (No More Love on the Run). Billy Ocean is furious and very litigious. But he’s powerless as long as they stay on international waters.

Liz: Since you asked, Criss and I are going to IKEA.
Jenna: For hate sex after your fight? Good idea.

Frank: You’re gonna fight. IKEAs where I used to go to pick up newly single vulnerable chicks. I’ve gotten women 2, 3 points hotter than me. You know, 4s.

Liz: If Criss thinks he’s the guy to get Liz Lemon on board with St. Lamentine’s Nay!
Jenna: Oh honey, that sucks.

Jenna: No Liz, don’t test it, especially this early in a relationship. It’s like when Mickey Rourke tested his catapult on me.

Jenna: Oh thank you Kenneth. We’ll take a pube count, but it doesn’t feel worth it.

Jack: I should not have walked past that sporting goods store where the mannequins have nipples. And what race were the mannequins because their skin was grey. They were like faceless sex aliens.

Diana: Oh yes I dropped my bags off and shook hands with the baby.

Jack: According to your Christmas letter Avery is in Asia on business. You know she was kidnapped by the North Korean secret police.
Diana: Don’t be vulgar. As we said in the letter she’ll be back soon with some charming Asian ceramics.
Jack: I’m sorry but who is this “we” you keep referring to? Your husband has been dead for 15 years.
Diana: Wonderful news. You know our pacing horse, Squanto? She’s foaling in the spring.

Jack: Extracting an American from North Korea is a lot more difficult than organizing a round robin paddle tennis tournament.
Diana: What about organizing three round robin paddle tennis tournaments?
Jack: I heard that one of them was a disaster.
Diana: Who told you that? Bebe Butler!? Oh she’s trying to destroy me!

Jack: Let me stop you right there. I’ve been to the union, repeatedly.
[Flashbacks]
Jack: Mein freau Avery Jessup.
Jack: Click Click Kim Jeon Un. Click Click. Charlieze Thereon.
Jack: Boomerand Marshellia back to her Joey, Mate.

Jack: The UN is a useless organization with a ridiculous army. Robin eggs blue helmets? Great camouflage if you’re in an Easter egg hunt.

Diana: I find you catch more flies with honey.
Jack: First of all, why do you want flies?

Criss: Wow that ferry ride was the first time we’ve ever been on a boat together. Unless you count the time the goose chased you into the Central Park boat pond.

Liz: We’re going to get out and have an amazing night together! Oh no I just got my period.

Frank: Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It’s scumbag Christmas.

Frank: Guys like us have to pick low hanging fruit. We look life Far Side drawings.

Tracy: Let’s prepare for the Adventure of a lifetime! Then after we watch “Fifle Goes West” we’re gonna get you some action.

Jenna: It’s not some rinky dink late night show that some bald idiot produces.

Jenna: After spending all season ripping cute kids new ones, everyone wants me to fail.

Billy Bush: Tomorrow night on America’s Kidz Got Singing, the judge becomes the opposite of a judge. Come one guys, a little effort. Jenna Maroney singing live and all of America’s just waiting for that [bleep] to get [bleep] over and over and over again with a [bleep]. Nice bleeping sorry about earlier.

Jenna: Listen up if tonight isn’t a Jiamph which is short for Jenna triumph, it’s on you. Like all celebrities, I’m very good at shifting blame. I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.

Jack: 14:30? You do know this office is in America right? Do you see a 14 on my watch?
Secretary: Yes. It’s the date. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Jack: Haha that’s cute. And what insolvent country do you come from?
Secretary: New Jersey. I’m just a weirdo.

Jack: Avery loved a good fight. She used to call the cable company and dispute our bill just for the sport of it. She wouldn’t stand for this dog and pony show.
Diana: I’ve organized several dog and pony shows, none of them did what you’re implying.

Jack: Maybe we sit quietly and read our… uh… soccer magazine. [Cover KICKENFUN!]

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan’s lizard, Jeremy is always escaping and biting everyone. Like owner, like lizard.

Hazel: Oh my god my face! He’s mating with my mouth!

Tracy: Here’s a good one. Go to a strip club on Father’s Day and shout things like “I’m proud of you!”

Jenna: Where’s Pete? I just died my gums because I want them to pop on camera. But now their burning.

Frank: Another way to meet damaged women is to hang out with actresses.
Jenna: Actresses? Where? How young are they? I’ll do nudity.

Jenna: You know a great place to meet vulnerable women is Weight Watchers. I did Watchers to stay pageant fit but it was too much math for a six year old. Good thing I found cigarettes.

Tracy: Whatever. Jeremy says she’s a tease anyways.

IKEA Employee: Silence, prisoner! I mean can I help you valued customer.

Criss: Look salt and pepper shakers you put them together it’s a heart.
Liz: Take them apart and you’ve got two red sperm. We’re not getting them.

C. Cjokula: First things first. I am from Transylvania but I am not a vampire. I’m just a night owl with a terrible garlic allergy. So this is about that boy that went missing in my castle?

C. Cjokula: I need to speak to Kim Jong Un immediately! That is unacceptable! I understand. [Hangs up phone] The operator wouldn’t let me dial long distance.

Diana: [Slaps Cjokula] Oh does that hurt. Well I’m so sorry. Well that is just the beginning you… Penis!

Diana: So why the fudge isn’t everyone fudging freaking the fudge out!
Jack: She’s right. You are a penis!

C. Cjokula: I’m going to call security. One of the guys has a whistle.

C. Cjokula: Vampire Push.

Jack: I am a very powerful woman. I can see to it that Transylvania never sees another episode of Friends.
C. Cjokula: No! Monica and Chandler just slept together in London. I…I’m sorry.
Jack: Alright now admit the UN is useless.
C. Cjokula: It is! Half the building is a laser tag arena.
Diana: Admit it’s annoying when Bono comes around.
C. Cjokula: Oh it’s the worst! Everytime he says he’s not hungry when we collect money for pizza then he eats like three slices.
Jack: Oh you disgust me. Oh and Cjokula. And Monica and Chandler’s wedding, Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant!

Criss: It’s just that this table feels kind of uptight. And I think something a little more fun would be a better table for me.
Liz: I don’t know Criss, maybe a more fun table wouldn’t be so supportive. No no we are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship! That’s what IKEA wants us to do.

Man: I’m not sure if the chair wants to be this table.
Woman: Right because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs.
Man: Wow I think the table needs to stop listening to its mother.
Woman: It’s just that the table thinks the chair takes too many camping trips with Richard.

Jenna: Pete, I have made love to Alfonso. He can’t keep rhythm get him out of here.
Pete: That’s a wrap on Alfonso!

Jack: You were wonderful. The way your eyes went dead like Avery’s. I didn’t know you had it in you.
Diana: Yosemite Sam was based on my Grandfather, so yes I do have a temper.

Diana: There are a lot of thing you don’t know about me, Jack. In 1978 I was in Playboy just wearing a bowtie and holding hands with a black girl.

Jack: Those incredible cheek bones like an evil Disney queen.

Diana: I am sorry I compared you to my late husband. You are not some liver spotted old man constantly spilling hot tea in his lap until his old crotch was useless! Useless! You are young you are virile, your hair like a lions mane.
Jack: My eyes like two pools of icewater.

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