Originally Aired: February 16, 2012

Written by: Josh Siegal & Dylan Morgan
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary: JACK IS MUGGED AND DECIDES TO RUN FOR MAYOR, WHILE JENNA AND PAUL (GUEST STAR WILL FORTE) REACH A NEW LEVEL IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.Fed up with New York City after being mugged, Jack sets out to protect the safety of the city’s elite by announcing his run for mayor. Meanwhile, Liz revels in sacrificing the good of the city to look out for her own interests, and Jenna and Paul are thrilled by the perversion of acting like a normal couple.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Fan Rating: 4.614 out of 5.0.

Quotes:

Jack: 5^th Avenue was closed for a joint pain Walk-a-thon. It’s only 4 blocks but they are so slow.

Liz: Am I the last one in this city still following the rules of being a person?

Woman: [singing] Three bucks, two bags, one me. Say, where does a young prostitute get started in this town?

Jack: Lemon, we live in the world capital of culture, finance and King Kong attacks.

Liz: No New York is a testament to man’s selfishness. I quote “She is a thug in a cocktail dress.” Alex McCord, Real Housewives of New York.

Liz: I don’t know if Sonya’s every going to finish that toaster oven cook book, but if she does, I’m going to buy it!

Liz: I can actually feel myself getting sick. Am I the only one who saw Obama’s press conference on how to sneeze. [Sneezes Jesus image]

Kenneth: The gym said the odors was attacking bugs that were attracting bats that were attracting bat hawks. Oh also the gym is closing.

Liz: I actually care how my behavior affects other people. Unlike the dbag who let the elevator door close on me this morning.
Pete: It was funny because you were so mad.

Kenneth: When I move on to my new job I’m sure going to miss you two and your whole Sam and Diane thing. Sam and Diane were the lesbian couple in my building who murdered each other.

Jenna: It’s in my contract that I only play blondes, non-Irish redheads or bald sex robots.

Jenna: Have Liz do it. She already has the frown lines. There. There they are. How funny I was just talking about them and there they are.

Liz: Without people like me, civil society collapses completely.
Jenna: Oh don’t be so dramatic. That’s my thing. And if you take it away from me, I will kill myself, and then you.

Tracy: I won an Oscar so now I get to do real art. Begin “Snow Dogs” phase.

Liz: I shouldn’t hug you, I’m sick. This lamp is you. Ow! Hot!

Liz: Ok I got in trouble the last time I said this but, maybe you were asking for it dressed like that.

Jack: I wasn’t wearing a tuxedo at the time. The mugger took my cufflinks and all I have here are tuxedo cufflinks. And I’m not about to wear them with a suit… I’d look like an idiot.

Tracy: Give me the bad news, how black was this dude? On the scale from Lisa Bonet to Dot Com.

Jack: My assailant was a middle aged white wearing a button down shirt and Dockers. Dockers. Not some drug addict or gang aficionado. His knife was from Eddie Bauer.

Jack: How could we pay their salaries without using their money?

Liz: You getting mugged just proves what I said on the phone. New York is a selfish filth monster and eventually it gets all of us. It’s Ghostbusters 2 all over again.
Jack: No my getting mugged was New York doing what she does best; calling a great man to action. It’s the original Ghostbusters all over again!

Liz: It’s like JayZ says. Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up. There’s nothing you can do.

Cerie: What’s a commercial?

Liz: Is that brain? Hopefully it’s not an important parg of my blurn.

Jenna: Paul’s finally coming home tonight and his sexpectations will be high.

Liz: Maybe I should wear this home. Show Criss what he’ll be looking in 40 years. Looser skin. Same underwear.

Liz: Pete can I have a car home tonight. I’m old and very sick. And there’s a Monk rerun on. Sorry I’m losing my voice. There’s a Monk rerun on.
Pete: I can’t order you a car unless it’s after nine or you have a note from your killer.

Len: So you got mugged, huh Mr. Donaghy? And you caught the guy who did this. Good for you.
Jack: Oh no, Len. Tracy is helping me with this.
Tracy: But I can see how you went there. I have a criminal skull shape.

Jack: Commissioner Kelly and I are friends. We have competing columns in Irish Arguments Weekly. America’s only all caps magazine.

Len: I was part of a special task force of very young looking cops who infiltrated high schools.
[Flashback]
Len: How do you do fellow kids?
Girl: What?

Len: I’m not embarrassed I get all my outfits at Ann Taylor Loft. Their clothes fit my body and my budget.

Tracy: We have no choice but to take matters into our own hands!
Jack: I agree!
Tracy: You do? Oh no!

Liz: If I sneeze I’ll do it like the President taught me.

Liz: I’m pregnant with a kitty cat. Those are my popsicles!

Jenna: I’m wearing an edible nightgown. It’s breadstick flavored and it comes with a dipping sauce.

Paul: Yawns are contagious, like all tiny STDs my penis is about to give you.

Paul: Give me five minutes then I’ll unpack… the sex monkey I bought in Jakarta.

Paul: Did we mix up our days and accidently roofie each other?
Jenna: Or did we just fall asleep?
Paul: Like a boring normal sitcom couple? Like Mr. Brady and Tiger the dog?

Jenna: I think we found another level of sexuality. It’s a whole new fetish called normaling.
Paul: So last night I napped on you and you liked it you sick bitch!
Jenna: Oh yeah I put that afghan all over you because I thought your feet might get chilly.
Paul: So chilly.
Jenna: Oh I just had the sickest idea. We go out as a couple to Bed Bath and Beyond and shop for home accessories…in front of everyone.
Paul: Normaling in public? You delicious whore!

Jack: Really, Trump? My idea is stupid? Well you make your hair every morning by sticking your head in a cotton candy machine!

Jack: Even Tommy Hillfiger turned me down. And you’d think that he’d of all people would understand how quickly the lower class can ruin something.

Liz: I used to be like you, thinking I could make the city follow my rules. I told off line cutters and movie theater talkers. For what did anyone cheer me or name a sandwich after me? That would maybe turkey, pastrami, swiss, Russian dressing, coleslaw and potato chips?

Jack: I’ll remind New York of what she once was.
Tracy: Yes! A native American paradise.

Jack: I hereby officially announce my candidacy for the office of Mayor of the City of New York. Vote Jack Donaghy. Slogan to come.

Paul: What we’re doing is sick, right? How many times have you climaxed?
Jenna: Zero.
Paul: Me too.

Tracy: Good news for you campaign I’ve got a huge list of voter names. Do you know anyone who wants to be called Daryl Wennis?

Jack: I just registered domain name for my campaign website Jackdonaghyisrunningformayor2013newyorkthisisthewebsite.com It’s as close as I could get everything else was already porn.

Kenneth: Just for fun I also got you these goofy water balloons my mom’s friend Ron always used to send me out to buy.
Jack: Thank you, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I know they’re condoms.

Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is prefect.

Tracy: All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions.

Tracy: Then I’m going to say to you what I say to all my sharks right before they die “Let’s go outside.”

Liz: Jenna, I have a friend…
Jenna: Yeah well I have a million friends. I get so many birthday cards it’s embarrassing.

Jenna: He and I are on a whole new level. This morning Paul and I signed up for Zip Car. Now it’s easier to get to Costco to stock up on cereal.

Liz: Lee, I need the old lady wig again. Oh and get me that coat that Tracy’s dog threw up on.

Kenneth: You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Kenneth: But you’re sick.
Liz: I am sick. Sick like a fox. I’m going to clear out that whole theater and watch a sneak peek of the Hunger Games by myself. It will be my greatest triumph. There’s a Q&A afterwards with… the screenwriter, ugh.

Liz: There’s only one rule now, Kenneth. Plastic cups go in the top row of the dishwasher so they don’t melt. Otherwise there are no rules.

Liz: Well well, if it isn’t the Tuxedo himself.

Jack: You look even closer to death than usual.

Jack: Is that you’re gym bag? Aren’t you a human woman?

Jack: Will you take something for that cough already?
Liz: I’d rather see if it gets better on it’s own. Do you want me to go on my antibiotic rant? It’s endless. You’ll beg for death.

Jack: There’s a war going on out there. And you’re going to have to pick a side. I have always wanted to say that and I can’t believe I wasted it on you.

Jack: Someone’s going to stop you. New York is going to stop you.
Liz: The only Liz would have agreed with you, but that was two days ago. Now I don’t cross lines. I just make them disappear.

Jenna: I’ve always imagined this kind of thing would make me want to tear my hair out and rip my skin off, but doing this with you feels as natural as…
Paul: Having someone tear your hair out and rip your skin off.

Jenna: Ok we’ll both say what we’re thinking on count of three. One. Two…
Paul & Jenna: Sexual walkabout. We spend the next three months alone doing every depraved thing we can think of with as many people as we can. And if this, right now, is still the happiest we can make ourselves, we’ll stay together forever!

Jack: Come on Donaghy, you’ve skied Mount St. Helen’s, made eye contact with Michelle Bachman, was trapped under a boulder for 128 hours! You’re not afraid of anything.

Jack: Thank you Lemon, you’re the only woman I could ever fight to regain my manhood.

Jenna: I’ll never forget the first time you dressed up like and old lady and I threw you into some garbage.

Jenna: New York City, villains and heroes. The 1 percent and the 99. 8 million people in this crazy beautiful city. And I, Jenna Maroney, are going to go to town on every last one of them.

Ratings: 3.59 Million Viewers. 1.5/4 in the 18-49 Demo.

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