6.09 – Leap Day
Originally Aired: February 23, 2012
Written by: Luke Del Tredici
Directed by: Steve Buscemi
Summary: THE “TGS” GANG CELEBRATES LEAP DAY. Jack learns that Leap Day is more than just an extra day to do business while Liz spends her first intercalary holiday helping Jenna seduce an Internet billionaire. Tracy rallies the writers to help him use a nearly expired Benihana gift card worth so much that it will take a Leap Day miracle to spend.
Promotional Pictures: High Quality
Fan Rating: 4.379 out of 5.0.
Thad: Liz! Liz Lemon! It’s me, Thad, from college! I’ve had my skin tags removed since then so you can see my eyes now.
Liz: Oh you ran the light board at the theater. Everyone called you… Thad. No nick name.
Liz: You are one age, going on another age, what’s going to happen next.
Liz: A lot of people didn’t realize that was the free unlicensed version.
Jenna: Hey Liz. New Blue tooth?
Liz: No I’m talking to someone.
Jenna: Oh. I’m sorry I don’t see people that look like that.
Liz: He was such a nerd. And that’s from someone who wrote lyrics to the Cantina Band plays in Star Wars.
Jenna: That was Thad Warmald the billionaire?
Liz: That was Sad Thad the Skin Tag Lad. Haha I coined that.
Jenna: That name has been all over the gold digger message boards recently. I don’t know a lot about business, but he did and internet and now the computers like him and Wall Street is Google.
Jenna: Liz I’m a sexual walk about right now. I need to know if anything can make me happier than being with Paul and maybe $200 billion will do it.
Liz: What! How much internet did he do!?
Lutz: Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot to what close to wear.
Lutz: You’re not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.
Liz: So what. Leap Day isn’t a thing.
[Walks into her Office]
Kenneth: [Singing and throwing candy] Leap Day William, Leap Day William bursting from the sea. Will he bring a bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me.
Kenneth: Why Leap Day William is visiting!
Liz: Leap Day William?
Kenneth: Ms. Lemon did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every 4 years to trade children’s tears for candy.
Frank: Where were you when we did this 4 years ago?
Liz: Certainly not on a Michaels Crafts crafting cruise.
Pete: A day to do the things you ordinarily wouldn’t do. To take chances. For instance I’m wearing a braided necklace with a shark’s tooth in it.
Toofer: I listened to rap music for the first time. Not a fan.
Liz: If he has a giant chandelier in his house I’m out. Those things fall.
Jack: Happy Leap Day, Lemon. Help yourself to some rhubarb.
Liz: Rubharb?! Is White Haven the only city in America that doesn’t celebrate leap day?
Jack: Oh it’s not such a big deal in Boston, either. Just a Leap Day William parade and a city wide ice maze. And we don’t poke you in the eye if you’re not wearing yellow and blue. We just stomp on your foot, kick you in the knee. Yankees’ suck go Pats.
Jack: I can’t believe the woman who watches all six Pawn shop reality shows has never seen the movie “Leap Dave Williams”
Liz: I’m sorry is “Leap Dave Williams” a play on “Leap Day William?”
Jack: It’s a classic. Uptight lawyer Dave Williams turns into the real Leap Day William after an ice fishing trip gone awry.
Wife: Dave, is everything all right?
Dave: I definitely don’t have gills. I mean nothing. I mean, yes!
Liz: Oh my god that’s what Criss kept quoting this morning during our love making.
Jack: Kenneth’s filling in. Gabe’s got the week off. He’s a Mormon. You know how they are about Leap Day.
Jack: Kable town is purchasing Xaro the 3D internet company.
Kenneth: It’ll be like those Bible quotes are right in your face.
Jack: Take off that bald cap, Kenneth, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Kenneth: Of course. Take off my bald cap. Not, put on my wig.
Jenna: Thad’s been in his little nerd world for so long, now he’s peeping out if his shell like a….um… What’s that animal? You know the one that crosses so slowly across the road. And then you swerve to make sure you hit in. And then car coming the other way swerves to avoid you and goes off a cliff. And then that night, you and your companion have the greatest sex of your lives because you’re sharing a secret?
Liz: It’s a turtle Jenna!
Tracy: My aquarium guy is coming to see about turning this whole room into an aquarium. Begging the questions, who’s really in the aquarium, the fish? Or us?
Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy would like to inform you that “Unfortunately due to the Obama worldwide recession there will not be any Leap Day bonuses this year. Mean laughter. Sound of a drink being poured. What are you writing now you slack jawed donkey.
Tracy: It’s just fan mail. I mean would you read a bunch of letters from people who look up to me?
Kenneth: A $50,000 Benihana gift card?
Tracy: Oh right I did and add and insisted on being paid in Beni Bucks.
Kenneth: Oh no sir. This card is only good though February 2012
Tracy: In any other year it’d be March already. But we found it today!
Kenneth: It’s a Leap Day miracle!
Tracy: Gentlemen. We have on day to eat $50,000 worth of Japanese food!
Tracy: It’s like I said in my cameo appearance in Leap Dave Williams, “Give me your wallet, old man.”
Kenneth: Careful, sir those leaves are poisonous. You know the saying. Rhubarb red, eat away. Rhubarb green, don’t eat them.
Jack: Kenneth, I’ve seen Newt Gingrich eat a plate of ribs. I think my stomach can handle some rhubarb leaves.
Kenneth: One of my birds is sick and I want to get home in time to baptize her.
Jack: Would you watch a television and I’m just spit-balling here, called Spitballs.
Kenneth: Sir, Rebecca Birdstein needs me.
Jack: Sherry, I’m afraid something’s come up at work and you’ll have to stay late with Liddy. Just dab some scotch on your neck and make your eyes the color of a winter crystal so she’ll think you’re me.
Thad: I have been in love with you since college…watching you every night on that stage. Realizing my dad was wrong, I do like girls.
Thad: I want you to take my virginity on Leap Night for 10 million dollars. Fine 20!
Liz: No, Thad, I…
Thad: Don’t answer yet, unless you were going to say yes.
Liz: No, you heard me say “no.”
Chef: Mr. Jordan you’ll never spend all this by midnight. You appeared in that ad for nothing.
Tracy: Well the jokes on you because that commercial never aired for unexplained reasons.
Tracy: Ah!! I just touched the table again! You go for help! I’ll just put my hea of the table for a second.
Tracy: Now let’s get started. Bring us a bottle of your finest wine.
Chef: Of course, Mr. Jordan. That will be $12.
Liz: Thad just Indecent Proposaled me. One night, $20,000,000.
Jenna: Oh my god. That’s the gold digger’s dream. Where is he?!
Dave: Honey, I’m about to do something pretty crazy!
Wife: You should. It’s Leap Day. Real life is for March.
Dave: Just hear me out! Cause if this doesn’t work…
Wife: Doesn’t matter. Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts
Liz: Criss, I’m about to do something pretty crazy.
Criss: You should it’s Leap Day. Real life is for March.
Jenna: Oh my, it looks like we’ve got a slut off on our hands.
Pete: Lutz’s shirt button popped off and hit Cerie.
Lutz: It counts as us touching.
Tracy: Everyone’s telling me not to get paid in gift cards. Angie, my lawyer, my imaginary friend, Dot Com.
Dot Com: Tray, I’m real. I moved your furniture.
Tracy: One Leap Day when I was a kid, the Harlem River froze and I decided to cross it, carrying my brick collection.
Dot Com: I told him not too.
Tracy: Nobody can hear you, Dot Com. Then I feel through the ice. They still don’t know who pulled me out.
Dot Com: I did. Charlie Rangle gave me a medal.
Tracy: I like to think it was Leap Day William.
Thad: Wow, you’re famous. I have screen grabs of all your nip slips.
Jenna: If you’re really going to do this, you better get a move on. Right now there are models waking up from their coke binges, multi-ethnic bartenders with daddy issues, former ballerinas who had to quit because their boobs got too big. They’re all going to hear about the horny billionaire and Thads going to forget all about his little crush. They’re coming, Liz. Click click. That’s their stilettos. Click Click.
Kenneth: Please get better, sir. I’ve dug too many graves.
Leap Day William: Why the long face, son?
Tracy: I do have a long elegant face, thank you. But I can’t enjoy your compliment because I’m sad.
Tracy: I am always coughing up blood. Could that be Leap Day William trying to get out?
Thad: Is sex like when the Navi intertwine their hair braids?
Liz: Damn it! Hot bitches!
Jack: Kenneth, is that me.
Kenneth: Oh I’m not Kenneth. I’m the spirit of Leap Day. Welcome to your Leap Day past.
Colleen: Jackie, we can’t go to the parade today. I got called into the hospital, where I’m a nurse.
Jack: Why are you showing me this. This is the kind of adversity that made me the man I am today. Good, cry. Let your sadness form a hole inside you that can only be filled with money.
Colleen: Of course we’re going to the parade today, Jackie. But you can’t have candy and cigarettes without a few tears first.
Jack: How did I forget this part? And when did we stop giving children cigarettes. It’s the liberal war on Leap Day.
Kenneth: Welcome to Leap Day Present.
Sherry: Ok I changed my eye color, but it seemed like a waste of voodoo.
Kenneth: Welcome to Leap Day Future. 5 Leap Days from now. That’s Liddy.
Jack: I assume this is her horse stable and she’s hammering that nail as a funny joke.
Kenneth: No Mr. Donaghy. She’s doing Habitat for Humanity. After you missed all her Leap Days, she started experimenting with Liberalism…
Liz: It looks like this time the mail will be in the check. That kind of wit is the thing she will never give you.
Korkova: Hey Liz, a gym teacher on his sex tour of Indonesia called. He wants his shirt back.
Liz: Ok that’s solid, Korkova. That’s a good burn.
Tracy: What am I going to do with all this free food? Remember where I came from. But we call came from the sea. Sea. Which is like the letter C which is part of the alphabet. Alphabet Soup. Soup Kitchen. Kitchen…
Homeless Man: No no don’t keep going.
Tracy: The kitchen debate with Richard Nixon. Richard M. Nixon. M Train. Soul Train. Chicken Soup for the Soul. Chicken Soup. Soup Kitchen!
Jack: Merry Leap Day, tourists. Merry Leap Day closeted gay guys meeting in the city.
Liz: I couldn’t go through with it. I just kept seeing your face. Also I have too much dignity.
Criss: So another woman?
Liz: Victoria’s Secret model.
Dave: I saved Leap Day! And connected with my son! And solved the big case from earlier!
Ratings: 3.70 Million Viewers. 1.5/4 in the 18-49 Demo.