Originally Aired: March 1, 2012

Written by: John Riggi
Directed by: Michael Slovis

Summary: JACK INTRODUCES KENNETH TO THE DARK SIDE OF THE BUSINESS WORLD WHILE LIZ IS STUCK IN A FAKE RELATIONSHIP WITH FRANK. PATTI LUPONE AND SUSAN SARANDON GUEST STAR. In order to hide his relationship with Lynn (guest star Sarandon), Frank (Judah Friedlander) convinces his mother (guest star LuPone) that he is dating Liz (Tina Fey). Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) team up to try to solve the case of Pete’s missing whisky. Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) teaches Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) how to take down his first business nemesis.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Fan Rating:

Quotes:

Silvia: Come over for dinner tonight. Do you like ox, Liz? I’ll defrost an ox for you.

Liz: I have a boyfriend. In Canada. Seriously, Criss is in Canada for the week. And I can’t be your girlfriend because I’m not an old pedophile.
Lynn: We prefer the term “Adultaphobe.”

Lynn: I’m hiding from Silvia. I got really good at hiding in prison. And making wine in my toilet.

Lynn: Silvia doesn’t approve of me. No one can remember why anymore.
Liz: You were his teacher and you seduced him.

Frank: My mom was snooping around in my room, because she loves me, and she found a letter.
Silvia: Look what I found in your pornography collection: a love letter!

Frank: Liz, we just need you to go along with this until, I don’t know my mom dies.
Lynn: Or I die.

Lynn: This is creepy? In prison I was part of a fake family with a bald woman and our son was a basketball with a wig on it. But… ok.

Liz: Telling a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.

Jack: Since you left the page program, finding you a position has been one of the most difficult challenges of my career. And I’m including making it through the 80s without having sex with Belinda Carlyle.
Kenneth: I know sir, but I couldn’t work in ad sales. We have far too many sponsors that make house work easier for women.

Kenneth: No sir. There’s always a right and wrong. Before he died my father gave me a piece of advice. “Son if you want to get ahead in this world… oh god this hurts…tell your mother I’m gay.”

Jenna: Opera? Is there singing? Because I sing. Tracy doesn’t sing so I should do it. The audience expects it. I’ll sleep with you.

Pete: Who drank this? This is the scotch I was saving for my birthday. Someone with the key to my office, a janitor or a security guard or some black… hearted individual, probably white.

Jenna: Let’s get forensics in here. Have the text lift a latent print and run it against AFIS. Maybe the purp’s in the system.
Tracy: Wow J Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop… in a porno.
Jenna: Tracy, every blonde actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called “Goodlooking.” I played Alexis Goodlooking. Who was also goodlooking. And my special ability was being good at looking for clues.

Goodlooking
Jenna: Let’s get forensics in here. Have the techs lift a latent print and run it against AFIS. Maybe the purp’s in the system. Unlike my husband’s killer who got away and it haunts me.

Tracy: Like all black actors, I have a lot of experience playing a wise black fellow who gets reluctant white people to do things.

Tracy: Well I’m just an old fool of course, and I don’t know much about politics and the like, but I do know America’s kind of like this old crab apple tree, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

Kenneth: I have some problems with this Law and Order: SVU script. You can’t say “Dick Wolf” on TV.

Jack: I just had an emergency meeting with Legal. We can no longer use the words “Hit” “Great Show” “Fun” or “Broadcast Television.”

Bradley: We met last year at your completely silent presentation on the power of eye contact.
Jack: Oh yes I believe it was entitled [states at him].

Jack: Kenneth, a word?
Kenneth: Balloon!

Jack: Bradley is trying to destroy you.
Kenneth: Destroy me? He’s the best friend I ever had! Tied with everyone I ever met.

Jack: There was once a man named Henry Warren. Henry pretended to be my friend, but he turned out to be my very first nemesis.

Henry: We got the contract! We’re going to make the bottles for new Coke! And I’m going to make sure you get all the credit!
Jack: Aces! Let’s do some cocaine!

Kenneth: But Bradley gave me my nick name “Susan.” Like Lazy Susan. Because I’m lazy and effeminate.

Kenneth: Sir, that’s awfully paranoid.
Jack: Exactly paranoid. From the Greek “para” meaning “besides” and “noid”… which is some sort of a pizza demon. That can’t be right.

Kenneth: But I never crushed anyone, except accused witches.

Silvia: Frank said you couldn’t come to dinner because you weren’t feeling well. But I know the best thing for a fever is food, wine and cheek pinching. So I packed everything up, prayed to the patron saint of locked apartments and here we are.

Silvia: While I’m here you do nothing. Like we say in Italy “All you have to worry about doing, is farting.”

Lutz: [Moving paper] Me? Yeah I saw him earlier today. Why is something wrong?

Tracy: If you think of anything, use this phone as a reminder to call us. I may not pick up because I’ve lost my phone just now.

Jenna: I should tell my husband I’m going to be late tonight. Oh wait. I can’t. He’s dead.

Lutz: Ok I drank it. We all drank it. We wanted booze but we didn’t want to hang out with Pete. It’s the worst. He always brings out his guitar. He’s got one story and it’s about seeing Phil Donaghue at the mall.

Tracy: Here comes the worst part: The paper work.

Kenneth: Mr. Pfister took me to the woodshed. Which I didn’t even realize could be a metaphor. I guess I signed off on a script where and Asian character refers to Rindsey Rohan poses for Prayboy. But I know that’s very offensive.

Kenneth: I don’t even remember reading that script.
Bradley: It’s your signature on the memo.
Kenneth: That does look like my X.

Liz: These meatballs are good. Like IKEA good. Is there parmesan in this? And Lemon? And a little fennel?
Silvia: Are you sure you’re not Italian, Liz? Maybe from the north? That’s where the vampires used to live.

Silvia: What’s the matter Frank? You’re so quiet. You’re sitting at dinner next to a beautiful older woman. Eat something and kiss her!

Silvia: Elizabeth, I’m going to ask you to leave.
Liz: This is my…

Jack: I hate to say “Told ya” because it reminds me of my one night stand with Nikke Finke.

Kenneth: He’s trying to get me fired? What do I do? Pray for a body switching mix up so we can see the world from each other’s perspectives?

Jack: Bradley never graduated from Syracuse. He’s four credits shy from a degree in Bro Studies.

Jack: Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty for the good of company and country.
Kenneth: My two favorite kinds of music.

Pete: People are sitting around in there waiting for you two to shoot promos. Thank god I’ve got my awesome Phil Donague story.

Pete: All I wanted to do was hang with my friends, rock some jams and tell the story about my cousin seeing Phil Donaghue. I mean me! I’m the one who saw Phil Donaghue.

Jenna: I broke the number one rule on the force.
Tracy: Don’t fall in love with your car?
Jenna: No. It got personal.
Tracy: Right. The car thing is stupid.

Liz: I had to sleep here, you kow they turned the heat off. If I hadn’t found that other blanket, I would have…wait where did it go? Oh god it was mice. The blanket was mice!

Frank: Lying to my mom was stressing me out. I mean I haven’t gained weight in months.

Lynn: Don’t let Liz work you to hard. I do really hate her. I think she’s a terrible person.
Liz: First of all why would you in my bedroom and why would you tell me that part of the conversation?
Frank: It was the only part where we weren’t having break up sex.
Liz: Come on!

Liz’s stomach: Eat them now!
Liz: Quit! I do the talking!

Jack: Henry? Henry Warren?
Henry: Henry Warren Chang. I married a very bossy Chinese lady.

Jack: I haven’t seen you since the 1985 GE talent show when I convinced you to sing “Monster Mash” knowing full well that Jack Welch is terrified of monsters and I ended you’re career.
Henry: Not “ended.” Doing quite well actually. In publishing now. Encyclopedias.

Henry: I told him the truth, I’m great. I lease a certified preowned Lexus, both my sons are magicians, and for my birthday Wei Lin got be tickets to the Broadway show Memphis, so.

Henry: I see you’re doing well for yourself.
Jack: Oh well, that sofa is made from Seabiscuit.

Henry: What about the drive up to Pittsfield, when we stopped at Sterbridge village? Remember we had fun. We saw a candle being made.
Jack: I didn’t really care about that candle. I don’t even remember what color it was.
Henry: Regular white tan candle color! Jack!

Jack: I remember our trip to Hilton head.
Henry: That wasn’t me!

Jenna: If you don’t play along we tell Pete about your little scam, about how the shows been paying for your video games, and nerf rifles, and pornography. That’s right we know you ordered a porn version of Temple Grandin, called “Tentpoles Rammed In.” You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Tracy: Let’s get out of here Maroney. The sight of these people plus the crayons I ate earlier make me sick.

Pete: [singing] Sing us a song, you’re the guitar man. And this is Pete’s birthday night…

Tracy: What happened? Who attacked you and gave you that haircut?

Liz: [crying] “PS I Love You” is so sad! No one should have to be married to Gerald Butler, or Hillary Swank!

Jack: You can’t destroy Bradley you innocent goon! You’re the most remarkable person I know and met Jaleel White. Incredibly charismatic.

Jack: I’d rather see you get fired and lease a car rather than turn into someone like me.

Kenneth: So you’re trying to help me?
Jack: Of course I am, Kenneth, I’m your friend.
Kenneth: It’s just the other day you said in business I have no friends. And you were right about Bradley. So what does that say about you? Maybe you’re afraid I will become you. I’ll climb that corporate ladder until I eventually take your job. And then where will you be? Out on your ass like Stone Mountain’s mailman ridding his trusty donkey.

Jack: Wow, that is some high level paranoid thinking. Like Hitler. Or Willy Wanka. If you’re thinking that way then I’m already too late.

Frank: I don’t know anything. I get all my news from the radio in Grand Theft Auto.

Silvia: I came by to make you chicken soup. Where can I kill this?

Silvia: You? How dare you? Get out of my Liz’s office!

Liz: You lied! You’re miserable! You cried in my food!

Lynn: I wore my sexy underwear for nothing?
Silvia: I’ll kill you!
Lynn: Mam, I’m in a Mexican prison gang. You kill me and Los Tiberones will greenlight a 187 on you. You don’t want that kind of heat.

Liz: Silvia, your son is not happy. And not that you care but neither is Lynn.
Lynn: That’s true. When Liz called me I was getting this tattoo. [Tattoo says “I’m sad”] I’m not creative.

Liz: Believe me, I get it. This shouldn’t work. How they met is disgusting. Their age difference is weird. They shouldn’t go together. But you know what else shouldn’t go together? Veal, fennel, lemon, cheese and pork. That’s right, your meatballs. Lynn and Frank are just as good as your meatballs.

Lynn: That’s it?! We’re meatballs?! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Lynn: Johnny Carson in his monologue said I was looking at 20 years but I was probably more attracted to 12. I mean that’s an ok joke but it hurt!

Lynn: And then prion where we only had one movie with Daphne Coleman and the kid from ET.
Liz: Cloak and Dagger?
Lynn: Shut up, Liz!

Liz: If you look at my internet history I’m researching a movie about two male centaurs kissing.

Tracy: Well maybe I never did go to college or travel around the world, I don’t know much about worldly things like taco meat and having all your fingers.
Tracy: Lord knows some of my friends are just shrubs I put hats on and get high with.
Tracy: My wife had two of the president’s babies. And you’re one of them.
Tracy: I can tell you one thing. I’m gonna kill all you all in your sleep.
Tracy: Now I don’t know much about religions or history, but I’ll tell you what I do know. This movie was written by white nerds.

Ratings: 3.77 Million Viewers. 1.4/4 in the 18-49 Demo.

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