Originally Aired: March 8, 2012

Written by: Vali Chandrasekaran
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary:
KENNETH’S NEW JOB LEAVES HIM FACING OFF WITH LIZ, AND JACK DEALS WITH THE ISSUES OF HAVING A TEENAGE NEMESIS. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ GUEST STARS.
Jenna hatches a surprising new plan to get publicity, while Jack finds himself begrudgingly playing parent to his teenage nemesis, Kaylie Hooper (guest star Chloe Grace Moretz). Liz rejects the new authority Kenneth has over “TGS” with his new job in Standards.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Fan Rating:

Quotes:

Hank Hooper: The last time I was this excited… was this morning. I saw a cat wearing the same sweater as its person. [Laughs]

Kaylie: So Jack, your wife? Still kidnapped?
Jack: How’s the yearbook going? I heard you made editor… of the photo captions.

Kaylie: Hey pop-pop wait up.
Jack: “Hey pop-pop wait up.”

Jack: It’s a great night for the industry. Kidz is a hit the whole family can watch together. Not your usual sitcom crap full of gratuitous vulgarity prat falls.
[Crew member falls]
Crew: Oh my penis!

Jenna: Tonight during the finalist duet, I’m gonna cry. Now of course none of these little condom accidents could make me cry so I’m going to rub this under my eyes to help me fake it. It’s a little trick I learned from Glen Beck’s prostitute.

Hank: That was my angriest hug!

Hank: I’m going down to deal with the FCC. The Federal Clown Commission. I hope that comes off as respectful. My father was clown and I know how hard those men work.

Jack: I’ve already detained Brock and Eva under the Patriot Act. People have already forgotten about that thing, but any white male can arrest any other person.

Kenneth: Hello, peers!

Kenneth: Because of last night’s cluster whoops, Derek was fired. Then he threatened to come back with a gun. Then I got a promotion and the desk closest to the door.

Kenneth: And a wonderful new show from DL Hughley that’s already cancelled.

Tracy: I feel like Oscar the Grouch today and not just cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone named Gordon.

Liz: In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid.
Tracy: Oh you’re the one who solved that? Thank you so much.

Liz: 1997 Heather Locklear, what are you doing here? What?! Jenna.

Liz: Oh god don’t adopt. That child is better off in Somalia. It could be a pirate or a warlord’s concubine.

Jenna: Remember my little money making scheme back in Chicago?
Liz: Cashing your dead aunt’s social security checks?
Jenna: Oh no I’m still doing that. I’m talking about when I donated my eggs.

Jenna: A couple of months ago I called the Calumet City egg donation center and House of Blues. To see if there were any little Jenna’s out there that wanted to meet me.
Liz: Hang on are you saying you have a kid?
Jenna: No, I don’t. I have 6 kids.

Jack: I’m a very powerful man, Brock. Little league try outs are coming soon and how would you like to wind up on a team with…none of your friends.

Eva: What are you doing to Molly?! She always had to live through World War 2.

Eva: She’s just so cruel. Like a human silly band.
Jack: Who!? Who is a human silly band?!

Kaylie: I’m tall enough now that there isn’t a rollercoaster in the world that I can’t go on. So do you guys drink beer? Or are you babies.

Jack: Jack Vs. Kaylie Round 2: No subtitle needed.

Jenna: Mommy announcement! I hope we’re all waxed because you’re coming with me to my interview tonight with Barbra Walter’s 10 Most Overexposed People.

Jenna: Let me quickly identify everyone’s good sides. Left. Left. Right. Right. Left. Oh Judy, that’s really on message.

Jenna: If you want to get to know me, read my 2006 interview in Amtrack magazine. If you want to be my daughter, put on this wig and smile.

Kenneth: Oh there you are L… Boy I’m still not comfortable calling you by your first name. Then again you’ve never been comfortable calling me by me full Christian name.
Liz: Kenneth.
Kenneth: Oh no Kenneth is short for Androkenethemblesorten.

Liz: How can we do Fart Doctor without the word “Fart?”
Kenneth: I’m surprised they allow you to say “doctor” it’s so close to gynecologist. Which is disgusting.

Jack: Why didn’t I see this coming? I knew this company was making me lose my edge that’s why I hired Kado to attack me at random like Inspector Clouseau.

Jack: Kado. Don’t attack me tonight, ok? I know when I say don’t attack me that’s when I most need you most to attack me, but I’m serious. Kado?

Liz: She’s just a teenaged girl.
Jack: You know very well that a nemesis can be anyone, or anything.
Liz: Autocorrect! I was trying to say “Pen organizer”

Jack: Surprise! [De Niro] I’m very good at voices, Kaylie, I’m very good.

Kaylie: I just had to get pop pop out of town because I’m in so much trouble! Henry and his friends had to go to King of Prussia mall last Thursday night because it was a half day and I couldn’t go because I had piano. And my friend Vickie, well she said she got grounded because she went to some highlighter party with Dylan while is parents were out of town.
Jack: Whoa ok, hang on. Calm down.
Kaylie: And then Fat Vickie saw her there. So I called her and Henry answered her phone cause he had Vickie’s phone!
Jack: Wait, which Vickie? Fat Vickie?
Kaylie: Vickie P! Are you even listening to me!?

Kaylie: My mom is in Indonesia visiting her charity where poor children make shoes.
Jack: Isn’t that just a sweatshop?
Kaylie: I know!

Jack: I know what it’s like to not have your parents around. I once took a log with googly eyes to a father son picnic.

Liz: Do you have a second, Kenneth?
Kenneth: No there’s only one of me. What? What are you asking?

Kenneth: Oh that reminds me, you can’t say “using” on TV. It implies drug use.

Kenneth: No you can’t! That’s an order! I stole that speech from an episode of JAG but it applies here.
Liz: Are you kidding me? Last week you were a page, now you’re telling me how to run my show?
Kenneth: Well I am arguing back at you.
Liz: I have enough crap to deal with around here, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I’m interrupting you because I’m good at arguing.
Liz: I don’t need you to make my life worse.
Kenneth: I am responding. I’m matching you’re tone and making my own point!

Tracy: I’m still fasting because I misread my calendar. Tomorrow is my colonoscopy. Today was my meeting with Colin Oscopy. Therefore I have no idea what you’re saying, talking turkey leg.

Jack: We’re you a difficult teenager?
Liz: Well I was voted “Head of the PTA” so no.

Jack: This is an opportunity to destroy her. I can get her expelled, send her off to a second rate boarding school. Then on to that last bastion of the incompetent rich, USC.

Jack: If I could just tell whether she was vicious or vulnerable.
Liz: That’s the problem, she’s a teenaged girl. She’s vicious and vulnerable. She might be completely lying like when I was 15 and told people at my school that I had already gotten my period. Or she could be in real trouble like when I was 17 and finally got my period at a very loosely supervised petting zoo.
Jack: Once again, Lemon, I leave your office more confused than when I entered, but having glimpsed another title in the rich mosaic that is your menstrual history.

Jenna: I thought the opening credits could be all of us in a giant dog bed, and you guys are suckling on prosthetic dog teats that I’m wearing.

Jessica: We’re thinking the show is more like “The Girls Next Door” and you’re the old boat captain that kind of shows up sometimes.
Jenna: That’s Hugh Heffner.

Kenneth: I’m just having a bad day, sir.
Liz: Alright bro bro, let’s just be cool and sit down and pee in silence like dudes do.

Kenneth: If I can’t even get my friend, Liz, at least I thought she was my friend, to respect me, how will I ever run a network?! And boss around those Jewish executives who were trained from birth to argue.

Liz: Wrong, you should just smack that Liz in the mouth!

Kenneth: That’s for listening. I’m Kenneth, by the way.
Liz: Me too! I’m Kenneth. Uh, Kenneth Toilethole.

Principle: How are you related to Ms. Hooper?
Jack: I’m her nemesis!

Kenneth: Someone who actually cares about my feelings told me to smack me in the mouth.
Liz: No don’t listen to Kenneth Toilethole.
Kenneth: You know him?
Liz: Yeah he’s great, we should all go get dinner sometime.

Liz: Kenneth, you can do this job and I do respect you.
Kenneth: Then wash my feet with your hair.
Liz: No!

Kenneth: A Parcell man has never been called “Mr.” outside of an execution chamber.

Jenna: The blonde ones, they turned on me. They threw me away like I was some kind of Judy.

Jenna: Forget TV! Let’s go get that coffee now.
Liz: No! You can’t do that!

Tracy: I finally understand the ending of the Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie.

Tracy: I got what you were trying to tell me yesterday, you want me to do my filthy stand up act instead of reading the cue cards.

Jack: Son of a Dingbat!

Liz: Tracy’s going to do his stand-up act on the show! What are we going to do!?
Kenneth: I’m gonna live bleep him! Normally I’ll have to get permission from Irene first, but there isn’t time.

Tracy: You know what I love Dominican women? Because they love to [beep]those [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] because they eat all our [bleep] [bleep] [bleep].
Tracy: I’ll like to introduce [bleep] House [bleep] [bleep] Boi!
Tracy: You just a [bleep] with extra [bleep]. Well you called the right [bleep].
Tracy: That’s our show for tonight! See you next week!

Gaylord: Kenneth, I’m Gaylord Felcher.
Kenneth: The head of standards?!
Gaylord: I’ve never seen bleeping like that. So guess what? I’m [bleep] promoting you, you little [bleep] face.
Liz: Alright, Felcher you don’t have to talk like that.
Gaylord: Well who’s going to stop me? Who among you has the power to censor the censor. [Gives everyone the finger.]

Kaylie: Enjoying my total lack of adult supervision. I just had fruit roll ups for dinner. At a strip club.

Kaylie: Look who figured it out. It only took you, I don’t know, a million hours.

Kaylie: I’ll be able to be close to my boyfriend, Henry. Like Fat Vickie could ever steal him from me. He’s going to NYU, to study acting.
Jack: [Laughs]

Jack: Kado seriously, not tonight. I mean it this time. Son of a ding bat!

Liz: Sorry that phone call took forever. Where’s Kenneth Toilethole.
Kenneth: You just missed him, again. He had to go to the bathroom.
Liz: You know what I’ll go get him.
Kenneth: No don’t! Every time one of you leaves the other one comes back. You know I’m starting to suspect, that I have bad luck.
Kenneth Toilethole: Dude, bro. Where’s Liz?
Kenneth: You didn’t see her she just left!
Kenneth Toilethole: Oh I got to go feed the meter.
Kenneth: No!

Ratings: 4.42 Million Viewers. 1.4/4 in the 18-49 Demo.

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