Originally Aired: April 17, 2008
Written by: Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock
Directed by: Don Scardino

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Summary: LIZ (TINA FEY)’S OLD BOYFRIEND, DENNIS DUFFY (GUEST STAR: DEAN WINTERS) BECOMES NEW YORK’S `SUBWAY HERO’ AND JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) WANTS HIM BOOKED ON THE SHOW. TIM CONWAY GUEST STARS - Jack (Alec Baldwin) wants Liz (Tina Fey) to book “The Subway Hero,” New York’s newest celebrity, who jumped in front of a train to save a total stranger who had fallen on the tracks. It turns out that the hero is none other than Liz’s ex boyfriend, Dennis (guest star: Dean Winters), “The Beeper King.” Dennis agrees to do the show, and tries to win Liz back into his life. Meanwhile, Jack wants to find a young and hip Republican celebrity for the weekend’s John McCain fundraising dinner, but the only talent he is able to secure is Bucky Bright (guest star: Tim Conway), a TV star from the 1940s and 1950s. Though Jack rejects him, Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) is a fan and offers him a tour of the studio, which rewards him with many stories of old Hollywood. Meanwhile, Jack tries to persuade Tracy (Tracy Morgan) to become the celebrity face of the Republican Party. Jane Krakowski, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden and Maulik Pancholy also star. Tim Conway and Dean Winters guest stars, and Michael Bloomberg as himself. (NBC)

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Lemon, I’m helping to organize a little fundraising dinner for John McCain this weekend, and I need some women to attend so it doesn’t turn into another sausage fest.
Liz: Well I don’t know… What’s the Committee to Re-invade Vietman?

Jack: Jonathan’s going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz: [laughs] Like who? Chuck Norris?
Jack: No. C Nor and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Liz: I’m saving up money for a new humidifier. It’s the same model that’s keeping Larry King alive.

Jack: Do you not watch the news?
Liz: Food Network doesn’t have a news show.

Dennis: Thank you Mayor Bloomberger. I accept this honor on behalf of every… Stern rules! Baba Booey!

Jack: Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman, and your ex-boyfriend.
Liz: And Dateline Predator.
Jack: Exonerated Dateline predator. The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding, like the Guliani campaign.

Jack: Lemon, be professional. We all have to work with people we hate sometimes. [To Jonathan] Jonathan, why don’t you put on more of that cologne!

Dennis: When I say “Subway,” you say “Hero!” Subway!
Mayor Bloomberg: Hero?

Dennis: I now declare this store open for all mankind.

Dennis: You swore to me that you would never see me again. But this whole crazy on again off again, Dennis Liz thing. You just can’t be stopped.
Liz: We don’t have a crazy… thing.
Dennis: Yeah we do. We’re like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.
Liz: Can I borrow those scissors.

Dennis: I new that girl was 18. She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. And that crap doesn’t start until college.

Jack: Good god! When did the Party become so boring? The Democrats have all the good celebrities!

Kenneth: Son of a Married couple! Bucky Bright!
Jack: You know who this is?
Kenneth: Who doesn’t?!
Jack: Most people.

Kenneth: I don’t vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin. So I always write in the Lord’s name.
Jack: That’s Republican. We count those.

Bucky Bright: Men came to work with ties and hats.
Kenneth: That’s so elegant!
Bucky Bright: And you had tailor-made suits. And you had a place for a little carnation in your lapel. And you had an inside monogrammed pocket. You know for your opium pipe and switchblade.
Kenneth: I’m sorry, what now?

Liz: These things are so bad for me. 400% of my sodium!? I should not be eating these!

Cerie: What’s with the trophy?
Dennis: It’s the Stanley Cup, honey. It’s hockey’s ultimate prize. And me and it, we’re teaming up to fight illiteracy.

Frank: Wow, I never would have the guts to do what that guy did.
Liz: You don’t know that.
Frank: I do know. I’ve watched 7 different people die in subway stations.

Jack: So Dennis, tell us what it was like in the moment. What was going though your mind?
Dennis: You know it was all instinct, Jack. My mind, it was so clear. All I could think about was Derek Jeter. And it was like, check this out, Jeter. You think you’re better than me!

Liz: Ugh, why is the movie called The Hours, when it’s so much longer?!
Dennis & Liz: They should call it The Weeks!

Jenna: Dennis is like those off-brand Mexican Cheetoes.
Liz: My Sabor de Soledad? I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.
Jenna: You know those are bad for you. But you keep stuffing them in your mouth. Because you know it’s easier than eating well.
Liz: That’s a week metaphor!

Tracy: Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

Jack: Do you like lower taxes?
Tracy: If I paid taxes, I would.

Tracy: Lincoln was a Republican?
Dot Com: Actually, today’s Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That’s not exactly small government.
Jack: Dot Com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is off-putting.
Dot Com: I guess that’s why I’m still single.

Tracy: You put me in a Quandry, Jack Donaghy. A Quandry.

Bucky Bright: Back in the day, we didn’t have pagers. We used to have Sandwich girls.
Kenneth: Because they got you sandwiches?
Bucky Bright: No no, two guys would…

Dennis: Hey Dummy, I was just telling these dummies how we used to go to the park and make fun of all the joggers.
Liz: Oh yeah, “I’m gonna run around in a circle so I can live longer.”

Dennis: Who orders a salad from a burger joint? You watching your figure there, sweetheart?
Liz: What are you gearing up for swimsuit season?
Toofer: Very funny…
Liz: Very funny? How would you know?

Bucky Bright: We used to call this the “Jew Room.”

Jenna: Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon!
Liz: Ok, that’s not my middle name.
Jenna: Explain this!
Liz: Reading paper: Subway Hero, Dennis Duffy and actress Sally Field?

Liz: It wasn’t a date. I paid for dinner.
Jenna: You always paid for Dennis.

Bucky Bright: I wandered the building all night. I didn’t run into another single living soul. Except one giant lesbian. Who is Conan O’Brien, and why is she so sad?

Tracy: I can’t believe I’m dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different buckets I wanted to own. Buckets!

Nixon: Your party needs you. We lost some prestige because of the Bush Administration.
Tracy: And Watergate.
Nixon: I’m trying to keep that on the DL around here. More quotes will be posted shortly.

Sammy Davis Jr.: Tracy. Babe. You got to help the Party get back to it’s groovy roots.
Tracy: Wow. You were a Republican.
Nixon: He sure was. Black, Jewish, One Eye. A White wife. It was a big tent back then.

Dennis: I can’t help McCain. He’s a Navy man. I almost joined the Marines once.

Liz: I don’t like a lot of people, Jenna. But that dumb creep makes me laugh.
Jenna: But you know better.
Liz: Do I? You might be an idiot.

Liz: Do you know what I use my oven for?
Jenna: Warming your jeans in the morning?
Liz: That’s right. And it feels good.

Jack: Not thinking is what makes America great.

Dennis: When I grab on I do not let go. Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at Sea World.

Liz: Everything in my life is work, but not Dennis Duffy. I don’t have to shave. I don’t have to bathe. I don’t have to be clever or nice.

Jenna: Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing make up to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love.

Liz: Being with Dennis is easy. If you give into it, you start to feel kind of numb and warm. And then you just get sleepy.
Jenna: That’s exactly what they say happens when you freeze to death.
Liz: Blurg.

Bucky Bright: Men were men back then. If you wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn’t gay. No. It was just two men, celebrating each other’s strength.

Tracy: Jacky D, Nixon’s ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP.
Jack: God bless that wire-tapping bastard!

Liz: Maybe a couple of photos where you don’t give the thumbs up?

Dennis: Elizabeth Sarah Lemon?
Liz: That’s not my middle name.
Dennis: Will you marry me?
Liz: Oh god!

Dennis: Shut up crowd! I command you as the Subway Hero to shut up!

Dennis: I don’t need this. You know a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night? A white stripper.

Liz: No, you suck! And so do all New York based sports teams!

Tracy: My fellow Blackmericans. Hey Jack, can I just say Black Americans? There’s no such thing as Blackmericans.
Jack: That’s great! That’s why you’re here.

Tracy: No matter what, Blackmericans are always going to vote Democrat.
Jack: They will won’t they… Unless.
Tracy [in Commercial]: Black people, don’t vote! Just don’t do it! In the time you take to vote you can play 3 games of pool! 3! And that’s fresh!

Tracy: Now if you’ll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Jack: I booked the 9-1-1 bird. Winston here dialed 9-1-1 with his beak and said “Fire!” But only cause he didn’t know the word for rape.

Liz: Hey, you’re not bumping Dennis for my benefit, are you?
Jack: Of course I am. I base all my business decisions on your needs. That’s why GE will be introducing the Pocket Deep Fryer.
Liz: That would sell, by the way.

Bucky Bright: If you’re gonna making something beautiful, you got to make a mess of it first. I don’t care if you’re making an omelet, a baby, or a television show, things are gonna get weird.

Dennis: The Mighty Ducks are mad at me because I left the Stanley Cup on a water taxi.

Kenneth: Oh, well this one’s dating a Dateline Predator.
Liz: Exonerated. And we’re not dating.
Bucky Bright: Boy, that’s one mouthy sandwich girl, isn’t it?

Liz: You failed the fire fighters exam?
Dennis: Yea, it’s totally biased against the Irish, you know?

Liz: If reality TV has taught us anything it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down.

Ratings: 4/7 6.42 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: #44

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