Originally Aired: April 9, 2009
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Gail Macuso

Summary: EXCITEMENT FOR “TGS’S” 50th SHOW IS QUICKLY REPLACED BY CONCERN ABOUT COMPANY BUDGET CUTS
Excitement about the 50th “TGS” show is short-lived as the employees begin to worry about upcoming budget cuts. Jack (Alec Baldwin) is forced to hand out pink slips, while Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) has to step up and take on some extra responsibilities. Liz (Tina Fey) decides she has to do a little personal bartering to save her staff and crew. Jenna (Jane Krakowski) and Tracy (Tracy Morgan) become suspicious of Kenneth and are determined to prove he is hiding a dark secret. Also stars Katrina Bowden, Scott Adsit, Keith Powell and Judah Friedlander.

Promotional Pictures:  High Quality

Quotes:

Liz: Ok guys, I just want to say congratulations on or 50^th show!  That’s 50 hours of comedy, over 300 sketches, one unsolved crew death, and an Emmy…Magazine cover story!  (Cover: The Death of Comedy)

Jack: Congratulations of 50 shows everyone.  Enjoy your decorative air holders, you deserve them.

Jack: Cutbacks.  Our parent company, Sheinhardt Wigs is announcing losses this quarter for the first time since the Civil War.  Even I am not immune.  I had to let Jonathan go today.

Liz: Oh my god, how did he take it?
Jack: Better than I expected.
*Flashback*
Jonathan: (Singing) I can’t live.  If living is without you.
Jack: Ok, last verse Jonathan.
Jonathan: I can’t liiiiiiiiive.

Jack: The days of your wild coke parties are over.
Liz: Well, if by coke, you mean sodas…
Jack: I do.

Liz: Handle a presentation?  Jack, I put on a live show every week, unless there’s wrestling.  I’m on it.

Liz: I’ve got some Trix up my sleeve.
Jack: That’s my girl.
Liz: No Trix, the cereal.  Some fell in my sleeve.  It’s sticking to the fibers.  (Shakes cereal out of sleeve.)

Jack: Kenneth, as you may have heard, Jonathan no longer works here.
Kenneth: Yeah, the assistants talked about it at Finnigan’s, the bar we all go too after work, in my dreams.

Jack: Well yes, obviously I’m going to need an assistant, and I’m going to have to ask you to fill in.
Kenneth: But what about my page duties?
Jack: Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of that, you’ll do both jobs.

Jack: You’ll do find so long as you follow my 3 D’s; Discretion, Docility, and Don’t use my bathroom.

Kenneth: I feel like I’m in the Pelican Brief!  Do I already know to much?

Liz: I’d like to tall you about 3 television programs; A Comedy show, a Musical Variety Show, and a Life Television event.  Comedy, Music Show, Live Show.  Comedy. Music. Live.  Are you getting it?  Yeah, they’re all the same show.  They’re all TGS.

Liz: Now I can stand here, Brad, and bore you with numbers.  I could tell you we’re the #1 late night show among men 9 to13 and the morbidly obese.  I could tell you that we’re in final negotiations to create exclusive content for America’s jails.

Jenna: My name is Suri Cruise, put your hands in the air.  I came out of the womb with a full head of hair.

Brad: So where’s the conference room?

Kenneth: I’m just over worked, with my page duties and being Mr. Donaghy’s assistant, there’s just not enough hours in the day.
Tracy: I’m sorry about that, but just let me know if there’s any way I could help.
Kenneth: Well actually there is one thing.
Tracy: No! I was just saying that.  Why can’t you read human facial cues? 

Kenneth: I’m worried about my bird, Sonny Crocket, would you mind going to my apartment and feeding him?
Tracy: Ok.  Birds are like little dinosaurs, so what I’ll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.

Liz: Sid?  I can’t fire our announcer, he’ll loose his insurance.  You know he has a lot of health problems.
Pete: Yeah because he got struck by lightning and can’t really talk anymore.
Opening Titles:
Sid: It’s Turgis!  With Tracky John John! and Jinny Morpe!

Liz: No Sid is off the table.  I’m not firing any of my people.  I’m not doing that to their families.  Or in Sid’s case, his much younger wife with whom they have an open relationship.
Pete: All right we’ll find the money somewhere else.  The food budget…
Liz: No!
Pete: Alright how about straws?  We spend 1,200 dollars a year on straws.
Liz: Alright no more straws.  Everyone drinks from the cans from now on!
*Mouse on Cans*
Pete: Oh no we need straws!
Liz: Oh god!  That’s it’s bathroom!

Jack: Matthew, I know this isn’t easy, but the company’s facing cut backs.  You have to admit your Boombox division is behind the times.
Matthew: We’re not behind the times, we’re groovy!
Jack: I can offer you two weeks severance.

Kenneth: I know you said only interrupt you if it was very important, but Tashonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone and she’s offering you 3 free months of Showtime but you have to act now!
Jack:  Kenneth, this does not qualify as something important.  I do not want Showtime.

Sonny Crocket: Squawk! Don’t go in the bedroom!  Don’t go in the bedroom!
Tracy: I wasn’t going to!  I wasn’t going to!  Bawk!

Kenneth: Hello Ms. Lemon, are you here to see Kenneth the Page?  Or Kenneth the Mr. Donaghy’s assistant?

Cheryl: Do you know Jack Donaghy well?
Liz: Yeah, pretty well?
Cheryl: Do you happen to know if he’s a boob man or a butt man?
Liz: What?  Why would you ask that?
Cheryl: Because I don’t want to get fired.  So I’m going to have to go in there and boink my way out of this one.  I’m Cheryl by the way.
Liz: You’re going to try to have sex with Jack?
Cheryl: I have to!  I have 15 employees, I’m responsible for them.  Do you have any idea what that’s like?
Liz: Well yeah, I have 200 people under me, but…
Cheryl: Wow.  Maybe we can team up.  Go in there and les out, give him a show.
Liz: No! Cheryl!  Get a grip!

Liz: I don’t want to fire anyone.  And I don’t want to take anything away from my crew.  And I want to keep making free long distance prank calls to people like Seattle’s Richard Sack Muncher.  And I think that’s reasonable.

Liz: What?  That’s it?  I thought you’d tell me to cook the numbers or shred something or do some Pelican Brief stuff.
Jack: Why has everyone been talking about that movie?
Liz: It’s been playing on Showtime.
Jack: Kenneth, get me Showtime!
Kenneth: What?  Why now?!

Liz: Little heads up, your next meeting might disagree.  She’s planning to change your mind by hitting…that.
Jack: Oh not again!  This last guy tried to take my belt off.

Jack: Oh one more thing, don’t cut the straw budget because I’ve already cut the exterminators.

Tracy: Jenna, you’re the smartest person I know. You think Kenneth could be a murderer?
Jenna: What?  Why would you think that?
Tracy: Well I might be crazy, but neither he, nor his bird would let me into bedroom.  And why wouldn’t you want to let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you’ve got a bunch of dead nurses in there?

Jenna: Well I had to study serial killers to prepare for my role as criminal profiler Jill St. Farari, in the Lifetime original mini series, Hushed Rapings.  And all mass murderers share 3 characteristics; animal cruelty.
Tracy: He grew up killing pigs!
Jenna: Bed wetting.
Tracy: No wonder he’s so fascinated when I do that!
Jenna: And an inability to read human facial clues.
Tracy: I admonished him for that earlier!  3 for 3, he’s a monster!

Lutz: Liz!  Our good is gone! They took it!  It happened this morning!  Do you have a cookie?  Mommy’s baby needs his yum yums.

Pete: Liz!  It’s a massacre.
Liz: What is going on?
Pete: Brad came in this morning and started making cuts.  I can’t go back to teaching high school math!  Those girls pretend they’re not women yet, but they are!

Liz: Holster, you look hot in those trousers.  How about we grab drinks tonight.
Brad: Marissa, update my schede.

Jack: I know there’s a learning curve here but I need you to focus.  No mistakes now.  Think before you speak. Understand?
Kenneth: … … … … … … … yes.

Tracy: I’m afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer.
Kenneth: And what is his name?
Tracy: Kenneth.  I mean, I’ll tell you his name.  It’s Kenneth!
Kenneth: Excellent.  I will be sure to let him know as soon as he’s done firing Steven Lee from Microwaves.
Lee: What?
Kenneth: Oh, Mr. Lee, I forgot.  He’s ready for you now.

Jenna: I’ve got chills.  He’s evil!
Tracy: If I had any doubts about this before, and I don’t think I did, they’re gone now.

Jenna: We’re definitely going to be heroes.
Tracy: Yeah!  Like Julia and Denzel in the Pelican Brief.

Liz: Lee, I need that dress Jenna wore for the hooker sketch, the heels Tracy wears when he plays Michelle Obama and double, wait, triple spanks.  I need a make up artist!  No, the sluttier one.

Liz: They make take my dignity!  But they will never take our straws!

Tracy: Jenna, I just wanted you to know, that if we find any human remains in there, I’m going to throw up all over your face.

Tracy: Oh no!  Tracy’s a murderer and the Riddler’s coming!
Jenna: No! It’s a bug bomb, get out, get out it’s poisonous!

Liz: Alright, listen, we’re both adults here.  We know the deal.  Let’s cut to the chase.
Brad: That’s certainly direct.
Liz: We go upstairs.  20 minutes.  Open mouth.  I will work your ears.
Brad: I don’t know, Liz.  What you’re asking is a pretty big deal.  If I go through with this I need to know it’s worth this.
Liz: Fine, 30 minutes.  I’ll make some sounds and you can say one weird thing to me.
Brad: …
Liz: Alright hardball.  30 minutes.  Sounds.  Top front of my body is now in play.  Deal?
Brad: Deal.

Jack: Lemon, I heard a rumor that you went out with one of the consultants last night.
Liz: Well I had no choice.  I had to give him a little taste of the Lemon.  And it was not sour my friend, it was not sour.

Liz: What the what?  Brad and I had a deal!  I gave him top front!
Jack: Top front?  Good Lord, Lemon.  That’s your worst quadrant.

Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy not go into your room?  Well naturally we thought you were a serial killer so we went in.  And as you can imagine, your bird is now dead.
Tracy: But on the bright side, you’ve been down graded from suspect to person of interest.

Kenneth: Now you just wait one minute!  Now I am sorry to be using my barn voice in front of a lady, but I am riled up.  It is not enough that you killed the bird that I had for almost 60 years.  But the fact that you did not trust me is unforgiveable.

Frank: What did you do?  We trusted you!
Liz: You ruined it with your talking, didn’t you!?

Brad: Last night was what it was, but business is business.
Liz: Right, and last night I gave you the business.  We had an agreement.  Top front and some light ear work.  You got your quid, Holtser, where’s my quo.
Brad: Oh my god, last night was about the show?
Liz: Oh please, you knew it was.  You were all “Oh it’s got to be worth it.  And what youre asking me to do is such a big deal.”
Brad: It was a big deal, being with a women for the first time since my wife died?!
Liz: Oh snap…
Brad: It was just a transaction?  What kind of person are you?
Liz: Does it help if I tell you I thought we were doing sexual espionage?
Brad: Oh god! Sharon! Angel, I swore to you the next one would be worthy, but she’s not!  She’s a monster!  Marissa, add Dr. Walters to my schede.

Jeffery: His claim suggests that you tried to barter sex in exchange for professional consideration.  In the human resource world, we call that being filthy prostitute.

Jeffery: Mr. Donaghy has explained the mitigating circumstances.
Jack: I’m convinced this sexual outburst was brought on by menopause.

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy!  I thought you’d like to know that there’s a spider on the printer!  Oh no, am I interrupting?  Is this another firing meeting?
Jack: It is now.

Tracy: Ken, we feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird.
Jenna: I agree. Not to name names, but it’s so sad that a certain black individual found it necessary to trick someone so pretty into believing you were a murderer.

Kenneth: Looks like I’ve got some naming to do!  Pat!  Balthazar!  Donna!  Lorne!  Michael!

Ratings: 6.81 million viewers (4.2/7 Share. 3.1/9 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: 44th

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